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Original poster

Imbalance in relationship

54 replies

Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:13

I love my partner very much. He is handsome, charismatic and kind.

There is only one negative - there is a complete imbalance in our relationship. His job completely dominates and it is so tiring to have to always yield to his schedule. He will often work 12 hour days and come home and go straight to bed. In my opinion if he REALLy wanted to he could push himself and walk down to the pub for an orange juice. But I often get fobbed off with the “I have people’s lives in my hand” trump card. He takes his job very seriously which I honestly respect.

But I’m sick of playing second fiddle and always being the one doing the work arounds.

It’s not like my job isn’t without responsibility. Being based in an office and wfh just affords me a lot more flexibility. I went to a grammar school, then Oxbridge and graduated with a first. I was not raised to be this door mat woman.

I knew what I was getting into. But I have a big birthday coming up and just feel like I have a decision to make.

Partner is very apologetic and appreciates my sacrifices.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:14

I don’t know what I’m asking.

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 21/08/2024 14:18

What is his job? In some cases, it can be considered fair enough. Having said that, it's totally okay for you not to want that life in which case you should walk away because of course, it will only get worse - when you have DC and he's never there, you're doing all the childcare and all the sacrificing etc.

Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:20

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 21/08/2024 14:18

What is his job? In some cases, it can be considered fair enough. Having said that, it's totally okay for you not to want that life in which case you should walk away because of course, it will only get worse - when you have DC and he's never there, you're doing all the childcare and all the sacrificing etc.

Pilot. Just starting out at a budget airline.

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 21/08/2024 14:20

I work 8 hours in a piss easy job and I wouldn’t want to go to the pub after work either. Don’t think there’s any excuse for him not at least having a coffee with you at home though

MounjaroUser · 21/08/2024 14:21

Your lifestyles don't work together. I appreciate he's got a difficult job and needs plenty of rest but it's not your job to do everything to make that happen. It sounds as though you haven't been together long. Perhaps you'd be happier in your own place?

MaxTalk · 21/08/2024 14:23

So not really a job where he can WFH?!

Sounds like you have to make a decision particularly given he has just started out.

What is your earning potential compared to his? You may need to play that card, however there is little he can realistically do short of doing something else.

Maybe time to cut and run.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2024 14:24

Op, the dynamics of this relationship don't work for you. You may have known what you were getting into, but that doesn't mean you have to now accept it for all time to come. You have realised it's not making you happy and that's perfectly ok.

I think any mature person knows their partner's life doesn't always revolve around them, but all of us need to be in first place some of the time, and we all need to feel valued and appreciated. It sounds like you're not getting that at all, and that's no way to live. Use your big birthday as a way to start fresh.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2024 14:27

So he's a pilot.

But I often get fobbed off with the “I have people’s lives in my hand” trump card. He takes his job very seriously which I honestly respect.

Fucking hell, what a self-absorbed, self-important twat. Does he wear a cape, too? He sounds ridiculous.

Op, I know several pilots, all of them lovely, normal people with families they adore. This guy is just full of himself. Run for your life.

pikkumyy77 · 21/08/2024 14:29

This just isn’t the relationship for you. His work is always going to be grueling and absorbing and being “out” is more a pleasure to you , as you WFH, than it is for him. You need someone who is more present and attuned to your rhythm. And he does too.

DoreenonTill8 · 21/08/2024 14:29

What sacrifices are you making?

Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:31

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2024 14:27

So he's a pilot.

But I often get fobbed off with the “I have people’s lives in my hand” trump card. He takes his job very seriously which I honestly respect.

Fucking hell, what a self-absorbed, self-important twat. Does he wear a cape, too? He sounds ridiculous.

Op, I know several pilots, all of them lovely, normal people with families they adore. This guy is just full of himself. Run for your life.

So in all honesty he is not saying the “I have people’s lives in my hands” line in a twatty way. He commutes an hour each way which does take it out of him. I have to be in a specific spot for my mum who has a chronic illness.

But he says it knowing I can’t really argue with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:32

DoreenonTill8 · 21/08/2024 14:29

What sacrifices are you making?

Always being on my own, doing all the house stuff on the days he works (he will clean up after himself and do chores on his days off) but won’t run the hoover around on a long day. I often go to social events on my own.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 21/08/2024 14:36

I went to a grammar school, then Oxbridge and graduated with a first and he's at a budget airline do you feel your academia trounces the fact he's at a budget airline?

Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:43

DoreenonTill8 · 21/08/2024 14:36

I went to a grammar school, then Oxbridge and graduated with a first and he's at a budget airline do you feel your academia trounces the fact he's at a budget airline?

No the only point I’m making is that I literally went to school assemblies where I was told we very well might have a future prime minister amongst us. So to be this side character is really unexpected.

I only added the budget airline for context as he’s well paid but hardly providing us with this exceptional lifestyle where I have the consolation of no money worries

Im allowed to list my accomplishments without being characterised as a full of myself.

OP posts:
Dery · 21/08/2024 14:49

@Coralee - sorry if it’s a stupid question but do you have DCs? If not, I don’t see why you need to be sidelined - this seems like an ideal opportunity for you also to be focussing on your career as well as him focussing on his.

And if you don’t have DCs, how much housework can there actually be? Most of us don’t want to run a hoover round at the end of a working day and if it’s just the two of you, rather than tiny children who can create quite a mess, it’s hard to see why anyone would need to.

Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 15:19

Dery · 21/08/2024 14:49

@Coralee - sorry if it’s a stupid question but do you have DCs? If not, I don’t see why you need to be sidelined - this seems like an ideal opportunity for you also to be focussing on your career as well as him focussing on his.

And if you don’t have DCs, how much housework can there actually be? Most of us don’t want to run a hoover round at the end of a working day and if it’s just the two of you, rather than tiny children who can create quite a mess, it’s hard to see why anyone would need to.

Edited

No kids but we have 2 messy labs

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 21/08/2024 15:38

According to the CAA a very blunt guide is that experienced commercial pilots can't work for more than 190 hours in 28 days. And that's DUTY hours, not just flying time (which is capped at 100 hours), and not taking into consideration things like number of landings/shift changes/working away from home.

If he's working 12 hour days he's only working 15 days a month max. What does he do for the rest of the month?

DoreenonTill8 · 21/08/2024 15:44

Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:32

Always being on my own, doing all the house stuff on the days he works (he will clean up after himself and do chores on his days off) but won’t run the hoover around on a long day. I often go to social events on my own.

Show quote history

But if he's doing 12 hour shifts, what mess is he making?
Am not sure what you're being 'sidelined' by? Do you mean because you went to a grammar school and Oxford you shouldn't be sidelined by him as a person or is it his career you mean?

Cantalever · 21/08/2024 15:44

Surely what you are asking for is his full involvement in your relationship and home life. If he is using his job to avoid these, you either sit him down to talk seriously about addressing the problem, and doing so if he is willing, or you quit. Sorry to be blunt, but there is no reason why you should go on like this. He has to pull his relationship weight if you are going to stay in it.

samanthablues · 21/08/2024 15:45

Coralee · 21/08/2024 14:20

Pilot. Just starting out at a budget airline.

Show quote history

pilot for a cheap airline? Jeezus Christ you made him sound in your first post like he was a top brain surgeon at Imperial college or something in the lines.

Pilot for Ryan air bloody copycat? You need to bring down this guy a few notches cause he’s on a high horse.

BloodyAdultDC · 21/08/2024 15:49

Sorry op, but after a 12 hour day plus 2 hours commute you want him to run the hoover round?

Are you for real?

I can barely eat my tea and fall into bed after a 14 hour day, never mind hoover!

Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 16:07

BloodyAdultDC · 21/08/2024 15:38

According to the CAA a very blunt guide is that experienced commercial pilots can't work for more than 190 hours in 28 days. And that's DUTY hours, not just flying time (which is capped at 100 hours), and not taking into consideration things like number of landings/shift changes/working away from home.

If he's working 12 hour days he's only working 15 days a month max. What does he do for the rest of the month?

The 12 hours probably includes travel time - I didn’t do the exact maths. He has to travel on the M25 so leaves with plenty of time. I dont track how many hours he flies but he is often not home in Summer. He’s around a lot in Winter

He flew to Morrocco yesterday and I barely see him. Very typical. Left at 3 am

OP posts:
Original poster
Coralee · 21/08/2024 16:09

samanthablues · 21/08/2024 15:45

pilot for a cheap airline? Jeezus Christ you made him sound in your first post like he was a top brain surgeon at Imperial college or something in the lines.

Pilot for Ryan air bloody copycat? You need to bring down this guy a few notches cause he’s on a high horse.

Show quote history

How did I?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 21/08/2024 16:10

I honestly don’t think he’s doing anything wrong here. Before my maternity leave I was frequently working 10 hour days, not flying or anything, plus commute time and there’s not a chance I’d have been hoovering when I got home or going to the pub. It’s a long day, I’m shattered, I do those things on my days off.

TheCadoganArms · 21/08/2024 16:19

samanthablues · 21/08/2024 15:45

pilot for a cheap airline? Jeezus Christ you made him sound in your first post like he was a top brain surgeon at Imperial college or something in the lines.

Pilot for Ryan air bloody copycat? You need to bring down this guy a few notches cause he’s on a high horse.

Show quote history

Weird reaponse. Are the responsibilities of working as a pilot for a legacy five star carrier different from working as a pilot on a budget airline? You seem rather dismissive of the fact that he literally does have 'peoples lives in his hand'.

Anyway, the OP and pilot seem very mismatched so should probably best go their separate ways.