Imbalance in relationship

[Coralee]

I love my partner very much. He is handsome, charismatic and kind.

There is only one negative - there is a complete imbalance in our relationship. His job completely dominates and it is so tiring to have to always yield to his schedule. He will often work 12 hour days and come home and go straight to bed. In my opinion if he REALLy wanted to he could push himself and walk down to the pub for an orange juice. But I often get fobbed off with the “I have people’s lives in my hand” trump card. He takes his job very seriously which I honestly respect.

But I’m sick of playing second fiddle and always being the one doing the work arounds.

It’s not like my job isn’t without responsibility. Being based in an office and wfh just affords me a lot more flexibility. I went to a grammar school, then Oxbridge and graduated with a first. I was not raised to be this door mat woman.

I knew what I was getting into. But I have a big birthday coming up and just feel like I have a decision to make.

Partner is very apologetic and appreciates my sacrifices.

OP, do you or did you want children?

You having two dogs with him is not the same as a family

Where did I say this?

I certainly don’t want to be the star just equals

I'm cabin crew, although I am long haul. I did short haul for 3 years or so. And both short and long haul it's long days. Often my work day on a long haul flight is 20 hours.

Sometimes on my days off I feel absolutely shattered and just want to stay at home and chill out before my next duty.

I don't think people who are office based understand how tiring it is. It's up at early hours, night flights and sleeping patterns all over the place.

This is his career, most pilots enter into the job as they have a passion for wanting to fly.

I get the point I'm trying to make is you either have to decide if you can put up with this for the rest of your relationship, well until he is retired or if you'd be better finding someone with a normal hours job.

I've been in flying for 25 years now. And as much as I love my job, it's really hard trying to keep relationships because of the time away from home. Christmas' missed, bank holidays working etc. it's unfortunately part and parcel of the job.

Of course you're allowed to list your achievements - however, I think the reason PP have picked up on this is because it's unclear how your academic ability is related to a lack of quality time in your relationship. "I also work x hours at a high flying job," fair enough, but why do you feel grammar school and uni come into it? Not saying this to be combative fwiw, although I can see how it might come across that way typed out.

While I do understand what you were getting at with the "not a doormat" comment - you're an empowered and educated woman - it doesn't sound like he is treating you like a doormat, or expecting you to play second fiddle. It just sounds like your work schedules are out of sync.

I think your comment about being a "side character" is really introspective and self-aware: how much of this is about your own in-built expectations to always be #1? Maybe because you've always worked so hard at school and uni, and because you've gone to such competitive institutions, you feel like you should be the one with the "harder" or more "meaningful" job?

I'm not saying the lack of quality time isn't a problem - I'd struggle with this too. However, I'd do some soul searching about whether it's just the quality time that bothers you, or if it also has something to do with how you see yourself and where you should be, how you should be performing, etc.