Imbalance in relationship

[Coralee]

I love my partner very much. He is handsome, charismatic and kind.

There is only one negative - there is a complete imbalance in our relationship. His job completely dominates and it is so tiring to have to always yield to his schedule. He will often work 12 hour days and come home and go straight to bed. In my opinion if he REALLy wanted to he could push himself and walk down to the pub for an orange juice. But I often get fobbed off with the “I have people’s lives in my hand” trump card. He takes his job very seriously which I honestly respect.

But I’m sick of playing second fiddle and always being the one doing the work arounds.

It’s not like my job isn’t without responsibility. Being based in an office and wfh just affords me a lot more flexibility. I went to a grammar school, then Oxbridge and graduated with a first. I was not raised to be this door mat woman.

I knew what I was getting into. But I have a big birthday coming up and just feel like I have a decision to make.

Partner is very apologetic and appreciates my sacrifices.

I wouldn't call him a self-absorbed twat. I work as a midwife on a labour ward. The shift before last I helped to wheel a woman in the theatre for an emergency C-secton at 07:30 in the morning. I was her case midwife. I started my shift at 07:30 the night before. A healthy baby was born at 07:59, one minute before the end of my shift. I stayed on till 8:30 to help the team as the woman started to bleed (2.5 litres of blood loss, had a blood transfusion in theatre. The woman got discharged from hospital 2 days later, she and her partner very happy with her care). I always make sure I rest plenty in between my shifts. I can't even begin to understand what it feels to be responsible for the lives of a plane full of people. I don't think you are compatible. I think you need to start looking towards separation

I don't think either of you are wrong but it doesn't sound as thought you are compatible to be honest.

My DH works extremely long hours in a very senior position. This comes with challenges but for me, he has always been worth the compromises it has meant for me and our relationship. On the flip side, DHs hard work has meant he is now a high earner, we have a young family and he's fully supportive of me working 2 days per week (or a SAHM if I had preferred).

So what I'm saying is that he's this life comes with compromises but he's willing to compromise for me too.

I mean, his job isn’t going to change. I know a few pilots and their jobs are what they are. Hours are long and not really sociably friendly, depending on what shifts they are doing.

So the question is, are you willing to put up with it? Guess it depends what your priorities are and they are different for everyone.

A pilot doesn’t earn enough to make the sacrifice worthwhile if the disruption bothers you.

You appear unhappy with it so I’d suggest looking for alternatives as it’s not well paid enough that he can retire after a few years of sacrifice as can be the case in very highly paid roles.

If you stick around and put up with the situation long term you’ll end up regretting wasting your life.

Yep, I wouldn't have thought the remuneration is where it needs to be for the family cost.

If he can't see that then time to leave IMO.

@MaxTalk @Charlie2121 pilots get paid fairly well even at budget airlines - there are a few exceptions of course. OP’s partner could easily expect to be on six figures relatively early on in his career.

I’m married to a man who decided we had to pay for him to retrain as a pilot. He is currently at EasyJet and I have been promised an early retirement to make up for me doing more at home right now. Could be even sooner as pilot shortages are significant. Dh trained with people who have already made the move to BA/Emirates unprecedentedly early.

Pilots are becoming captains far earlier due to pilot shortages.

Dh is a senior first officer and has got to £90k salary relatively early in his career. Thank God

That’s not enough to be away from home all the time and no prospect of a senior WFH role in later life.

There are far more highly paid roles that are more family friendly than that. Good luck to those who enjoy it however no way would I even consider something like that for such salaries.

I honestly don't think what he's doing is a massive problem. He will be working and having to commute to work at unsociable times and will probably have inconsistent shift patterns.

He is right he does have people's lives in his hands and his own. He needs to be well rested. I think it's admirable he would rather sleep and take care of his welling over going to the pub.

I work strange hours and always have done. It's hard in a relationship, and I often miss family events and special occasions. I can't do sports days and the kids school event unless it falls on a day off or I have a huge amount notice to get the day off. This has always been the case for me. My H does these occasions/events where I can't.

We often only have one day a week where we can spend time as a family and often I'm knackered. My family don't often get the very best I can offer. My h accepts this and understands and picks up the slack. I also pick up any slack on his end as well in between how I work. We make it work for us because we love each other and the bulls need paying.

You have a choice to make...either make it work or end your relationship.

I would ask him to pay for a cleaner and try setting a date night for you both once every 2 weeks

I also thought you were going to say he was a neurosurgeon from the way you described him.

What a pompous bellend.

Pilots don't work too many hours, they're not allowed to, so he must have a lot of time off and something doesn't add up.

I was not raised to be this door mat woman.

It doesn't sound like you are being a door mat though or that he's treating you like one.
It just sounds like you're not compatible because you need someone who is around more.

But my dh is hardly away all the time. Pilots can only fly so many hours. Today my dh left at 4 am and was home by 1pm. He did pick up and cooked. The great thing with piloting is you can’t really bring the work home so when he’s off he’s off.

And last winter he built us a new utility as the off season is so dead.

But we live close to his base and he can do his standbys from bed!

Well, it sounds like you're not compatible.

I'm wouldn't want to run the hoover around after a long day at work either. 🤷🏼‍♀️

What does he do with all his free time in winter?

If he's a pilot then he's going to have as many off periods as on. Lots of home time nit also lots of hard work periods. If he does long haul eventually then there will be a lot of time alone for you = for some people that's a bonus in a relationship, but not for others.

If you choose to have children, lots of solo parenting for you. You'll need very good support network or cash for good childcare if you're working.

On the flip side, he will retire early and earn very well and have a huge pension.

As you said, you knew what you were getting into. You have to be honest with yourself about whether that's actually what you want out of life.

My husband certainly is not off as much as he is on. Works out not far off 5 on 2/3 off in Summer which is very busy. They can be long days.

In winter there is far less flying.

That’s an odd shift pattern. If he’s full time in summer he’ll be 5 on 4 off 5 on 3 off. But yes quieter in Winter, assuming he’s on 100% year round.

I don't see that he's doing anything wrong here op.
My dh has an all consuming career which takes every drop of energy he has. I get it, and I'm OK with it. When he gets time off, we make the most of it and he really appreciates the support I give him. I'm also really proud of him!

I dont mean this in a nasty way, but you have chosen a partner with a really high flying (no pun intended 😂) career. That comes at a price I'm afraid.

If this isn't the life you want, then you only have one option.

I do empathise with you OP because it sounds like you just want quality time together. You should both read the book love languages together. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. You may not have the quantity of time but you can make it up in quality.

I agree with PP. This is an incompatibility issue.

OP, it really sounds to me that there are two issues. One is actually quite deep. You were brought up - in your family and education - with an expectation of being the star - the one people admired, and arrangements shifted around. This sense that you are now playing a side role to somebody else's main act feels like an assault to your dignity (both in terms of his job being more important, due to having 'lives in his hands' and in terms of your life being shaped around his schedule.)

The second problem seems to be that you want lots of together time and practical help, and you simply can't get that with a person who works away a lot. If this bothers you now, then it will feel ten times worse to you if you ever had kids.

For both of these issues, I would suggest you could do some honest self reflection, because I think your internal issues are more at play than anything he is actually doing. Needing to be the star in terms of status, suggest maybe a searching for validation externally. Needing to have a partner very present, even when you don't have kids, suggests a lack of self reliance and self direction.

They are still valid issues though, and If they feel insurmountable, then be honest with yourself and him, and move on to find a set up that feels better for what you need.

If you are not happy then time to move on.
You do not owe him your time.
This is who he is.
It won't change and if you want children you have to accept this will be your life.
Stop thinking about him and focus on what you want.

He sounds like he takes his job seriously… which is good as he does have people’s lives in their hand.

I agree with others… you seem unsatisfied with his earning and career lifestyle.

You are not his wife or the mother of his children- I’m a bit confused as to why you feel you need so much of his time and attention that him having a career is so problematic. You having two dogs with him is not the same as a family- it is bizarre that you think the two are comparable. I think that other posters have it right- you two are not compatible. The tone of your message comes across as if you subconsciously look down on him, think he is lucky to be with you and therefore should be are your beck and call. I think he deserves better- and if you are Oxbridge educated as you state, maybe you should seek challenge and fulfilment in your own career, rather than rely on becoming someone else’s everything.

To be honest with you, this is a you wanting a different kind of relationship, rather than him being in any way wrong.
I'd be glad if the pilot flying my plane felt as rested as possible.

“Givemegoldensun · Today 16:11
You are not Givemegoldensun · Today 16:11
You are not his wife or the mother of his children- I’m a bit confused as to why you feel you need so much of his time and attention that him having a career is so problematic. You having two dogs with him is not the same as a family- it is bizarre that you think the two are comparable. I think that other posters have it right- you two are not compatible… and if you are Oxbridge educated as you state, maybe you should seek challenge and fulfilment in your own career, rather than rely on becoming someone else’s everything.”

This. You haven’t really said anything to explain why your career should have been sidelined. You haven’t mentioned what your career is and why you don’t feel you can pursue it. Having dogs isn’t the same as having children; there’s no reason why you can’t be pursuing your own career.

Someone mentioned upthread that you seem to want to be the star in the relationship. I don’t really understand why you can’t both be stars in your respective careers.

But if you really feel you can’t, then this does look like a compatibility issue. Wanting someone to vacuum or go to the pub at the end of a working day isn’t necessarily reasonable and most of us wouldn’t be up for it. We save things like that for our non-working days.