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Original poster

No marriage- deal breaker?

74 replies

Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:06

Hey, feel a bit nervous posting but here goes.

For context I'm 27 , Dp is 28 and we have 1 DS who's 7. We've been together for 8 years and had our son very young.

During the small space of time before we had our son it was very full on, I was head over heels and there's no doubt he was too. We used to talk about a gaggle of kids and marriage etc.

Then life happened , we had our son after being together for just over a year, moved out and became "adults" all in one go.

Over the years we've had ups and downs including him hiding some debt from me (not for selfish things just two new parents not used to managing household bills) and both of us having mental health issues.

In the last 2-3 years life has taken a massive turn for the better. We cleared all our debt , learned to drive and bought our own lovely house.

In my mind I was going to get the question popped at some point I just didn't know when, I'm patient so I waited. Then one day at my birthday dinner a couple of years ago when someone entiende marriage he said "he didn't see it for himself - he's want that bothered"

This stung as I never knew that, and he knows it's something I want.

We spoke about it afterward in one of the most emotional conversation we've ever had. I told him it hurt my feelings , and that if it was a financial thing he needn't worry as I was happy to just do the paperwork part (although a big wedding has always been my dream I just want to marry the man I love)

He told me he didn't think we needed it - after all what would it really change apart from my last name. He said he wasnt saying definitley no to marraige but he didnt want to give me false hope.

I told him I didnt want to be messed about and would rather be told definitely no than wait for something that wasn't going to happen.

he told me to take it as a "no" then.

its been 2 years since then and it still plays on my mind.

hes an amazing father and a loving partner , i have no doubts other than his lack of commitment via marraige.

it just hurts my heart, to me marraige is the biggest act of commitment loyalty and love.

is this something we should talk about again, or do i just leave it in the past?

thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:12

Sorry for the spelling mistakes my phone screen broke !

OP posts:
H112 · 20/08/2024 20:15

Why is he opposed to it?

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:17

H112 · 20/08/2024 20:15

Why is he opposed to it?

He gave various reasons.

1.he said it wouldn't change our relationship in anyway

  1. He said he has a bitter taste in his mouth as his mum n dad split up when he was young (although they weren't married , mine were and then decorved and co parented since amicably)
  2. He said he didn't like the thought of legally binding us in case something happened down the road and everything got split - however this is silly as I have more assets than he does and he wouldn't only benefit financially from a marraige splitting
OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:18

H112 · 20/08/2024 20:15

Why is he opposed to it?

Would only benefit *

OP posts:
whyNotaNice · 20/08/2024 20:21

How are finances organised and house deeds ?

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:22

whyNotaNice · 20/08/2024 20:21

How are finances organised and house deeds ?

House belongs to me in my sole name including a large chunk of equity gifted by my family (due to previous issues with his credit). I pay mortgage he contributes a small amount toward that and pays all utilities as he earns more than me. Everything else is split down the middle :)

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 20/08/2024 20:24

It's a tough call, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker. I'm sorry to point this out, but maybe he isn't against marriage, maybe he just doesn't want to marry you

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:26

savethatkitty · 20/08/2024 20:24

It's a tough call, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker. I'm sorry to point this out, but maybe he isn't against marriage, maybe he just doesn't want to marry you

I was worried it was that ☹️

OP posts:
SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:27

In your situation, honestly, I’d get over it.

Financially, you have everything to lose and he has everything to gain by marrying. The man couldn’t even go on your mortgage because of bad credit. You’d be a fool to tie yourself financially to him.

Blackeyedcat · 20/08/2024 20:33

@Fivefoottwoooo I’m with your partner on this one .
me and my partner been together 10 years and I told him early on that marriage doesn’t interest me one bit , to me it means nothing , doesn’t change the love for each other .
and my reasons are the same as your partners , if something was ever to happen between you 2 , it will be sooo much hassle to seperate instead of just walk away .
I am the one who would benefit getting married as I don’t own a house , but it’s my partners , but I still don’t want to get married . I’m not bothered at all about benefitting anything from money side of things . I’m sure if we spilt up , the last thing I’d think about is what I get out of all of this money wise . It wouldn’t bother me , I’d leave it all and start again fresh , I wouldn’t want anything. It has nothing to do with us thinking we might spilt up in the future , it’s just one of these things that could happen no matter how you feel right now . Also my partner isn’t bothered either so it works for us , but I think if my partner really really wanted to get married ,and I knew it , I’d do it for him , not that it really matters to me personally x

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:35

Blackeyedcat · 20/08/2024 20:33

@Fivefoottwoooo I’m with your partner on this one .
me and my partner been together 10 years and I told him early on that marriage doesn’t interest me one bit , to me it means nothing , doesn’t change the love for each other .
and my reasons are the same as your partners , if something was ever to happen between you 2 , it will be sooo much hassle to seperate instead of just walk away .
I am the one who would benefit getting married as I don’t own a house , but it’s my partners , but I still don’t want to get married . I’m not bothered at all about benefitting anything from money side of things . I’m sure if we spilt up , the last thing I’d think about is what I get out of all of this money wise . It wouldn’t bother me , I’d leave it all and start again fresh , I wouldn’t want anything. It has nothing to do with us thinking we might spilt up in the future , it’s just one of these things that could happen no matter how you feel right now . Also my partner isn’t bothered either so it works for us , but I think if my partner really really wanted to get married ,and I knew it , I’d do it for him , not that it really matters to me personally x

Edited

I really respect that way of thinking - I should have been more clear it's not that I wish to leave him. I care more about our relationship than marriage but marriage is followed closely below that. Maybe it's old fashioned of me but I thought he'd want to do it for me. Otherwise he's my best friend and an amazing dad and i know he's not saying it to upset me on purpose. Thanks for your point of view x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:35

SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:27

In your situation, honestly, I’d get over it.

Financially, you have everything to lose and he has everything to gain by marrying. The man couldn’t even go on your mortgage because of bad credit. You’d be a fool to tie yourself financially to him.

Yeah you're right that's a really good point x

OP posts:
LondonFox · 20/08/2024 20:36

Sadly you provided wife experience on girlfriend budget.
It is very hardto get back from that.

As someone mentioned, you will not gain anything via marriafe. Maybe rethink it.

If you want to get married and see it as important life goal - treat it like one.
Tell him you want this and if he is not supportive he can go.
You are young, only one DC,home and money. Men do want that package.

savethatkitty · 20/08/2024 20:38

Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:26

I was worried it was that ☹️

Show quote history

I'm sorry....

It's such a predicament. I hope everything works out for you whatever happens.

RubyWriter · 20/08/2024 20:41

I post on these a lot. I’m unmarried and was heartbroken when my oh said he didn’t want to get married. It felt like a rejection even though he said he was fully committed to our relationship.
So I took a year and decided if I wanted to stay with him. (We stayed together during this time). Emotionally I was able to get over it but it was hard and I did have some crazy moments.
(one of my children was very ill after being born and I was in no fit state and was in shock but I had to sign consent papers because he wasn’t allowed to as we weren’t married and I was furious at him for this for a long time).
Now I can honestly say I don’t care that we are not married

We own our house 50/50 and he pays for most of the bills so I can save for my security/pension etc as I’ve taken the hit having children and working p/t. It sounds as if you are very secure financially which is great to see and quite unusual on Mumsnet!
he has supported me through so much and I know he really loves me and the kids. He would do anything for me (apart from marriage) (although he is far from perfect). and this is more important than a wedding - and I could never force someone to marry me. He is stable and secure. We’ve been together more than 25 years. Children have my surname.
only you can know if it’s a deal breaker.

I think there are better tax breaks if you are married and if something happens to either of you, you may not be NOK.
But I wouldn’t give up my financial security for the idea of romance.

It is really hard but what I would say is don’t rush to make a decision either way. Take some time to work out if you can live without him wanting to marry you.
if you can’t then that’s okay. It’s just what is right for you.

RogueFemale · 20/08/2024 20:41

SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:27

In your situation, honestly, I’d get over it.

Financially, you have everything to lose and he has everything to gain by marrying. The man couldn’t even go on your mortgage because of bad credit. You’d be a fool to tie yourself financially to him.

I totally agree.

@Fivefoottwoooo Around a third of marriages end in divorce. In terms of a guarantee of love and commitment, marriage is meaningless. As things stand and you split up, it'll be a lot easier and cleaner. If you don't split up, happy days.

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:44

RubyWriter · 20/08/2024 20:41

I post on these a lot. I’m unmarried and was heartbroken when my oh said he didn’t want to get married. It felt like a rejection even though he said he was fully committed to our relationship.
So I took a year and decided if I wanted to stay with him. (We stayed together during this time). Emotionally I was able to get over it but it was hard and I did have some crazy moments.
(one of my children was very ill after being born and I was in no fit state and was in shock but I had to sign consent papers because he wasn’t allowed to as we weren’t married and I was furious at him for this for a long time).
Now I can honestly say I don’t care that we are not married

We own our house 50/50 and he pays for most of the bills so I can save for my security/pension etc as I’ve taken the hit having children and working p/t. It sounds as if you are very secure financially which is great to see and quite unusual on Mumsnet!
he has supported me through so much and I know he really loves me and the kids. He would do anything for me (apart from marriage) (although he is far from perfect). and this is more important than a wedding - and I could never force someone to marry me. He is stable and secure. We’ve been together more than 25 years. Children have my surname.
only you can know if it’s a deal breaker.

I think there are better tax breaks if you are married and if something happens to either of you, you may not be NOK.
But I wouldn’t give up my financial security for the idea of romance.

It is really hard but what I would say is don’t rush to make a decision either way. Take some time to work out if you can live without him wanting to marry you.
if you can’t then that’s okay. It’s just what is right for you.

Edited

This is what I needed thank you so much. Maybe I just need to change my perspective a little. I'm sorry to hear about your little one and hope everything is okay now x

OP posts:
Iwasonholidayonce · 20/08/2024 20:44

Definitely sounds better for you not to be married- financially you'd lose out terribly if you were married then divorced. And if he's causing you upset/doubts now, why would you want to take that step?

RogueFemale · 20/08/2024 20:44

savethatkitty · 20/08/2024 20:24

It's a tough call, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker. I'm sorry to point this out, but maybe he isn't against marriage, maybe he just doesn't want to marry you

Nothing he's said suggests that. And he's an 'amazing father and loving partner'. Lots of people aren't into being married and don't see the point (though there can be tax benefits etc). It sounds far more likely he's one of them and not that he's not into OP.

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:45

Iwasonholidayonce · 20/08/2024 20:44

Definitely sounds better for you not to be married- financially you'd lose out terribly if you were married then divorced. And if he's causing you upset/doubts now, why would you want to take that step?

Yes I think I'm just a romantic at heart and maybe a bit of a daydreamer. He's always been very logical and methodical compared to me, thanks x

OP posts:
peppermintteacup · 20/08/2024 20:47

If it is something that continues to upset you then it is something that you need to bring up with him more than once.

Have another conversation about and how sad it makes you feel. Find out his reasons for being against it, tell him your reasons. Take some time to think about his answers.

If you still aren't happy with them a week or so later then yes, you need to bring it up again. If you won't stop thinking about it, then I think you need to keep letting him know. He's not a mind reader.

Blackeyedcat · 20/08/2024 20:53

@Fivefoottwoooo I do think that’s a bit harsh for him to say. Take it as a no about marriage “
this sounds like he really dont want it and he’s made up his choice to say that without considering how you’d react to this answer .
but I think if he knew it’s so very important to you and you really wanted it , I don’t see why he would reject the offer to be honest . He’s got nothing to lose . If he really saw you as a soul mate , he would love to marry the love of his life . But like I said ,we can’t guarantee what he is thinking , maybe you are the love of his life but not committed enough to marry …

Blackeyedcat · 20/08/2024 20:55

@Fivefoottwoooo I think if your partner desperately wanted to marry you , then hassle of splitting things if thing don’t work out is not enough of an excuse not to marry x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2024 20:56

I would consider talking to him again about marriage or a civil partnership. He is not considering your wishes here. His reasons for not wanting marriage are weak really considering his own parents were not married.

I have also seen cohabitation splits and believe me these can be very messy and protracted for not parties even though there is no divorce.

Does your child have his surname?. If so this was more power given to him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/08/2024 20:58

Do not marry him ! You will lose half your house when you divorce !!!
and sadly there is a good chance as x amount of marriages fail, and you got together so young.