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Original poster

No marriage- deal breaker?

74 replies

Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:06

Hey, feel a bit nervous posting but here goes.

For context I'm 27 , Dp is 28 and we have 1 DS who's 7. We've been together for 8 years and had our son very young.

During the small space of time before we had our son it was very full on, I was head over heels and there's no doubt he was too. We used to talk about a gaggle of kids and marriage etc.

Then life happened , we had our son after being together for just over a year, moved out and became "adults" all in one go.

Over the years we've had ups and downs including him hiding some debt from me (not for selfish things just two new parents not used to managing household bills) and both of us having mental health issues.

In the last 2-3 years life has taken a massive turn for the better. We cleared all our debt , learned to drive and bought our own lovely house.

In my mind I was going to get the question popped at some point I just didn't know when, I'm patient so I waited. Then one day at my birthday dinner a couple of years ago when someone entiende marriage he said "he didn't see it for himself - he's want that bothered"

This stung as I never knew that, and he knows it's something I want.

We spoke about it afterward in one of the most emotional conversation we've ever had. I told him it hurt my feelings , and that if it was a financial thing he needn't worry as I was happy to just do the paperwork part (although a big wedding has always been my dream I just want to marry the man I love)

He told me he didn't think we needed it - after all what would it really change apart from my last name. He said he wasnt saying definitley no to marraige but he didnt want to give me false hope.

I told him I didnt want to be messed about and would rather be told definitely no than wait for something that wasn't going to happen.

he told me to take it as a "no" then.

its been 2 years since then and it still plays on my mind.

hes an amazing father and a loving partner , i have no doubts other than his lack of commitment via marraige.

it just hurts my heart, to me marraige is the biggest act of commitment loyalty and love.

is this something we should talk about again, or do i just leave it in the past?

thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 20:59

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2024 20:56

I would consider talking to him again about marriage or a civil partnership. He is not considering your wishes here. His reasons for not wanting marriage are weak really considering his own parents were not married.

I have also seen cohabitation splits and believe me these can be very messy and protracted for not parties even though there is no divorce.

Does your child have his surname?. If so this was more power given to him.

Our child does have his surname, which is all the more reason for me to want to get married. He said I could consider simply changing my last name but that seems a bit odd to me personally ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:01

Blackeyedcat · 20/08/2024 20:55

@Fivefoottwoooo I think if your partner desperately wanted to marry you , then hassle of splitting things if thing don’t work out is not enough of an excuse not to marry x

That's how I feel but I also don't want him to think I'm disrespecting his point of view- more to the point I don't really want to marry someone if they don't want to marry me. It's just hurtful and I don't know if I should keep pressing the issue or if that's more off putting than hoping he will change his mind one day x

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/08/2024 21:01

Do you really want to be married knowing that he didn’t want it and the only way you could get him to agree to marry you was wheedling him to do it? I genuinely don’t see the point in those circumstances, particularly since you’re financially better off if unmarried. There’s nothing romantic or daydreamy about “pressing the issue” and twisting somebody’s arm.

If marriage is important to you I think you need to find another man who feels the same way and do it with him.

BirthdayRainbow · 20/08/2024 21:03

He said all that will change is your last name but that isn't true and that's why he doesn't want to marry you.

But you've stayed two more years since he said it's a no so why?

Blackeyedcat · 20/08/2024 21:05

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/08/2024 21:01

Do you really want to be married knowing that he didn’t want it and the only way you could get him to agree to marry you was wheedling him to do it? I genuinely don’t see the point in those circumstances, particularly since you’re financially better off if unmarried. There’s nothing romantic or daydreamy about “pressing the issue” and twisting somebody’s arm.

If marriage is important to you I think you need to find another man who feels the same way and do it with him.

Edited

I really do think this poster is right ! He’s actually doing you a favour - dont give up your finances by force . At least he knows you would have done if he wanted to , I’d personally forget about the marriage , and try to be happy now . Never know maybe one day he wants to marry you himself , at least then it’s genuine want and not you forcing him into it .

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:05

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/08/2024 21:01

Do you really want to be married knowing that he didn’t want it and the only way you could get him to agree to marry you was wheedling him to do it? I genuinely don’t see the point in those circumstances, particularly since you’re financially better off if unmarried. There’s nothing romantic or daydreamy about “pressing the issue” and twisting somebody’s arm.

If marriage is important to you I think you need to find another man who feels the same way and do it with him.

Edited

I agree , it's not romantic at all and I wouldn't want to get married unless he decided to ask me on his own x

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 20/08/2024 21:10

RogueFemale · 20/08/2024 20:44

Nothing he's said suggests that. And he's an 'amazing father and loving partner'. Lots of people aren't into being married and don't see the point (though there can be tax benefits etc). It sounds far more likely he's one of them and not that he's not into OP.

Show quote history

I sincerely hope that is true.

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:12

BirthdayRainbow · 20/08/2024 21:03

He said all that will change is your last name but that isn't true and that's why he doesn't want to marry you.

But you've stayed two more years since he said it's a no so why?

Hey! Sorry not too sure what the question meant , if it's why I stayed it because I was never going to leave him over it, my question was more should I reapproach the subject now as it's still annoying me - sorry should have been more clear x

OP posts:
Getonwitit · 20/08/2024 21:12

As you own the house and earn more i wouldn't push it unless you really can't live with not being married.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/08/2024 21:14

Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:05

I agree , it's not romantic at all and I wouldn't want to get married unless he decided to ask me on his own x

Show quote history

Which he may well do, given time. You’re both still young and lost all your early youth to growing up fast and being parents and struggling with debt. I wouldn’t be surprised if he yearns a bit for what he missed out on and sees marriage as something that people do when they’re older and settled down, and doesn’t want to see himself and his life as having reached that stage of life yet.

I wouldn’t push it. Ultimately, realising that you have different goals in life and wishes for the future might be the catalyst for you to explore whether you’d have stayed together were it not for having had a baby very young and whether you’re actually compatible long term.

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:14

Getonwitit · 20/08/2024 21:12

As you own the house and earn more i wouldn't push it unless you really can't live with not being married.

Aw sorry I should have been clearer I do own the house on my own but he earns about 6k more than me per year - totally appreciate what you're saying as it's something I've thought about recently too. I think I can live without it but it would still make me a little hurt

OP posts:
whyNotaNice · 20/08/2024 21:16

SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:27

In your situation, honestly, I’d get over it.

Financially, you have everything to lose and he has everything to gain by marrying. The man couldn’t even go on your mortgage because of bad credit. You’d be a fool to tie yourself financially to him.

Yes. You are very few of ladies who are better off without marriage ...though yes of course, I too hold the traditional view of it but....

BirthdayRainbow · 20/08/2024 21:19

Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:12

Hey! Sorry not too sure what the question meant , if it's why I stayed it because I was never going to leave him over it, my question was more should I reapproach the subject now as it's still annoying me - sorry should have been more clear x

Show quote history

You don't need to apologise to me. I just wondered if it is a deal breaker then why stay when he says no, but then if you're not going to leave it's not a deal breaker.

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:21

@BirthdayRainbow That's my bad lol don't know why I used that in the title when it's not really my question x

OP posts:
Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:22

@ComtesseDeSpair - thank you. I think I worry that my want for marriage is a bit of a selfish thing , even if it's just names on paper and no wedding.

Maybe my opinion will change as I grow, it changed about wanting more children as we both agreed one was enough 🫣 but at one point we both wanted two or three.

Maybe we just need to grow together and feel it out x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2024 21:26

No it’s not a selfish thing and besides which your child has his surname. Your happiness here is just as important as his.

BESTAUNTB · 20/08/2024 21:28

He’d be financially better off married to you - you own a house and he doesn’t.

I actually think it says a lot about his morals that he hasn’t married you for his own benefit. A grifter/cocklodger, he is not. He’s there cos he wants to be.

I believe in marriage mostly, but I know so many dead ones where the parties are “tied in”, they get on ok but live like flatmates and have extramarital flings. Your relationship is not like that.

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:33

BESTAUNTB · 20/08/2024 21:28

He’d be financially better off married to you - you own a house and he doesn’t.

I actually think it says a lot about his morals that he hasn’t married you for his own benefit. A grifter/cocklodger, he is not. He’s there cos he wants to be.

I believe in marriage mostly, but I know so many dead ones where the parties are “tied in”, they get on ok but live like flatmates and have extramarital flings. Your relationship is not like that.

That's actually a really interesting way of looking at it - I've never thought about that before !

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 20/08/2024 21:35

Can I ask why you gave your child his surname?

Original poster
Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:37

Divebar2021 · 20/08/2024 21:35

Can I ask why you gave your child his surname?

Yeah of course. At the time we were very young and we had spoken about marriage which we both saw happening somewhere in the future once we were all settled properly. Life flew past and with so much going on we never spoke about it until like I say he blurted out he was against it at a dinner.

I gave him his surname because I assumed one day I'd have the same one. If that wasn't what I thought would happen I'd have hyphenated the last name of my child x

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 20/08/2024 22:15

It's clear he's against the idea- a tad foolish on his part as he'd gain from it, but hey, his choice. It was an emphatic no, so it's pretty pointless to keep bringing it up.
The only opportunity to push for change would be if either or both of you wanted another DC, but if you are happy with the one you have, then there is no need for change. Let's say in future he'd like to be a Dad again, there's your moment to say not until you are married for stability.
Right now, you are that young that if it eats at you to the point of wanting to find someone else who will marry you, you have plenty of time, even if you want more DC's.

Mensuckbigtime · 20/08/2024 22:35

Having children together is the much bigger commitment than marriage.

I have two DCs with STBXH, he had an affair, were getting divorced, but we're bound together forever through our children

Marriages can end, having children together is a much bigger thing (and you have that with him).

I had romantic ideas about marriage (and it's totally fine to have these), but he committed to raising a child with you- that trumps a marriage certificate in my opinion

Xxx

Hayley1256 · 20/08/2024 22:40

SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:27

In your situation, honestly, I’d get over it.

Financially, you have everything to lose and he has everything to gain by marrying. The man couldn’t even go on your mortgage because of bad credit. You’d be a fool to tie yourself financially to him.

I totally agree with this, even with the house in your sole name he could still get half of it if you were to marry and divorce. If you do get married you need to ensure your assets are protected in case of a divorce

fashionqueen0123 · 20/08/2024 22:45

Fivefoottwoooo · 20/08/2024 21:37

Yeah of course. At the time we were very young and we had spoken about marriage which we both saw happening somewhere in the future once we were all settled properly. Life flew past and with so much going on we never spoke about it until like I say he blurted out he was against it at a dinner.

I gave him his surname because I assumed one day I'd have the same one. If that wasn't what I thought would happen I'd have hyphenated the last name of my child x

Show quote history

You could always float the idea of changing it by deedpoll to your partner. See what it brings up?

My friend sadly lost her husband and I can not tell you what a lot of work it is paperwork wise, if they hadn’t been an actual nightmare.

We had friends where one had a terminal illness and they got married in the hospital before she died to save some of this hassle for her husband. I felt so sad though as she had wanted to do it for years. And she never got to enjoy being married.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2024 23:59

SauviGone · 20/08/2024 20:27

In your situation, honestly, I’d get over it.

Financially, you have everything to lose and he has everything to gain by marrying. The man couldn’t even go on your mortgage because of bad credit. You’d be a fool to tie yourself financially to him.

This