No marriage- deal breaker?

[Fivefoottwoooo]

Hey, feel a bit nervous posting but here goes.

For context I'm 27 , Dp is 28 and we have 1 DS who's 7. We've been together for 8 years and had our son very young.

During the small space of time before we had our son it was very full on, I was head over heels and there's no doubt he was too. We used to talk about a gaggle of kids and marriage etc.

Then life happened , we had our son after being together for just over a year, moved out and became "adults" all in one go.

Over the years we've had ups and downs including him hiding some debt from me (not for selfish things just two new parents not used to managing household bills) and both of us having mental health issues.

In the last 2-3 years life has taken a massive turn for the better. We cleared all our debt , learned to drive and bought our own lovely house.

In my mind I was going to get the question popped at some point I just didn't know when, I'm patient so I waited. Then one day at my birthday dinner a couple of years ago when someone entiende marriage he said "he didn't see it for himself - he's want that bothered"

This stung as I never knew that, and he knows it's something I want.

We spoke about it afterward in one of the most emotional conversation we've ever had. I told him it hurt my feelings , and that if it was a financial thing he needn't worry as I was happy to just do the paperwork part (although a big wedding has always been my dream I just want to marry the man I love)

He told me he didn't think we needed it - after all what would it really change apart from my last name. He said he wasnt saying definitley no to marraige but he didnt want to give me false hope.

I told him I didnt want to be messed about and would rather be told definitely no than wait for something that wasn't going to happen.

he told me to take it as a "no" then.

its been 2 years since then and it still plays on my mind.

hes an amazing father and a loving partner , i have no doubts other than his lack of commitment via marraige.

it just hurts my heart, to me marraige is the biggest act of commitment loyalty and love.

is this something we should talk about again, or do i just leave it in the past?

thanks

There’s no way as the mother of the child I would be having a different surname to my child - I’m certainly not the one needing to answer questions going through passport control. If my partner didn’t want to be married that’s fine but my child would have my name and if he didn’t like it he could go through the palaver of changing his.

Hey - I appreciate that but at the time of having my child 7 years ago , I never thought I'd get to a point where I wasn't going to be married to DP. But maybe that was me being naive.

I'm certainly not going to be changing my child's last name at this stage as I don't think that's fair to my son and would be confusing. I also don't know how I feel about changing my last name without being married. It's a tough one

I think it’s more romantic not to get married. He’s with you because he loves you, he can easily walk away and although he could make a claim for some of the house there is a high risk he won’t get it.

I would never change my name to someone who didn’t want to marry me. That’s just beyond ridiculous they’d even ask you to do that.

In your situation I wouldn't get married. You could kick him out tomorrow if you wanted to, the house is yours, he's helping you to pay off your mortgage and hopefully you are also paying into your own pension fund, so if anything goes wrong in the relationship, you're in the stronger position.

You're not having any more DC and you're through the difficult baby years that affect your earning capacity etc.

But most importantly, he doesn't want to marry you and you can't force him.

The fact that he didn't want to marry me though would make me sad, and also consider other options.

Personally, I would want my child to have my name, so do think about that. 7 is very young still, you could change it and he'd barely remember ever having a different name.

Every friend / work colleague / passing acquaintance I have known who has been enmeshed with a man who proclaimed not to believe in marriage has gritted her teeth and put up with it , only to be left for someone he did then marry

Usually, the man has said he never wants children as well - and has then become a father within a very short time of being married to the new model.

(Particularly hard where the original partner has sacrificed her chances of ever having children by spending a couple of decades with him )

Its what we allow with a man....unfortunately. I had one like that. Happy to have my private part when needed right? Nothing more. I said: we are marrying or I'm leaving. He put up a fight even after promising a marriage. I pressed hard and we got married. May be I shouldn't press him but just leave. Didn't have a place to go. He was good over all. We are still married and now he is scared I really might go one day. But I couldn't live unmarried with someone. It's like sitting on a fence when you can have a whole garden

It's not romantic and it's also wrong twisting things. Married men do leave also

I am a very practical person and I agree completely with this. Stay financially independent, personally in your shoes I wouldn’t have more children and I’d never change the house ownership without being married otherwise I’d continue as you are. It sounds like a good relationship and marriage is mostly a place for women who are affected by the financial hit of having children to protect themselves financially. You sound like you have that covered.

You're still very young. A lot of people haven't got married at your age. He might still change his mind BUT you would be wise to continue unmarried given you have a house of your own.

He doesn't sound very bright but maybe he is keeping options open and doesn't think he needs the security. I'd encourage him to save for his own investment property if you're not going to be married then he needs some security.

If you do marry get a prenuptial agreement to protect your inheritance. If he contributes to the house then he may already have rights over that property.

I'm mid 40s and am starting to see the divorces. The couples who gave been together since school are falling apart. It's very sad. 50% of marriages end in divorce.

My friend who split from her unmarried life partner where they both had assets is doing much better. I think in your circumstances try and make it work with security for both of you without marriage

Nonsense. Irrelevant.

Lovely. Person.NOT!

Ok.
But my point stands.

I won’t marry him tbh … makes no financial sense plus he lied about debt in the past. Don’t lose out financially…. You might find once your son is grown up you don’t want him as he doesn’t really provide for your needs and find someone else. Less messy.

It’s unfair that he agreed to marry you down the track and then changed his mind. If he had been upfront in the beginning before the child came along you could have weighed up your options. You thought you were on the same page, he changed his mind without discussing it and just shrugs when you object.
i know other posters are saying it’s no big deal but being a wife is different to being a girlfriend, we all know it is.

The house is in your sole name, he has hidden debt in the past and isn’t good with money. Youd have to be mad to marry him. Think practically, not romantically.

This

I think this goes down to what is important to you. You could approach the subject again. But he may still say no. In my opinion I’ve been married and divorced it is just a piece of paper. But it’s so hard to get out of once you have made that commitment. You sound happy with him as a dad and partner and I think that’s hard to find.

I would definitely look into double barrelling your child's name.

When your partner asks why, simply tell him that had he been upfront about his plans to never be married to you when your DS was born you would have either given him your name only or double barrelled it then. Why should you be the one to have a different name to your DS?

If he once again suggests you changing your name to his, laugh in his face and say why on Earth would you do that when clearly you will never be his wife as he has no intention of making any kind of commitment to you.

It's sad but he doesn't want to be married to you.

He's an idiot but as already pointed out, you are better off financially in the event of a split.

He's the one who doesn't want the romance and the commitment so I guess you need to be more transactional about it in the same way that he is.

I would be really pissed off and resentful and obviously my advice reflects this but he has strung you along for a number of years here, he let you find this out via a comment for you to overhear with others present and his reasons for not marrying you are weak. I wouldn't want to marry HIM after this.

You are not each other's next of kin so you should consider power of attorney and wills although I'm not sure I'd want him as my attorney tbh! In fact I would complete the forms with him knowing damn well I had nominated someone else.

If you were to get married and then divorced a few years down the line and he walked away with at least 50% of your assets, how would you manage? Are you a high earner? Would you be able to buy or rent on your own? What would life look like for you financially?

Trust the wisdom of folk who have been there. Don’t do anything to jeopardise your assets.

This would be the end for me simply because I does mean so much to me. I wanted to get married for all the reasons and needed the security that comes with it. My husband wasn't fussed but understood it was important to me therefore we had a tiny wedding and boom done married twelve years now.

I do think in your case that you are better off, and as a previous poster pointed out, it shows that he’s there because he wants to be and isn’t trying to lay claim to your house etc.

My DP of 6 years also stated categorically that he will never marry again- it would be second time around for both of us. He has more faith than I do and says he can’t make the same promise to God twice. He is going through a messy divorce after a decade separated- he always knew it would be acrimonious and had planned to wait until the youngest was away at Uni before starting the process. Having seen a glimpse of how much he’s been through, I can see why he would avoid it again but as I say, that’s not his reason.
I still have moments when I feel sad that it won’t happen because we both feel like we are finally with our soulmate, but he is committed to me in every other way possible. He has made it clear that he will never change his mind and that he can only hope that his absolute love for me will be enough to keep me happy:

For me it would be a deal breaker not to be married however you cannot force him and doesn't sound like he is going to change his mind so you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you. I would definitely make sure I protect my assets so if you break up he cannot make claim on your house. You mention he contributes towards the mortgage and based on lots of threads I have seen on MN this might cause problems should you break up. So perhaps something to look into.