Wtf am I doing!

[JaneFrances]

My husband said he only married me because all his mates were getting married and he wanted the same and he wanted kids. Not in the beginning of course. He cheated with a family friend's student daughter (6 month relationship) a woman at work (ONS) kissed a woman from the pub and then a 4 year affair with a family friend when she got divorced. She got pregnant by someone else and lost it. He still carried on with her. He was outraged she did that when he'd given everything up for him. He pissed around with her for years afterwards but she wouldn't allow him to move in. I put his belongings in bin liners when I found out. I allowed him back for the kids. They're adults now but the H is useful for gardening and house maintenance. I bought him out when he left but now he's got another claim on the house.

Is there any hope for a chap like that?

Are you the husband, by any chance, hoping to gauge whether your wife will take you back?

Never ever in my life have I heard a woman call a man a “chap”.

There is absolutely no hope. Get a handyman and gardener instead. Far less traumatic!

I thought exactly the same

No I'm a long time poster. Does it matter whether I call him a bloke, dude or anything else? Check my other posts if you need convincing I'm not a guy or doing one of those "reversed".

He's a technophobe anyway doesn't have a smart phone or an email address.

You're wrong too.

I have a friend who calls men chaps. Just saying.

We say chap a lot in my part of the Midlands! I hope you're well rid of him soon, in every way, OP.

No. I would get out now, even if I was 78. I would not want someone like that in my life unless he was a postman or a bin man.

E Mids here and we use chap.

I agree OP. He's humiliated you plenty over the years and I'm not sure I could let that go

@JumalanTerve
@FloatyBoaty

We can be female and refer to men in any way we choose without being castigated. Take no notice @JaneFrances

I sometimes say to a friend “how’s your chap?” Or “that chap that lived at No 9.”

I also call them blokes.

Maybe it’s a generational or regional thing?

He has no respect for you.

Read that again.

Do your own garden, deal with your own house maintenance, it’s all far less stressful and expensive than a waste of space man!

He has no respect for you.

I also say chap or bloke, I am 50 and originally from Lancashire. My family who still live in that area also say chap, we also use the word chap like you would guy so are you guys/chaps free next weekend, it is just a collective word and does not specify all male group, my sister uses it with me and I am female.

What hope does he have? At what? A relationship? A successful life? It sounds like he is a seeker, always trying to find something to make him happy and not succeeding.

@JaneFrances I don’t think there’s much hope for your toxic DH by any stretch of your imagination. He’s a rotter but if for the sake of his DIY skills you are prepared to suffer within the boundaries of your marriage, stick it out with him. But, what a waste of life.

Why not take some legal advice and see what that shows up. There might be a loophole you can take advantage of given you bought him out on the past. Maybe he would be awarded less given the past financial input and buy out arrangements from you?

I'm from that part of the Midlands associated with beer. We say that a lot.

A gardener and a handyman wouldn’t have a claim on your house. You’re asking the wrong question, it should be, is there hope for a woman who is still musing over the redemptive possibilities of a scumbag she let back in despite his despicable behaviour in their marriage? Only you can answer that one.

Hi OP
Is there any hope? Yeah people can and do change.

You don’t say what it was like in the time after you let him come back. I hope I’m not over stepping the mark but it sounds like as a couple his behaviour was swept under the rug and possibly not dealt with

if you want to keep him around, whether as handyman or husband, or even just to maintain your stake in the house, I think it would do you both well to really look at reconciliation after infidelity.
ideally this involves counselling but not everyone can afford it/is willing or able to go.
there are plenty of self help resources too for the both of you out there.

survivinginfidelity.com is a good site in a lot of ways. Some of the posters are very intense but the moderation team are very good and always have consistent and helpful advice. You will find lots of support there whether you choose to keep him around or kick him out. It’s YOUR choice.

No hope at all. You deserve more. Why on earth did you stay with him the first time he was unfaithful?

Sorry OP no hope at all with him I don’t think.

Why would he want to behave that way towards you, even if there were issues etc within the marriage?

Also don’t listen to the other posters complaining about you calling him chap, people on here get into rather bizarre things to have a pop at.

Hope? For him? For you? For something more than a practical arrangement?

Sounds like he’ll carry on living with you for convenience. Sounds like you’re OK with that too. Is he really less trouble than he’s worth? He looks after himself and pays for himself and does bonus work on top?

People will treat you the way you think you deserve to be treated. Is it good enough for you?

It sounds like mutual respect departed a long, long time ago. Honestly, OP, you will be better off in every way just cutting ties completely with this loser. I agree that decent gardeners and handymen are worth their weight in rubies, but any help you get needs to be decent and honest - and this loser is neither of those things.

He was a Disney dad when he came back. Now the children are adults he's become more enmeshed in their lives and their partners. I had him back to prove I'd won. Simple as. I know it was stupid. I was very cold towards him when he came back.

I just want a quiet life now with my family and friends. He's there and he's useful and he pays his way. I don't fancy him.

@JaneFrances what other claim does he have on the house if you bought him out?

He's bought household items like a vacuum cleaner etc and his bed and furniture for his room, TV things like that.

He's never going to be able to get a mortgage. I remortgaged some years ago and had an extension. My mom died recently and my sister and I will be selling the property and dividing the proceeds so I can pay the whole mortgage off. It seems wrong he should benefit from that. I want my sons to benefit. The youngest is a high earner while the elder is in a not much more than minimum wage job.

Some people are beyond help. Bed made - lie down

So OP, sounds like you are actually married, and for a very long time?
You don't mention having actually divorced during your split up.

Unfortunately, he probably has an equal stake in your house and assets, no?