Wtf am I doing!

[JaneFrances]

My husband said he only married me because all his mates were getting married and he wanted the same and he wanted kids. Not in the beginning of course. He cheated with a family friend's student daughter (6 month relationship) a woman at work (ONS) kissed a woman from the pub and then a 4 year affair with a family friend when she got divorced. She got pregnant by someone else and lost it. He still carried on with her. He was outraged she did that when he'd given everything up for him. He pissed around with her for years afterwards but she wouldn't allow him to move in. I put his belongings in bin liners when I found out. I allowed him back for the kids. They're adults now but the H is useful for gardening and house maintenance. I bought him out when he left but now he's got another claim on the house.

Is there any hope for a chap like that?

Yes it seems wrong he might benefit given you've paid him off previously but you've allowed this to happen. You need to get advice because if he does have a claim that's no win for you. Just a very very expensive Gardner/handyman who has treated you with no respect.

@JaneFrances

Well, damn. So I assume there was never any financial transaction when you kicked him out then that you could possibly use now.

See a solicitor, find out your exact legal position wrt the house and finances and what if anything you can do to better it. Make your plans accordingly and get a divorce anyway. I don't know about you, but I'd rather live in a rented bedsit in peace than in a mortgaged mansion and deal with a man like that.

@AcrossthePond55 There was a letter saying what he got was final settlement in the house. I didn't kick him out, he told me he was leaving for someone else. He came back when it didn't work out with her and I allowed it. The children were 9 and 7. I found out about the other cheating later when he was back in the house.

He's not a beast or anything, I don't think he's seeing other women now as he's a boring old fatt now. We've got separate lives. He'd not be able to afford anywhere else to live. My sons seem to have forgotten about him leaving the first time. They're adults now and have a good relationship with him.

@JaneFrances

I see. Well then as to your original question, no, they never change. He will remain who he is until he dies.

If you don't want to divorce him and you've built separate lives financially, socially, and 'living space-wise', then I guess all that remains is to 'divorce' yourself emotionally to the point where you no longer care what he does or with whom and you can treat him like an annoying roommate, but one who has no power to truly annoy you.

Does he realize how you feel and does he realize that the two of you have a marriage of convenience as far as you're concerned or does he consider you 'married' in the usual sense of the word? Because I will say that if you provide any 'domestic services' for him like laundry, fixing his meals, cleaning 'his' spaces or cleaning up after him and it causes you emotional distress or anger I would certainly stop. If you do it as 'fair swaps' for him doing DIY, gardening, etc then I'd just continue on, provided I could get to the point of indifference to him.

There was a letter saying what he got was final settlement in the house.

You need to seek legal advice and find out where you stand now.

@JaneFrances

I forgot to address it in my (lengthy) reply, but I agree with @kkloo . If you have a legal document saying you'd bought him out or he gave up his interest in the house you need to take it to a lawyer. Current or future plans to divorce or not, you need to know where you stand legally wrt the house. Knowing for sure may affect that 'indifference' I was referring to.

Also honestly, what your sons do or do not remember about his previous behaviour should have no bearing on your own decisions now. You deserve to live a happy and peaceful life even if your sons have memories of 'happy families' and you have memories of hell. Don't sacrifice your own peace on the altar of your son's memories.

So is he there as a tenant?

He's not got a rent book. He's not on the deeds of the house any more.

But through all that money paid & changing the deeds you were and are still legally married, right? There have been many threads where a poster has written 'my name is not on the deeds' and they've been advised that the home is still a marital asset.

You really need to see a solicitor. Take any/all paperwork and have them advise you. If this was some sort of informal, not legally drawn up 'thing', he can come back and say he was coerced or that you misled and defrauded him. Even if you've sold that house & bought another, he might possibly still have some 'interest' in it because the original agreement was not drawn up properly or he didn't get independent legal advice.

Even if you want to continue your MoC, you deserve the peace of mind of knowing exactly where you stand.