Please help me. Father refusing to bring daughter home

[seethesunflowers]

Hello everyone,

I have NC to protect my identity.

I know it is too early to post at this time. But I haven't been sleeping nor eating for a couple of days. My abusive ex is making excuses not to return our daughter back home and I don't know what to do.

To begin. I have a daughter who is 13 and has additionally needs. I have been the primary carer for my daughter since she's been born whilst her father was in and out of her life and due to the abuse, was encouraged to see our daughter through supervised contact but he refused.

Two years ago, he reappeared and requested to be involved in our daughter's life. But has caused nothing but trouble. He proclaims that he wants to see his daughter but I feel this is more about him reclaiming his control. So many episodes have happened (he has an indefinite restraining order in place). He has been stalking me, been outside our flat on numerous occasions, came to my daughter school to attempt to take her and sundew had a big scuffle with the teachers who stopped him, One day my daughter saw him on the way to school and she went out with him and by the time I found out, he then began to refuse to bring her back, we rang the police, we were searching up and down past 1am until my mother convinced him to bring her back. He proclaimed that he wanted to see his daughter and I was refusing and wanted us to sort out the matter. I did not. I was hoping he would soon begin to lose interest but I wished I took this as a sign to take this to court. As you can see, he has been breaching the restraining order over and over again.

Fast forward to last week, my daughter and I have been staying at my family's house during the summer break as we are renovating our flat. My cousin and my ex get along very very well and in the past, when my daughter will spend weekends at my family's house, my ex will contact my cousin to get through to my daughter and they will have telephone conversations. I didn't think this was weird and was slightly relieved so didn't take an issue with this. But then my ex would give my cousin stuff to give to my daughter that he bought for her- but I was unaware, to the point that my cousin would refuse to tell me what the dad got for my daughter as he would say "it is his business and he told me not to tell you".

Anyway, back to last week. So we have been staying at my family's house yada yada. My daughter went to see my cousin to ask him about something, whilst I was downstairs pottering around. Then all of a sudden, I just heard a bang- like a door has been shut and footsteps hurrying out. I immediately went to look out of the door, but saw nothing, I then went to look out of the window to see who went out of the house, nothing, I then went upstairs to check on my daughter, but despite calling her name, she was not answering and I couldn't see my cousin. I immediately called my cousin but he was not picking up my calls. Then, I just knew that my cousin took my daughter to her father's house. I called my sister, my ex's family, and they confirmed that they were able to get through to the dad and my cousin and confirmed that my daughter was at their father's.

I have called my ex on numerous occasions to bring my daughter home. But he is refusing. He says that this is all "my fault" and that I should have made an agreement to allow him to see her and that he would only return her if an agreement was put in place or he would keep a hold of her and wait for the court to ask him to return her back. My family have been pleading with him to return our daughter back and he would then make promises that he will return her on such and such day, but makes an excuse not to bring her. He is asking to see his daughter, unsupervised, one day a week during term day and to have her for half of the holidays. But I have told him that due to his unpredictable behaviour and the fact we can't co parent and that he doesn't know my daughter very well. We need to take it step by step and have something in writing. But he is refusing.

I have had to cancel all my daughter's doctor's appointments because she is not back. I have spoken to her on the phone and she seems okay. But she doesn't know where she is and would not tell me as her father tells her not to say anything. Her father has now agreed to give her back tomorrow as she has an appointment then but now he is asking for proof of this as he has enjoyed spending time with her and does not want her to come back. Now I am up worried that this will be another excuse not to bring her home.

What do I do? I know she is 13- soon to be 14 and that she is a teen and wants to see her father and can technically just go and see her father whenever she wants without my permission. But her father's behaviour is so unpredictable, where it compromises my safety. My cousin is ignoring my calls and is refusing to tell me the father's address. I am just distraught. I have brought her up as a single parent for the past 13 years. We have a holiday booked but I don't know if I have to cancel that one. I am just broken and don't know what to do.

I would 100% get a formal record of this incident via the police. You will likely need it as evidence. Whether you get this before or after your DD is returned is up to you, but it’s important that you have an “official” record of this for any future court battles.

What law has he broken? Not 'but what about'

@Edingril

Past Domestic Abuse Convictions x4
Breach of restraining order x3 (where he was convicted and is currently still on probation).
School witnessing father attempting to take child away and cause a disturbance in two occasions.
CAMHS report after treatment and assessment of her behaviour, outlining that her behaviour (won't go into detail another storey) is likely due to her witnessing domestic abuse from when she was at a young age.
Social services report (recent) who spoke to my daughter as part of an assessment (I was seeking more support) who specify wrote down that my daughter said alarming things which she believes is what she overheard when speaking with her father and classified this as emotional abuse.

Are you telling me that after all of this, the court will grant him more access??

CALL THE POLICE.

Protecting her from an abusive man who has basically kidnapped her is their JOB.

Nobody can answer that, it will be for the court to decide based on all the facts presented to them including your daughter's wishes.

Thank you.

I suggested supervised contact but the father refused. In the past, the social services recommended for the father to do supervised visits as the only means to see his DD. But he refused. I have always encouraged contact between him and DD despite his abuse. But it had to be safe but he always refused to do it.

So there's no point going to court at all if he will likely be granted more access?? What what can I do?

so your cousin has been going behind your back giving your daughter things and allowing her to talk to her father when you were going no contact? You are now staying at cousins house and he has kidnapped your child and taken them to the father who is now refusing to return her? It was not the father that took her but your own family member. I would 100% be having him arrested. You need to get a court order to get your daughter back asap!! Good luck!!

I am a Social worker. There is a history of DV, and court and SS have acknowledged the requirement for contact to be supervised. Your daughter was taken by your cousin without consent. Your daughter has additional needs that increase her vulnerability. Taking all of this into account, I would call your local Social Services office and state that you consider that she is at risk of emotional abuse and neglect (missing medical appointments). I previously managed a child protection team, and I would have acted on this. I think a strategy meeting is required with the police child protection team to consider if there is sufficient evidence to remove your daughter. At the very least, it alerts professionals.

I would also proceed with apply for an emergency order from the courts and hopefully WA can support you through the process.

But a social work manager with a good understanding of DV risks and impact on children may be able to have your daughter removed via an assessment and police protection, albeit no gaurantees. You would need to tell them about his threats in relation to you going to the police, and this would be taken into consideration.

You need to go to court to get access formalised.

Yes, it is possible that he may be granted more access depending on your DD’s wishes. However whatever access he is granted he will have to adhere to and anything beyond that he would be in breach of a court order.

Whereas at the moment there is no court order in place and so you both essentially have equal rights to access.

Clearly the man is scum, I don’t think that anyone is in any doubt about that. But from a legal perspective he hasn’t done anything wrong, He is vindictive and his own methods are not in his daughter’s best interests, but his refusing to return your daughter to you is in legal terms no different to you refusing for him to see your daughter. There’s nothing in place to say that either of you can’t act in this way, the only difference is that you are acting in your daughters best interests and he isn’t.

I wouldn’t ever speak to the cousin again. But you have nothing to gain by saying he kidnapped your daughter because he didn’t. He facilitated contact between your daughter and her father, and as someone with PR he was able to give consent for that to happen.

That's what the court application is for.

It's really not. This is a civil matter and the police are not enforcers of contact orders (not that this order even excludes contact anyway)

You need a lives with order. The he can't keep her - the police can bring her back.

I'm an IDVA. I have advised clients in this situation to apply for an emergency a Prohibited Steps Order. Once this is granted, police can step in if necessary.

At the same time as applying for a PSO, I would contact police to ask them to consider whether this is a breach of the Restraining Order. It may not be, but it's worth asking.

I would also be making an immediate safeguarding referral to social services - you can self refer for this.

I'm a social work manager. This wouldn't merit a strat, there is no incident to strat. It absolutely wouldn't meet the threshold for police protection, which a social work manager doesn't have the power to implement in any case. If I tried to ask the police to attend to PP this child they would put it right back to me and tell me it's our responsibility to get an emergency application into court not put the responsibility onto them. In any case this is not an immediate removal situation, the OP needs to make the application.

I'm a social work manager. This wouldn't merit a strat, there is no incident to strat. It absolutely wouldn't meet the threshold for police protection, which a social work manager doesn't have the power to implement in any case. If I tried to ask the police to attend to PP this child they would put it right back to me and tell me it's our responsibility to get an emergency application into court not put the responsibility onto them. In any case this is not an immediate removal situation, the OP needs to make the application.

Yes because the court application will determine if he should return her (assuming he doesn't do so this week) and will also enable you to apply for a lives with order which will be easier to enforce if he does this again.

Getting the arrangements formalised through the court means he can't get away with refusing to bring her back on time, hopefully preventing a repeat of the current situation.

At 13, the court will likely take consideration off your daughter's wishes, and it sounds like she wants to spend time with her father. You'd have to convince the court that a) her SEN means she isn't capable of making an informed choice, b) that she'd be at significant risk of harm in his care, to prevent unsupervised contact.

Social services should be your friend here. Get them on side and keep them on side. You want social services to be involved when you go to family court and you want them to do the section 7 report, they'll be much more likely than cafcass to advise no unsupervised contact with the father.

Speak to SS first, try and get them to agree that you need to get court order child arrangements and there's a good chance they'll back you, from what you've said. Then go to court and file, stating that it's an emergency case (when I did that, in slightly different circumstances, I was in front of a judge within 20 minutes and had an emergency order within an hour).

Oh, and either your cousin is a complete wrongun or there's another side to all this.

You want social services to be involved when you go to family court and you want them to do the section 7 report, they'll be much more likely than cafcass to advise no unsupervised contact with the father.

this isn't how it works. If you don't already have an open case with social services they won't get allocated the section 7. Cafcass do all section 7s for cases that aren't already open to children's services and if you make a referral specifically around court and contact children's services will direct it back to cafcass as they won't voluntarily take on work that they don't need to.

However I do agree with you that children's social workers in frontline services are better at assessing risk in general than cafcass social workers.

He is not bringing her back. He keeps going back on his word. I'm sick of this. I'm contacting the police.

@seethesunflowers sorry but when you say your family's house, do you mean your parents house or your auntie's house?? why does your cousin appear to have free rein to come and go into your parents house and remove your child?? If he has removed your child from her safe place is that not abduction??? when you get your child back I feel you need to cut contact with your untrustworthy cousin and most certainly the police need to be involved for breach of the restraining order and refusal to return the child!

Wow what a hell of an experience for you to deal with.
Qhy is he not bwing charge for being near you with a restraining order?
Police and then take advice as to keeping him & the cousin from thos nightmare behaviour.

Well currently your choice iis to do nothing but complain and post on MN or to contact the police, Social Services, a solicitor to explain the situation and find out exactly what you can do and what your options are in this situation.

I know which I'd do but you seem intent in doing the opposite.

This current situation has been going on for 6 days and your daughter has missed medical appointments (which is classed as neglect) and you're only now (after 4 pages) thinking of contacting the police? Unbelievable.

Op, i’ve had to go through family courts a lot and I think they would take a very dim view of what has gone on here and they would take your concerns Seriously, given you daughters age if she wants to see her dad they will find a way to facilitate it, but it will be better than the situation you have at the moment, family Court can be a horrible place but it’s really going to be down to what your daughter wants and what is deemed safe now and I think it would be a huge improvement on your current situation. I think you’re doing the right thing calling the police now, even just for some advice and to show you are being proactive, and at the very least the cousin should face consequences.

i’m not sure how much you know about it, but solicitors tend to advise before you go to court and then barristers will come to court with you. In the old days you had to get a solicitor and they would sort out the barrister for you, but things have changed, you can actually go straight to a barrister which is a lot cheaper. They have all the legal training they need, and they have the experience of being actually in court on the front lines, their advice can be more realistic in my opinion .

There’s lots of companies you can find direct access barristers through, but they charge, then there is this website where you can find them for free. Lots of them will give you a free initial chat. if I was you, I would see if you can speak to a few people via this site and you will get an idea of what you ought to be doing. speak to several as they may suggest different approaches. https://www.directaccessportal.co.uk

If you don’t have enough money to go in with legal representation, you can do it on your own, if you want to PM me I can give you a little bit of a hand hold and some advice about that, or you can post for detailed advice from others who have been through it on mumsnet legal. you might be entitled to legal aid, but it can be very difficult to get.

My parents. My cousin lives with them too.