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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The cruelty of ghosting

62 replies

Dinkiedoo · 19/08/2024 15:41

I had a very good friend. Or so I thought. He was funny charismatic and full of personality. He was welcomed by my family ....fancied my husband and my son...jokingly. we all loved him.
Suddenly 4 years ago he " disappeared " and not just from me. Mutual friends reported same.
I've tried..to no avail..to contact him but he's just ignored everyone.
This still hurts and I miss him every day.
I have accepted that he's moved on .
If anyone thinking of doing this to a person unless you hate them. Please don't. It's cruel

OP posts:
KripKrapKrisp · 19/08/2024 15:44

My boyfriend of 5 years did this to me! It says everything about them and how they don’t have a soul rather than you x

Chubbyjo · 19/08/2024 15:46

I’d suggest in your story it’s not about you but something with him. I’m surprised you don’t seem to see that, bit only focus on you.

GingerBeverage · 19/08/2024 15:48

Only heard of one man doing this and honestly, it came out that he was arrested and convicted for CSA images and grooming.

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 19/08/2024 16:16

Assuming he just didn’t want to be friends anymore, no more no less, would you rather he told you that outright? Was there a slow fade or abrupt ignoring?

Chubbyjo · 19/08/2024 16:39

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 19/08/2024 16:16

Assuming he just didn’t want to be friends anymore, no more no less, would you rather he told you that outright? Was there a slow fade or abrupt ignoring?

He did it to others, it’s right there in the very short op. Dropped out of his social circle, as such clearly the man had some form of issue going on. It wasn’t about the op. I’d have thought concern for him not for oneself would have been the first thought.

WrylyAmused · 19/08/2024 16:48

Severe depression (and various other mental health issues) can lead to people withdrawing.

Since in this case it wasn't just from you, but from his whole social network, it's most likely that he's having some personal issues of his own.

Whilst no doubt it is painful to you, unfortunately he's probably feeling overwhelmed simply with trying to manage his own affairs, and has no headspace for anything or anyone else.

It doesn't sound like it's in any way personal to you. Try not to take it personally and have some compassion for him along with your grief for the lost friendship.

User20056 · 19/08/2024 16:52

Gosh, clearly he has other issues going on OP, I don't know how you call that 'cruel'. It's not personal to you!

Ghosting can be shitty, but your example really isn't. He's not doing it to spite you, he has other things going on mostly likely

Keydaff4 · 19/08/2024 16:52

I had this with a friend I met at university, good friends for 6+ years. Visited each other often, he came up to see me and my husband. Came to stay, lots of fun times.
He then met someone and got married - I was invited to the wedding but I couldn’t attend. Heard from him briefly after that but then he just stopped replying to my messages, didn’t even respond to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I gave up after that.

I just assumed him and his wife were going through some thing difficult and he didn’t have the time for me anymore.. or she just didn’t like his friendship with me!

RonnieOmelettes · 19/08/2024 16:55

A really good friend of mine in a different country has done this to me. It’s definitely stuff going on with her and I just want her to be ok but I’m so sad about it and it’s really painful.

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 19/08/2024 17:11

Chubbyjo · 19/08/2024 16:39

He did it to others, it’s right there in the very short op. Dropped out of his social circle, as such clearly the man had some form of issue going on. It wasn’t about the op. I’d have thought concern for him not for oneself would have been the first thought.

OK thread police 😄 everyone has the right to start again, no one owes anyone an explanation of why they’re doing so. Not sure why you thought my post was saying anything about the OP 😵‍💫

LonelyInDville · 19/08/2024 18:51

My ex-fiance of 4 years did this to me. It was many, many years ago, but it had a huge negative impact on my life.

A few friends have done this as well, its not as traumatizing but I do wonder what happened and if they are doing well.

Stinksmum · 19/08/2024 19:41

I think it's a horrible thing to do to someone. But it regularly pops up on this board as a solution/action to do to people.

HelenHywater · 19/08/2024 19:46

A very good friend did this to me too - and to another person at the same time. I have no way of getting in touch with her as she changed phone numbers and I only had her work email (and she left her job). No social media at all. It's really upsetting!

There was no argument, no fall out or anything for me, so I think it was more about her than me. Doesn't stop it being upsetting though.

Redglitter · 19/08/2024 19:53

My ex partner did this to me. We were together 12 years. Its a horrible way to treat anyone

EmeraldRoulette · 19/08/2024 20:25

This has happened to me a couple of times and you know how algorithms suggest things to you after you look them up once?

from all the online content being pushed on the subject, it seems like it must be pretty common. Ironically the realisation it wasn’t my fault wasn’t that helpful.

interestingly I recently heard it’s common with people wanting new starts, clean slate etc.

in the case you mention OP, it being literally everyone does seem like he might not be okay but I’m not an expert.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/08/2024 20:29

It sounds like there was something massive going on in his life and he had to cut all ties. Obviously it is upsetting but not personal if he has done the same to his entire social circle.

HauntedbyMagpies · 19/08/2024 20:44

He fancied your child? 😳 Or have I read that wrong?

HauntedbyMagpies · 19/08/2024 20:46

Besides that, are you sure he didn't go missing? Do you know his family at all?

Melonjuice · 19/08/2024 20:48

If it was just you I’d say he had an issue with you, but to do it to others mean something has happened
I had something similar happen where a good family friend ghosted all of us for about three years, turned out He had a complete mental breakdown and was sectioned for a while
never saw it coming

Catandsquirrel · 19/08/2024 20:54

Bit weird that he fancied your husband and son but ignoring that.

I don't think this is a good example and if my friend had cut everyone off I would be more concerned than hurt for myself.

Catandsquirrel · 19/08/2024 20:55

Do you know he's safe and well?

DuesToTheDirt · 19/08/2024 20:59

OP do you know he's actually still alive?

JollyDollyPolly · 19/08/2024 22:56

I’m considering ghosting an old friend- she messages MeMes regularly and the occasional chatty message but she recently got married and didn’t invite me or my family (I’ve known her 27 years). It was a complete surprise when she sent a picture of her and her new husband at their ceremony.
I congratulated her and didn’t mention the fact we hadn’t been invited (it was a small wedding so ok, bit weird not to mention it at all though).
If that was the only thing I wouldn’t be offended but the last four times I have been in her city (about three hours away) I have given her plenty of notice and tried to meet up and every time it hasn’t happened and she’s sent shitty excuses afterwards.
The last time was the last straw for me, and I can’t really be bothered with continuing the friendship. She hates confrontation, so I don’t think she’d appreciate me explaining why I don’t want to be friends anymore.

Omeleto2024 · 20/08/2024 03:17

The cruelty of coercive control where you insist on trying to force people who just want to be free of you to join you in an exit interview against their will.

In this case, it actually sounds like something happened. This isn't ghosting so much as a mystery.

But it was also four years ago, time to move on.

As for the usual complaints about ghosting - another person is exercising their own boundaries. Accept this, you have no other choice. Moaning about it won't change it but it might make you feel worse.

It's perfectly normal to ghost people. Nobody owes you a second of their time or attention and can dump you for any reason at all, or none. It happens to everyone and always has. It's not a new behaviour, it just received a fresh label a few years ago.

And it's just life.

Before mobile phones and the internet it was much easier to avoid people. Nowadays, Class A Clingers have numerous avenues of approach.

I was ghosted a couple of times by friends over the years, once it was quite a painful surprise.

But I'm not an emotionally coercive person and understand everyone has a right to their own boundaries and that I have no right of any kind to demand an explanation from them or way to try to get that short of acting like a deranged stalker.

And so after being ignored for a couple of weeks,I realised that no matter what their reasons, whether fair or unfair, they owed me absolutely nothing and I would be making a completely embarrassing arse of myself by chasing after them. From time to time I still wonder.

Meh, such is life.

You cannot make anyone choose you. You can only choose how you react to that and it is desperately pathetic to cling to a person who has told you they don't want you.

And saying nothing is also saying something.

Ironically, clingers are the ones who are the most likely to be ghosted because that sort of shit is really annoying. Needy people who overstep boundaries are much more likely to be dumped with no explanation to avoid all the quivery pleading, complaints, demands and debate tactics the other person didn't sign up for and isn't interested in.

Nobody owes you an explanation. And you should be glad of that.

I think in their minds many of the ghosted imagine some discussion where they are vindicated, or the other person changes their mind, or it was all some big misunderstanding. Somehow, they will get to come out on top.

The reality is, if they dumped you, for any reason or none, that can't be fixed no matter what and what on earth makes you think it would be easier if they actually told you?

"You're just really needy and annoying and I want rid"? Or "Oh, were we friends, I never really thought of you like that, just a coffee acquaintance" Or "I hate your horrible sense of humour and that awful laugh, you smell bad, I just can't stand the sound of your voice, you're a bit of slapper, I don't trust you" or "Your husband tried to fuck me, your children are super annoying, you are incredibly boring/arrogant/stupid" - or any one of a thousand other reasons someone might dump you without explanation.

There's a better than even chance in any ghosting scenario that you definitely won't feel better for knowing why.

Or maybe the reasons are on their side. Either way, they don't owe you an explanation or an exit interview.

Least said soonest mended.

All of the ghosted must learn to accept that you must move on, and dwelling on it will only make things worse.

Moving on is literally your only option.

Pawsfourtimrstwo · 20/08/2024 03:30

Catandsquirrel · 19/08/2024 20:54

Bit weird that he fancied your husband and son but ignoring that.

I don't think this is a good example and if my friend had cut everyone off I would be more concerned than hurt for myself.

Op wrote “jokingly” after fancying comment! She didn’t mean it literally! She meant this person was charismatic.

Agree with the rest though. I would be worried for this person’s safety unless he has a habit of ghosting others.

Some men do like to come in to people’s lives, monopolise them, and move on to the next. It is about control and usually something they are hiding from their past.

Another pp said it was about boundaries which It may be and that he doesn’t owe you an explanation and that may be the case but it doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s plain rude.