The cruelty of ghosting

[Dinkiedoo]

I had a very good friend. Or so I thought. He was funny charismatic and full of personality. He was welcomed by my family ....fancied my husband and my son...jokingly. we all loved him.
Suddenly 4 years ago he " disappeared " and not just from me. Mutual friends reported same.
I've tried..to no avail..to contact him but he's just ignored everyone.
This still hurts and I miss him every day.
I have accepted that he's moved on .
If anyone thinking of doing this to a person unless you hate them. Please don't. It's cruel

The cruelty of coercive control where you insist on trying to force people who just want to be free of you to join you in an exit interview against their will.

Oh please. What sanctimonious twaddle. Relationships are inherently personal. OP didn't say she wanted to chain him to her kitchen chair - she said it hurts. Fair enough, it hurts. No need to be dismissive of her real life experience of it.

People are frequently cowards, and self absorbed, and shitty - that is a sad fact of life but that in no way means the OPs side of the experience is pathetic and irrelevant.

No it is not cruel, you need to move on you can't blame the other person for that

They have their reasons not to contact you respect that don't stalk them

It's also exceptionally rude to try to force someone to interact with you when they don't want to.

One person's rude is another person's boundaries.

We cannot make people choose us, we can however choose how we react.

Oh please. What sanctimonious twaddle. Choosing not to interact with someone is inherently personal. The ghosted want to force people who want nothing to do with them to interact with them.

That hurts the person who wants to ghost them.

The ghosted are frequently self absorbed, shitty, coercive and controlling.

One person's poor me is another person's boundary.

In the end, the reasons don't matter, choosing to fixate on it won't change anything and moaning about it will make you feel worse.

You can't make someone talk to you who doesn't want to. So just move on. It's literally the only choice.

Who says op was forcing him to interact when he doesn’t want to?

By the sound of it, he arrived on the scene, took full advantage of the friendship of op and her family, and buggered off.

If you don’t want to interact further with someone for whatever reason that’s your right, but why be so precious and cowardly to not write a one line text saying, “I’m so sorry but for family/health/business reasons, I am going to be out of contact for the foreseeable future, best wishes” at least then op wouldn’t be worried and she’d have some sort of closure.

Of course if he is mentally or physically unwell that’s different.

But mainly it’s people who are only thinking of themselves who ghost others.

It's also exceptionally rude to try to force someone to interact with you when they don't want to

Ghosted peoole , cannot try and force someone to interact with them, even if they wanted to, because, by definition, the person has already gone!

None of this is in any way relevant to anything I said.

The fact that you (or anyone) keeps getting ghosted should have you asking what the common denominator is (hint it's you).

So get over it as that's literally the only option and nobody owes you a moment of their time.

And there is nothing more to be said :)

Often they stalk them through texts, emails, social media drop by visits and etc. - borne out by many posts online.

So yep, often the ghosted absolutely often do try to force an interaction. Needy, clingy and a huge red flag.

The personality of the ghosted is usually the reason for the ghosting. Maybe the friend who ghosted me would say the same about me. Don't know, doesn't matter. It's just life.

They just have to move on, moaning about it will only make them feel worse.

Omeleto is right

I disagree and maintain that if you enter in to a friendship with someone - friendship being a relationship that usually indicates mutual trust and respect - you don’t just rudely disappear without explanation.

Unless your definition of friendship is something different?

A friend is someone who you spend time with and like, and when that ceases to be the case for any reason, you have the decency to explain why.

No where has op said she has repeatedly been ghosted - so that is irrelevant actually - it was just this one occasion she has posted about.

Often they stalk them through texts, emails, social media drop by visits and etc. - borne out by many posts online

Er, they wouldn’t have to do that would they if the person who ghosted them hadn’t been a coward and slunk off rudely without explanation.

If you leave a friendship abruptly without explanation then people will naturally be worried for your health and wellbeing. And you are saying that’s their fault? Charming!

I imagine most people would be trying to work out if they had been ghosted or not tbh, or if something else was going on. How are they supposed to know? Only the self-absorbed would inflict that hurt and uncertainty on a former friend.

And it’s one to three texts before people give up nowadays so let’s not exaggerate.

I ended up ghosting an American friend as she was just so full on in my face and never stopped talking about herself and the Lord. Everything was Jesus directed, even buying her new car. I told her I was going through a bad patch and then blocked her. How could I say to her 'I am ending this friendship as you are such a crashing bore'. It is more down to people to take the hint if someone does not return your calls after two attempts or tries to fob you off with weak excuses. Not everyone wants 'best friends forever'.

I can't think of any other way to say this - it simply doesn't matter what you maintain.

People will dump other people for any reason they like. That's their right.

Often they will have excellent reasons, but it doesn't matter whether they do or not.

You can't make someone choose you. You can only choose how you react to being dumped.

None of this matters.

People can and will dump you, me or anyone else for any reason or none.

It doesn't matter how you feel about it and it doesn't matter if there is a good reason or not.

It will keep happening, complaining won't change it and literally the only option is to move on.

Yep. Imagine the exit interview, ugh. I recall having to ghost a friend when I was in my late teens. She was a nightmare, would NOT leave me alone, constantly turning up at my house uninvited. I ended up going to stay the night at another friend's to escape her.

Some people are unhinged, some are just madly over entitled, some are indeed just crashing bores.

Nobody is owed an exit interview and the fact that they think they are is a huge red flag.

I will say it again, people who are so vehemently fixated on other people choosing to ghost them are often ghosted for a reason.

You’ve misunderstood me.

I wasn’t saying that people don’t do it.

I was saying it was extremely rude and cowardly and wrong.

And my opinion is just as valid as yours thank you very much.

If you aren’t brave enough to send a one line text or call someone for two minutes to explain that you are moving on, then you aren’t capable of proper friendship in the first place.

This doesn’t sound like it was ever a proper friendship though.

And you kindly explained that you were going through a bad patch before you blocked her, so that is not quite ghosting in its true form where the person being dumped doesn’t anticipate or know anything about it in advance.

It’s certainly not hard to send a text saying something along the lines of “sorry I don’t see our friendship going any further as our beliefs are so different. Wishing you well, goodbye”.

I know it does happen. I am saying that the behaviour is unkind and wrong.

And as such, people are entitled to complain when it happens to them.

It’s a crap thing to do to someone with whom you have a solid friendship.

And lots of perfectly nice people get ghosted; it’s nonsense to say they are always needy or lacking in boundaries.

People get dumped because of an uneven power dynamic; the person who ghosts them goes off in search of someone of higher status. Or has done something disloyal and can’t face up to it, or they have used someone to gain social credibility and then dumped them when they are surplus to requirements. It happens all of the time. And the reason they ghost is that they can’t or won’t admit to their poor behaviour.

The work colleague ghosting you is very common . It's happened to me so many times usually by ones you don't think would do it . Just move on from them .

He been arrested and gone to prison.
Google his name and see what comes up.

Yes I think sometimes people can have good intentions and then don’t follow through because they are busy with their new job or moving counties or whatever. And then it gets embarrassing because they have left it so long! That’s more understandable than someone who intentionally ghosts.

I’ve done similar. Same as you, one who kept talking about God, one who was just banging on about breast feeding with every post on SM etc and one that ‘ghosted me’ and then wanted to reconnect etc

“User20056 · Yesterday 16:52
Gosh, clearly he has other issues going on OP, I don't know how you call that 'cruel'. It's not personal to you!

Ghosting can be shitty, but your example really isn't. He's not doing it to spite you, he has other things going on mostly likely”

It is painful for you but I agree with this. Someone doesn’t ghost everyone they know unless something's is going badly wrong in their lives. A long time ago, a good friend of mine dropped out of social contact for several years - effectively vanished. He had a nervous breakdown and was sectioned for some of the time and then he was in recovery. Your friend may yet come back but you could reorientate your focus and recognise this is about him not you.

When people have mental health issues - depression or anxiety - they tend to withdraw from friends. Do not blame yourself, I don't think this is ghosting. More likely he is suffering in some way.

@Omeleto2024 I agree with what you are saying. The only times I have ghosted people are when they have become completely overbearing or I have felt they are trying to move things along waaay faster than I am comfortable with. It seems to be very common amongst middle aged men to just latch on and try and do a complete take-over of your life.

I don't know if that is what has happened in this situation though since he seems to have dropped several people within the same friendship circle so I think that it is actually much more about him in this case than OP and her friends.