The cruelty of ghosting

[Dinkiedoo]

I had a very good friend. Or so I thought. He was funny charismatic and full of personality. He was welcomed by my family ....fancied my husband and my son...jokingly. we all loved him.
Suddenly 4 years ago he " disappeared " and not just from me. Mutual friends reported same.
I've tried..to no avail..to contact him but he's just ignored everyone.
This still hurts and I miss him every day.
I have accepted that he's moved on .
If anyone thinking of doing this to a person unless you hate them. Please don't. It's cruel

The lack of empathy here is astounding. Of course it’s painful when a good friends breaks off contact suddenly, never to be heard of again. Friends should be able to trust each other - or are we all just moving through life as nothing more than passing acquaintances who might “dump” each other at the drop of a hat, anytime? I don’t like to think that of my close friends. I feel sorry for you that your friendships must be so devoid of trust and meaning that you feel they could be broken off at any time. “Nobody owes anyone a second of their time” is an incredibly callous way to view the world.

I still don't know how I feel about this issue. On the one hand it can be very hard to be on the receiving end of ghosting behaviour. On the other hand I'm still waiting to hear a positive story of a confrontation or exit interview that was done instead of a ghosting.

My first long term relationship ghosted me. We had been together 2 years and one day he sent a pathetic short email about struggling to cope with his feelings, and disappeared. I never heard from him again.

There is a difference in 'I have genuine concern for this person and hope they are okay' and being a drama vacumm and how they can make it all about them, I don't just mean this thread but there is lots of threads on here like this and yes we can only go by people's writing style in real life they may be different

Doubt the OP’s coming back tbh

Bit of a different story to what I thought I would open. I would classify this as a withdrawal rather ghosting. We had a guy do it to all us in our circle of friends too. We knew him for 6 or 7 years and then he went through a very difficult breakup with a young child involved. We tried our best to support him but after a year or so he just completely withdrew from us all. I always feel he perhaps felt he needed to clear the decks of the emotional trauma he went through with the relationship breakup.

My friend refuses to acknowledge a girl that did similar to us. We all knew she was going through a huge family rift and when I met her one day and we started being in contact again my friend was livid and said we all have shit etc. as someone who only tells people bad stuff after I’ve sorted it in my own mind I can tell you it probably isn’t about any of you, he possibly just was going through a tunnel and his brain was just getting him through life

It's not an "exit interview" but maybe a conversation or message to say the friendship is over. I cannot understand how people can end long and close friendships by leaving the other person confused and hurt, when they could literally say, "I don't want to he friends anymore because of this thing you did/for my own reasons." At least you know and are not put in the humiliating position of being ignored and left unsure as to whether or not you're friends, if they are okay etc. If you've been friends, you deserve a clear goodbye. Unless you are being abused by the person, you shouldn't ghost anyone. It's a shitty thing to do.

And for those saying to just accept it - well it's way easier to accept something when you know it's actually happening. I'm not going to message someone who's told me the friendship is over. But I will likely message someone who's just disappeared without a word.

With respect I think you are looking for the wrong outcome. Of course the friend who you dump is going to be upset.

It’s about not leaving them wondering what happened or what went wrong.

He might have gone in prison. Generally people who go to prison can’t easily communicate with those on the outside (and often are reluctant to due to the shame of being incarcerated)

I can't believe some of the comments to my post ! No he is not a pedophile...my son...my child...is nearly 40.

I was merely pointing out how cruel ghosting is.
It's not about self pity etc etc etc
Just maybe looking for a bit of support...sensible discussion. Thankyou for the caring replies for those who were nice enough.
No need for nastiness. The world is cruel enough. Thank you

You're right OP- ghosting is cruel but its rarely done with that intention.

What it indicates is usually an avoidant attachment style and an emotional immaturity or inability to communicate your needs/feelings effectively like an adult.

So, instead of talking to friends and explaining they just disappear because avoiding it is easier. Of course, it's very painful to the people left behind but if he's done it to lots of people then it's not about you at all is it? its about HIM and how he perceives the world. This will be a pattern he repeats over and over again with his relationships.

You cannot control how he behaves but you can control your reaction to it. Let him go and accept that he has chosen a dysfunctional way of dealing with his friendships and he has every right to do that. You also have a right to be hurt by it and to not allow him to come back in later on if he tries to (which avoidant types often do).

Chin up, and focus on the people in your life who are there for you. You cant fix everyone and often people have to make their own mistakes in order to learn.