Touch and Touch

[chocolatelips]

Sorry long message .
We have a couple who we hang out with alot. My husband has known the man since childhood and they work together.His girlfriend came in the picture in last 2 years .
My husband and I are married.
When I met this couple , I noticed that my husband was very touchy with this lady.
We always hug when we meet but her hugs from my husband are long and he sometimes keeps her locked in his arms and speaks to her face while he is holding her.
I have never questioned this.
This lady and my husband chit chat frequently on social media and on her phone.

The lady recently had her mom unwell needing surgery.
My husband purposefully told me to ensure I messaged her to pass my best wishes.We also went to see her- My husband wrote a card from us that he didnt show to me, picked a bottle of wine and chocolate and we set off to see the lady and her boyfriend.I asked him why he didnt address the card to the couple rather than just the lady and his answer was that , it was the lady going through a difficult time, not her boyfriend (please note they are a couple)

While at their place, we caught up with conversations,at some point the lady was sat next to my husband, they were talking in low tones and the next thing I saw was my husband had stroking the top of her head twice.

Should I be concerned?

I would be concerned. I don't care what the cool cats say; they sound too close for comfort. The lingering hugs, frequent messages, present and touching would set off alarm bells.

@chocolatelips yes he’s too touchy , a little too close in my opinion, there is no need for it … seems like they have an emotional affair going on . Why would he be messaging this woman in the first place .

@chocolatelips he seems to be paying a lot of attention on this woman’s needs and making sure he comes across as very nice a caring man .

I think addressing the card to her is a normal thing to do.

Aside from that, yes he does sound overly touchy feely and familiar with her (I'm assuming since you haven't mentioned it that he isn't generally a touchy feely person with everyone).

Your husband is way, way out of line, and she doesn't seem to mind his inappropriate attention on little bit. As the saying goes, where there's smoke...

@DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace , he is overtly touchy with her.I dont particularly see him touch other women the way he does her. We tend to hang out loads and last time we were hanging out, he touched her thigh while we were all chatting.

Nahhh this is out of order , touch her thigh ? This is quite sensitive area to touch on a woman 😳

@chocolatelips i feel like something more is defenetly going on ? You don’t just be so touchy feely with someone if you not comftable with each other . What does her husband say ? Does he not see any of this ? That his girlfriend is flirting so openly yet so secretly ? Few touches here there , you’d only notice if you suspect something . I do think you should be concerned …

Yes. He put his hand on her thigh. I observed it and didn't bother to talk about it as I imagined it was a touch to do with how you touch a person while having convos. I know I am being silly and stupid but I didn't think anything more.
Strangely , none of his friends ever touches me during convos or even hugs me for as long as he hugs this woman

I tell you there is something fishy going on there between the 2 … how can you guarantee he hasn’t deleted any messages that seemed suspicious ? Anyone who is smart enough not to get caught suspicious would delete texts straight away so not to forget . And just left all the normal chit chat texts so it seems like just innocent catch up ?

Nope. I’d be creeped out if a male friend did this to me even if we were both single. She allows it knowing she’s in a relationship and he’s married? Weird and definitely not ok. They need to be confronted.

I'm quite surprised you didn't say anything to him when you saw how he hugged her and held onto her unnecessarily. It's obviously now becoming normalised behaviour if he is stroking her hair and touching her thigh.

Has her boyfriend noticedthis way they are together? How close they appear?

I really think you should be talking to him about how inappropriate his touching behaviour is and asking him to remember he is a married man in a relationship with you. Perhaps you should think about not socialising with them as frequently.

@Blackeyedcat my husband doesn't delete texts as he thinks I don't touch his phone.

We spoke yesterday.He said he will not apologise for behaviour which he believes is normal.So long as being touchy doesn't mean anything to him, he will probably do it.He also said that he does it without much thought so I shouldn't blame him for doing it obliviously.

He said I should let him know when some behaviour makes me uncomfortable and he will try to change it however being touchy is so natural for him that he sees no big deal in being touchy.
So I then asked him what his limit was?
He said-"I wouldn't sleep with them"

I don't know what to make of this.
Maybe I married the neighbourhood limitless man.

Wow. Yes you should be very concerned.

His response to your conversation was bullshit. He’s not behaving like this to everyone is he? Just one particular attractive woman.

Always trust your gut, it never steers you wrong! I would be really concerned. don't let him gaslight you into thinking your the mad one!

He wouldn't sleep with them?

I think the boundary for stopping touching would be met a long time before that was even an option!

My partner and I hug and kiss people when we meet them but it's all four exchanging hugs and kisses and kisses equally.

I would feel very uncomfortable if one of his friends touched me the way you describe your husband touching this woman. The fact sue doesn't suggests whatever is there is mutual.

They're both taking the piss.

Jeez not sleeping with them is the limit, so that allows for kissing and a whole lotta foreplay. A fine man you have there.
Initially, your best bet is to have a word with his friend, something along the lines of " does it not bother you that my DH likes to lay his hand on your GF's thigh and stroke her hair when talking to her? They DM each other a lot too, good of you to share her like that with your mate"
If he hadn't noticed, I be he'll start noticing everything from then on.

I hear you all thanks!

He is closer with this particular woman.
That said he is still touchy with other women.As I said, this was one party we attended where the woman in question was not there.
So he somehow managed to accomodate his married female friend to sit on his lap and somehow obliviously kissed a 69 year old woman on her lips.

I went ahead and asked him whether it would be okay if I sat on one of my guy friends laps or kiss an older woman -His answer was ''yes thats okay - I would not have any problem with that''.
I pushed it even further and asked him why his own dad didnt touch other women or kiss the lips of older women- and he said he didnt know why.
I told him that we should ask his family or parents what they thought of his behavior - ''His answer was that they would see nothing wrong''

I can't believe I am married to a man who cannot see the problem with touching other women.I must be very unlucky and feel sorry for myself.

Sooner or later he’s going to find himself in a co lot of trouble doing this. He’ll either be reported to HR or punched by someone’s DH or partner.

Time to tell him to get his hands off women.

@chocolatelips oh wow OP , I can see a lot of trouble coming up in this relationship , how can he think that touching other woman is okay other than a quick friendly cuddle ? It really doesn’t matter what he thinks it’s okay touch wise , it matters what the other persons boyfriend/husband thinks when they see your husband touching their girlfriend in an inappropriate way . one day he will be in a lot of trouble doing something what he deemed innocent 🤐

personally myself , if I was ever overly touchy with someone else , it would be massively the fact that I fancy the pants off them . I would never be overly touchy with someone who I didn’t feel sexual attration to .

OP does that mean you can go ahead and do the same to other men ?
what would your husband do if you had a crush on one of your meet up with friends and he gave you a shoulder massage and put his hands down your t shirt and bra ? Would he be like OH such a nice friend 🤣

OP seriously I’m worried for you now about his thinking that it’s okay , I just don’t know if I could ever trust him going out alone , god knows what he’d get up to if you wasn’t there . . Only thing I can think of is that you tell him he is out of order and you’re not happy with this at all and put new boundaries in place ? Tell him that he needs to stop all of this touching if he loves you or you’ll have to decide if you’re better off alone . I just personally couldn’t leave it like this, knowing that he would do anything to any other woman but just not sleep with them .

I can't believe your DH's response when you spoke to him about this.
He has no respect for you at all.
I would end my marriage rather than stay with some one who thought behaving like this with other women was normal.

It's quite disheartening.
We have our wedding celebration in 2 weeks time.

Also, to add salt to injury, the woman formed a whatsapp group since we are all friends to communicate from there.

While she was forming it, she managed to shout out loud to my husband for myself and her boyfriend to hear , that she didn't have my husbands phone number and that they only communicate on Facebook.
This was such a lie as they certainly have been communicating on phone.
So I am now in a what's app group with a woman who I don't trust.
That said, my husband still messages her privately once a week.
Recently both of our men who work together were working somewhere away from home.
She was quick to find them accomodatio. at her sisters who lives near their work place.
When he got there he sent her a picture of the sea and a message that I didn't quite understand the joke in it.
They both laughed.

Seems I cannot quite escape this woman.
Somehow she has been chosen by my husband to co-ordinate the music at our wedding.
Something even her boyfriend has not been chosen to do.
Strangely my husband is so close to this woman than he is of her boyfriend whose they have grown up together.

This is all a nightmare that I want to get out of.
It's killing me slowly

Sorry OP but is it you who posted a couple of other threads recently about the party: his childhood friend sitting on his knee and he said he would do that again with her, and stroking his friend's girlfriends hair? It sounds very like the scenarios you are describing here?

As PP has said you need to speak to him, and i think more firmly this time. You should be telling him how it makes you feel and that it has to stop! Perhaps raise it with her boyfriend. It will continue to eat you up and break you slowly. It’s not worth it. Do you have children? How long have you guys been together?

@chocolatelips this woman is goading you and is in collusion with your husband. It’s very obviously he’s telling her everything you are telling him. I do not know what to suggest except to put as much distance as possible between you H and this “pick me” ow. And issue an ultimatum to your H. I am so sorry this is happening to you.