For context: 26 years together, 17 married.
Such a long post- so thanks in advance if you make it through!
My DH is awesome- we have always had a laugh, get on really well and I am lucky to have someone who loves me.
However, a lack of sex has become such a problem for me. I’ve done lots of soul searching and reflecting, and realised that problems started in my first pregnancy (which was in 2009, ending in miscarriage).
We used to have a regular sex life but didn’t have sex during any pregnancy (2 years into marriage) as he found it weird, and then following a traumatic birth / c-section first time, it took a long time to even think about sex, and parenting took its toll so it just dwindled meaning it was a few years before we did it.
We agreed to try for another child, although if I’m totally honest with myself I knew we had serious issues so perhaps shouldn’t have, but told myself this would solve everything, and I fell pregnant straight away, as in, first time trying, so it was another few years before we had sex again.
In the last 15 years I think we have had sex no more than 20 times.
We have acknowledged that our crap sex life isn’t normal, and tried to sort it out a few times. Last year, I told DH how it was really getting me down and was honest about how I was feeling, and we discussed it at length. He agreed we had to do something, and also agreed that we had both stopped trying to be attractive- we’ve both gained a lot of weight over the years, so said we would give ourselves a year to save our marriage, be nicer to each other, pay more attention to each other and try to be a bit healthier, as well as each work on our own mental health and self esteem.
A year down the line: he admitted he had been depressed (there’s a whole heap of other issues- lack of motivation/drive to do anything, unwillingness to change jobs to make more money (I’m breadwinner, work so much harder yet also am default parent/cleaner/life organiser etc) so he has seen a counsellor which has helped his mood and he has made some changes in his business so more money is coming in.
I have started exercising more, joined a gym, go to classes and feel healthier and have lost a stone (although a recent holiday has meant I’ve gained a bit back); and I’ve been trying to book in date nights etc so we spend time together. He has made zero effort with health and eats so much crap, does no exercise etc.
And everything is lovely- except we just don’t have sex, or even acknowledge it. We recently had a night away in a hotel as we went to a gig, but he refused to shower (his feet stank) and I was so turned off I just went to sleep. He didn’t try to instigate anything- never does. It always has to be me. It’s like he just isn’t bothered.
His sex drive is low, but not non-existent. I know he masturbates in the shower and I know he watches porn on his phone.
He does struggle with low self esteem. He was so upset when I suggested I may not want to stay in a marriage with no sex, and it triggered months of depression, so it’s difficult for me to discuss it with him. He just wants to carry on as if everything is ok, and apart from the lack of sex, it is.
I know he isn’t cheating on me. He really loves me, and I know I’m lucky in that respect. He’s a great dad too.
But I have spent the entirety of my 30s and several years of my 40s wondering ‘is this it? Is this all there is? Am I never going to feel desired, wanted, fancied etc?’ I don’t want to realise, at the age of 60, that I have wasted my best years!
And if I do decide to leave, does that make me a selfish cow? (Not to mention finances- I earnt double his income because he wasn’t motivated to earn more, but it’s not like he was raising the kids- I had to do all that too- but I can’t afford to buy him out of the house or get a mortgage alone, so my kids would hate me for doing it as we would both have to live in crap little houses rather than in our nice house in our nice village)
Am I being an arsehole for wanting more than this?