Should I just put up and shut up to save our marriage?

[TwistedMelon78]

For context: 26 years together, 17 married.
Such a long post- so thanks in advance if you make it through!

My DH is awesome- we have always had a laugh, get on really well and I am lucky to have someone who loves me.
However, a lack of sex has become such a problem for me. I’ve done lots of soul searching and reflecting, and realised that problems started in my first pregnancy (which was in 2009, ending in miscarriage).
We used to have a regular sex life but didn’t have sex during any pregnancy (2 years into marriage) as he found it weird, and then following a traumatic birth / c-section first time, it took a long time to even think about sex, and parenting took its toll so it just dwindled meaning it was a few years before we did it.
We agreed to try for another child, although if I’m totally honest with myself I knew we had serious issues so perhaps shouldn’t have, but told myself this would solve everything, and I fell pregnant straight away, as in, first time trying, so it was another few years before we had sex again.
In the last 15 years I think we have had sex no more than 20 times.

We have acknowledged that our crap sex life isn’t normal, and tried to sort it out a few times. Last year, I told DH how it was really getting me down and was honest about how I was feeling, and we discussed it at length. He agreed we had to do something, and also agreed that we had both stopped trying to be attractive- we’ve both gained a lot of weight over the years, so said we would give ourselves a year to save our marriage, be nicer to each other, pay more attention to each other and try to be a bit healthier, as well as each work on our own mental health and self esteem.

A year down the line: he admitted he had been depressed (there’s a whole heap of other issues- lack of motivation/drive to do anything, unwillingness to change jobs to make more money (I’m breadwinner, work so much harder yet also am default parent/cleaner/life organiser etc) so he has seen a counsellor which has helped his mood and he has made some changes in his business so more money is coming in.
I have started exercising more, joined a gym, go to classes and feel healthier and have lost a stone (although a recent holiday has meant I’ve gained a bit back); and I’ve been trying to book in date nights etc so we spend time together. He has made zero effort with health and eats so much crap, does no exercise etc.

And everything is lovely- except we just don’t have sex, or even acknowledge it. We recently had a night away in a hotel as we went to a gig, but he refused to shower (his feet stank) and I was so turned off I just went to sleep. He didn’t try to instigate anything- never does. It always has to be me. It’s like he just isn’t bothered.

His sex drive is low, but not non-existent. I know he masturbates in the shower and I know he watches porn on his phone.

He does struggle with low self esteem. He was so upset when I suggested I may not want to stay in a marriage with no sex, and it triggered months of depression, so it’s difficult for me to discuss it with him. He just wants to carry on as if everything is ok, and apart from the lack of sex, it is.

I know he isn’t cheating on me. He really loves me, and I know I’m lucky in that respect. He’s a great dad too.

But I have spent the entirety of my 30s and several years of my 40s wondering ‘is this it? Is this all there is? Am I never going to feel desired, wanted, fancied etc?’ I don’t want to realise, at the age of 60, that I have wasted my best years!

And if I do decide to leave, does that make me a selfish cow? (Not to mention finances- I earnt double his income because he wasn’t motivated to earn more, but it’s not like he was raising the kids- I had to do all that too- but I can’t afford to buy him out of the house or get a mortgage alone, so my kids would hate me for doing it as we would both have to live in crap little houses rather than in our nice house in our nice village)

Am I being an arsehole for wanting more than this?

Just to add, in case it’s not clear- I do really love him and when I think of the future, it’s always us together. I’ll be so sad if we split up.
There is also the problem of finances- he has a large inheritance coming which has always been his retirement plan, hence the lack of drive to earn loads. But he will be entitled to some of my pension which is so unfair as it’s not like he was looking after the house and kids whilst I was working.
I feel totally trapped and would appreciate outside opinions on this. X

But I have spent the entirety of my 30s and several years of my 40s wondering ‘is this it? Is this all there is? Am I never going to feel desired, wanted, fancied etc?’ I don’t want to realise, at the age of 60, that I have wasted my best years!

Unfortunately this is it, he won’t change now and you are wasting your best years with him (sorry to be blunt)
Is he affectionate in other ways?
Sorry you’re going through this.

He is affectionate in other ways- we kiss goodnight, when we leave the house etc, and he often thinks of me and buys food I’d like, little treats or tickets to a gig we would both like. He puts lots of thought into birthday and Christmas presents.
I just don’t know if it’s enough 😢

He’d get less of your pension if you split up now rather than in 10 years.

Here’s the thing: it’s not going to get better. There is no magic wand you can wave that will make him want to shag you, earn more money, or take on his share of the domestic chores. And why would he? He has the perfect setup for him, apart from you expressing your unhappiness now and again. He clearly doesn’t care about that either or he would be taking serious steps to rectify it. I think waiting for a family member to die so he can get his hands on their money is a pretty awful way to live his life, because it impacts on the rest of the family and the resources you could have now if he thought to get a job that paid properly. It’s lazy and selfish and calculating.

My ex was similar in many ways, though he did pull his weight and have a job, though our sex life was terrible and we did also conceive twice very quickly. He turned out to be a closeted gay man, and his depression lifted as soon as he came out. I’m not suggesting he is gay, but is there any possible reason for his actions/behaviours?

Regardless, this isn’t working. It’s not going to work the way you want it to, so you have two choices - split up and find the life you want, or stay the way you are and accept this is the way it is.

I think you would regret it massively if you were to split. You will always compare future partners (once you have navigated the world of dating when you are older, which is a whole new hell in itself) to your current DH. Yes, you may get more sex. You might not.

You would lower your standard of living for a few years too, and it’s feasible you’ll sit there remorseful over what you once had.

Could you both see a sex therapist?

Even if he can't do much about the sex he could step up as a huband/ provider/ father..general human being. Is he taking meds for depression? Why not? If he is they may affect his sex drive.
Not showering is a massive turn off but having to nag someone about it is an even bigger one.
And the fact he watches porn is horrible. There is so much he could do to make him a better companion and he is not doing it. You are focused on the sex and that is important but l don't like the sound of him outside that.
Has he seen a psychologist/ psychiatrist about his depression?
Could there be one massive move towards improvements..not talking about sex..but depression/ low motivation/ general no show as a husband. Serious doctor stuff and marriage counselling. No change means he doesn't really care.

I'd advise to only get divorced if you feel you will be happier without him.
You have to think that all the upset and upheaval is worth it, just to be single again.

I think if you are leaving a marriage, then that should be the reason, not for what you might get in the future.

Is he just as invested in getting your sex life back on track? Or is he not fussed when you discuss it ?

If you suggested he stopped pornography and masturbation for 3 months to see if that helped would he be onboard?

This is my next move- I’ve started to look into relationship counselling

He says he is bothered and invested in sorting it but then the actions don’t back that up.
That is a good idea about confronting him regarding the porn, although he will deny it.

This is me before I divorced. I got to the point in my marriage where the first thought on waking every morning was oh God I have to do this again today and go through the motions of being in this shell of a marriage. Every so often we would try to make it better and it didn't work and we both drifted into our old ways of being, During Covid I made a real effort with sex - because we were both at home with no kids - I realise that my effort was not been reciprocated at all. It was then I decided that the marriage was over and I couldn't live as housemates anymore.

Post divorce my life is immeasurably better, however things to bear in mind (I'm sure you have). Financially things will be different. I have a much smaller house and can't rely on anyone to support me. I've always worked for myself and always had my own money but I have less now - materially at any rate. (don't speculate on what your divorce settlement might look like - go and see a lawyer for 30 minutes and have a chat with them and they can outline options with you - then that will give you more certainty about the finances of any split at least.)

I don't know how old your kids are, but you will spend a lot of time alone. It took me some time getting used to, but being alone is different to being lonely. I see more of my friends and I have more connections with people, but at the end of the day I go to bed alone and I am alone in my home. I've had a significant two year relationship since which has been fantastic but we recently split up, so the idea that you'll meet someone who will become your next long-term partner and give you the intimacy you crave it's not certain.

You get to find out who you are and what you really want and that is wonderful. I have so much more time for my hobbies and things that enrich my life. It sounds like you have a lot of that in your marriage and you have shared activities and things you enjoy doing together.

It's a big decision to make and I guess tracking how you really feel in someway over period of time will help you make that decision. It was for me waking up every morning feeling utter dread about the day ahead that pushed me into acting. Looking back the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner and I wasn't brave enough to accept that the marriage was over and we would both be happier separate.

It's a really really tough situation to be in and I'm so sorry, I know what it feels like.

The thig is, he has been given a chance to address the problem but hasn't.
He wont change, this is who he is.

Maybe I’ve portrayed him as a dickhead when he is really not. He can be selfish, thoughtless etc and expect me to cook, do majority housework, but he does also do a lot around the house.
Yes, he has had a course of CBT therapy but no medication.

Watching porn in itself wouldn’t bother me if we had a healthy sex life.

I think marriage counselling is the way forward.

Is he on antidepressants? I ask this as they can be known to reduce sex drive. From what you’ve said, I wouldn’t leave just yet. It sounds like you have a nice relationship about from the sex. If that’s right then I would see a sex therapist. I’ve never seen one myself but I would if that could potentially save an otherwise good relationship x

I know you say he's awesome, but is he? You're the breadwinner, you do most of the housework, he's depressed and you have no sex life. But you both have a laugh? You can have a laugh with anyone. Perhaps you need counselling, it sounds like you both have made an effort or are at least trying, maybe you need some outside help

Your husband is putting sex with his hand and porn on the Internet above you. To be clear, he would rather wank to strangers shaking on video than go to the edit of saving his marriage.

If this was me in your shoes I'd be saying a blanket ban on porn on every single device in the house. If things don't improve within 12 weeks then it's curtains for the relationship. You DO deserve the chance to find a relationship that fully makes you feel fulfilled and like an equal partner instead of a cash cow for a sad shower wanker.

Thank you for this. I am worried I will throw away everything that is good, cause a load of unnecessary upheaval for my children (one who is awaiting autism diagnosis so struggles with change anyway), and find myself in a tiny house in a crap area, miserable and alone, all for the sake of sex, which feels incredibly selfish.

No solutions but you are not alone. Relationship counselling might or might not make a difference . I personally wouldn't split based on what you have described. You are standing to lose too much in exchange of a promise of good sex. When in a few short years you sex drive is likely to significantly decline once your menopause kicks in. I actually think your husband's issue is low self esteem. If you like reading i would recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. Cheaper than counselling

Similar situation here, but it's more that she just doesn't want to initiate sex, forcing me to always initiate makes it so much more like a chore these days, to the point that I'm almost glad that our adult kids are still living at home, because if sex was to happen, kids have to be asleep, or out of the house.

And yes i have spoken to her about it, said how i feel it's becoming a chore and it turns me off knowing i have to initiate all the time, she said she understands and will try harder next time, and that she enjoys sex, but nothing changes.
Obviously she just doesn't have that desire or the want.

When I do decide to initiate, she doesn't refuse, but doesn't really do much, i do everything, concentrating all my efforts on her, making sure she enjoys herself, the last couple of times I've not been able to finish, and she just says 'ah well, maybe next time'.

I feel frustrated, but over the years im beginning to think that this is how things are, and i hate saying this but i get more pleasure pleasing myself than to have sex.

This was me in my last relationship @TwistedMelon78 . I loved my ex and we had a great relationship but, like you, just no intimacy. We had sex / relationship counselling for a few months. It (kind of) helped for a period of time but then just went back to non-existent until eventually I left (probably about 5 years too late).

Assuming we're a similar age (?!) I would say get out now before you waste any more of your best years.

FWIW I am with someone now who I am massively in love with, we're best friends AND we have an amazing sex life. You can have it all OP!!!

Good luck ❤

I don't know what to say, OP.
Obviously many different people on this forum.
If I was you, I wouldn't leave, but this is about yourself and sex being important to you.
Guess you have to decide what you want more, decent marriage or the "pleasure".
Just from my point of view - I loathed sex since teenage years, married a very decent man three decades older (for this reason), no kids and at 46 couldn't be happier. Married for 20 years.
It's about what you want most!

I just want to say that I honestly don't know why these posts always start with "My DH is awesome.." He might have been when you first met, maybe that's what you're hanging on to? Some long distant memories. I think that's what we all hang on for, really. (Imagining it will be forever)

I think it's also probably a woman's way of feeling guilty that they are then going to complain / state some negative points about their husband. My friend does it all the time. He's lovely, but... He's no bother really, but... Honestly you are obviously unhappy.

You've just described how there have been problems all through your marriage. You're the main breadwinner, you do all the life admin (parenting, wife work; natch) he sounds lazy, couldn't be arsed to wash his smelly feet even. That's apart from the lack of sex and intimacy.

Three other things that I'd like to point out:

No, you aren't an "arsehole" for wanting more.

No, you aren't a "selfish cow" for potentially ditching him.

No, you aren't "lucky to be loved" You sound fucking awesome and deserve better than feeling grateful for someone's 'love, but with little or no support, who doesn't seem to take any responsibility and is probably responsible for you viewing yourself badly here'

Honestly, leave..Good grief, you've tried.

For what it's worth, I've never been happier since I got out of my marriage. It was just one long series of one way compromises.

Head held high, and no more guilt or negative language about yourself. Start putting yourself first. Get some proper advice on the finances.

“RainbowZebraWarrior · Today 09:33
I just want to say that I honestly don't know why these posts always start with "My DH is awesome.." He might have been when you first met, maybe that's what you're hanging on to? Some long distant memories. I think that's what we all hang on for, really. (Imagining it will be forever)

I think it's also probably a woman's way of feeling guilty that they are then going to complain / state some negative points about their husband. My friend does it all the time. He's lovely, but... He's no bother really, but... Honestly you are obviously unhappy.

You've just described how there have been problems all through your marriage. You're the main breadwinner, you do all the life admin (parenting, wife work; natch) he sounds lazy, couldn't be arsed to wash his smelly feet even. That's apart from the lack of sex and intimacy.

Three other things that I'd like to point out:

No, you aren't an "arsehole" for wanting more.

No, you aren't a "selfish cow" for potentially ditching him.

No, you aren't "lucky to be loved" You sound fucking awesome and deserve better than feeling grateful for someone's 'love, but with little or no support, who doesn't seem to take any responsibility and is probably responsible for you viewing yourself badly here'”

This with bells on. I’ve been surprised by how many posters have just focussed on the point about sex. Sounds like he doesn’t really pull his weight in any part of the relationship. And you know he wanks and watches porn so he has a libido; he just can’t be arsed with partnered sex.

I don’t know him (or you) but I think his low self-esteem stems from his laziness. I can’t help thinking that he might start to feel better about himself if he made more effort. Maybe I’m projecting but I know I feel better about myself when I’ve made a proper effort with the day and worse when I’ve just drifted aimlessly about. And IME action tends to precede motivation. And exercise and activity are recognised treatments for depression (though he might also need therapy and medication). I just think his aimlessness is increasing how bad he feels. He will need to make the effort before he really feels like he can be bothered but over time as he gets the boost from his activity, he will feel more motivated.

I'd say leave. It's unsustainable. You can't build a life with rocky foundations.