He won’t tell me the women’s name

[Kianafrankie]

So me and my partner have been together 5 years now we have a son together he is 4 anyway to cut the point we had a few drinks and it lead to a deep conversation were I said you’d never be disloyal to me would you and he replied with ‘if I was unloyal I’d of f**ked the girl that messaged me early hours in the morning to go and meet her’ now this threw me back and I questioned what he meant who the girl was why I didn’t know about this like WTF he then told me I knew who she was and he wasn’t telling me who it was so obviously I carried on asking is disbelief that he’d even said this let alone kept it from me I’ve asked him multiple times for the truth as I see it so disrespectful that one I KNOW this women and two he’s hid this from me he said it was last year and he’s now left the house and said he wasn’t going to tell me who it was as there would be no point to it but it’s just playing round my head to think who this girl is and why he’s so protective of her and why the hell she would feel comftable messaging my partner like that when I clearly know who she is what do I do???

No women messages and says fuk me. Well maybe they do. But I reckon he was flirting with her and then she said it.
He's choosing her over you by not telling her. He sounds like a dick. Trust is gone as you will never be his top priority. That is himself and protecting him.

Goad him back by saying "I don't believe you, no woman would text you that haha!" And if it's true he will end up spilling the beans because of his ego!

Yeah and he failed

This is spot on!

Whether it’s true or not he will be loving the fact that he has you dancing around like this.

stop distracting yourself by trying to find out. the question is what are you going to do about it? Stay with him? If you do can you trust him ever again? Or kick him to the kerb?

whether it’s true or not he sounds like an arse. I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who behaves like an arse in this way

If he didn't want to have a conversation about it or tell you who it is then he shouldn't have even brought it up. He did it deliberately to make you feel jealous and insecure - or he's feeling guilty about shagging her so it slipped out, but obviously he's not going to actually confess.

Either way your relationship is screwed now because he is being cruel and won't be honest. And he shouldn't have even been secretly messaging a woman even if nothing happened. The trust is gone now, and it won't come back. If you don't leave now, I reckon you will eventually but you'll have just suffered through a few more years of mistrust and heartache before finally doing it. Best to rip off the bandaid and do it now.

I'm sorry, it sucks. I've been there.

Call his bluff. Let’s call her “Vera”
Tell him. Ive found out all about you and Vera. She admitted everything to me.
He will either admit it or tell you who it is to clear poor Vera’s name.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Please STOP trying to figure out who it is, or whether it's true, or what he's up to.
It doesn't matter
Instead try to have a bit of time to have a real think to yourself about the kind of person you want as a partner
The person who you love
And the person who loves you
Because OP, that person wouldn't be doing this to you
They Just Wouldn't
This is the start of it OP
It gets worse from here
Good luck x

What a charmer.

Do you really want to be with someone who is so utterly disrespectful and abusive to you.

I read it another way.

It was soneone like "that women at the pub who was over friendly one time"

So you'd know WHO he meant as you'd recall the situation but he won't give you her name as you could then look her up on Facebook /contact her. Ie you don't currently actuality know her full name.

That was my reading of one possible meaning of what he is saying.

If there wasn’t a 4yo in the picture I’d assume this is a big enough flag to move on.

with the 4yo, sorry, you have some big decisions to make. At the least therapy to try and rebuild some trust and lay it all out. But if he isn’t willing to take responsibility or talk about it, it’s hard!

best of luck.

It is honestly staggering how stupid his comment was. What was he trying to achieve?? Either it happened and he wasn't honest with you nor is being honest with you by giving you a name. Or he's making it up to be Jonny big balls. Either way, it's really unattractive and a massive turn off. I'd leave.

Can we distinguish between woman and women in posts please? I know this isn't Pedant's Corner but it's confusing me as to whether this idiotic man is going on about one woman or several women.

He's horrible, forget about the other women... Who cares about her... He's disgusting and doesn't really like you very much by the sounds of it. Find your self esteem and extract yourself from this grotty horrible man.

It’s hard to know what to make of this. What kind of idiot who had actually had an affair would say anything about the woman texting and wanting to to sleep with him? I mean I know he was drunk, but still, to come so close to revealing all?
In the absence of any other suspicious behaviour, which im assuming you would have mentioned if there was, my thoughts on this are that someone close in your circle fancies him or fancied him, has sent a drunken text and perhaps later has begged him not to say anything. Someone really close like a sister, female relative or close friend. But then again, the comment about not saying even if it means the end of the relationship? Yeah, telling might destroy you, but worse than the relationship being over?
He might be lying, which is really cruel and immature and narcissistic. But then wouldn’t he just eventually admit lying rather than have the relationship end over not giving you a name?

I think it might be ultimatum time. Either tell me who it was or I’m ending it. And mean it. The relationship is probably over anyway because of the lack of trust that will now set in.

FGS people. Woman= one female. Women=multiple females or females in general

I think it depends on what your relationship is like normally. It was a dick move on his part to say what he said and he probably acknowledges that now. No doubt if he told you who it was the shit would hit the fan - you still wouldn't be able to let it go and other people would be dragged into the sorry mess. Only you know whether it's the proverbial hill to die on. You let it go and move on or you don't- your choice.

That would be enough for me. He's playing stupid mind games, and I've more self respect that to join in and pat the ball back to him.

I'd be ending the relationship and he can fuck off and do whatever he likes with whoever he likes. He needs to grow up a long way before he'll be capable of an adult, respectful relationship with someone.

I could not be doing with his shit.

Fuck that op. He's playing serious games with your head, don't let him model this shit to your son. Kick him out. He can go and be with this girl then can't he.

It’s all very unhealthy and immature
You both get drunk and have a deep talk about the relationship and the conversation is about being loyal - why? After 5 years why did this come up?
From then it’s games he either slipped up and said what he shouldn’t or he said it as he either feels insecure about not getting attention from other women or is and wants to prove he still can! Very immature behaviour and then holding it over you
My take is this - You can’t change his shi**y behaviour but you can change how you react to it
You have choices
let it eat you alive and him hold it over you
choose to tell him he’s a knob and if he did cheat to walk out the door
believe he’s immature and look at why he said such a stupid thing?
let it go
Think it over then talk to him

Have you got any friends or family that flirt with him. Or made comments that he's fit or anything. It's either someone close to you or a colleague of his. Cruel either way.

As a guy, from what he's said, he's telling the truth.

A girl messaged him (for whatever reason), the opportunity or the suggestion of sex came up, and he turned it down.

He's telling you that if he wanted to cheat, he could have.

You're safe, drop it, and move on.

It's not nice what he said, but it's on par with a line I've heard from girls in the past. "I could have anyone, and I have guys who fancy me."
Both are shameful things to say in relationships.

Honestly OP, your man sounds as thick as the wall and dodgy with it. If you're going to raise a family with a man, he needs to be better than this, or you and your son are going to be very short changed. A man who is you partner and father to your child should be decent and responsible. That means not ever being in a position of receiving crude middle of the night texts from randoms in the first place, whether he acts on it or not. It means not getting drunk and telling you about it then playing silly mind games. Normal mature decent guys don't do this stuff. They really don't. Your life with this one is going to be so much less than it could be with a better, smarter, more decent one, or if you went it alone.

With his comment that he wouldn’t tell you even if you left him, he’s protecting someone. Do you have a mum, sister or best friend? I’d say chances are very high it’s one of them. If he doesn’t tell you I would give him an ultimatum and then “leave” as he’s hidden it now for a long time which suggests he’s good at hiding things.

Im gonna start with he is a complete ass hole but i don’t think he has cheated on you or had this active a request to sleep with a woman.

i think your “deep conversation” probably came across as a nag and he thought that he would teach you a lesson.

sadly this will be incredibly hard for you both to forgive each other for, good luck