He won’t tell me the women’s name

[Kianafrankie]

So me and my partner have been together 5 years now we have a son together he is 4 anyway to cut the point we had a few drinks and it lead to a deep conversation were I said you’d never be disloyal to me would you and he replied with ‘if I was unloyal I’d of f**ked the girl that messaged me early hours in the morning to go and meet her’ now this threw me back and I questioned what he meant who the girl was why I didn’t know about this like WTF he then told me I knew who she was and he wasn’t telling me who it was so obviously I carried on asking is disbelief that he’d even said this let alone kept it from me I’ve asked him multiple times for the truth as I see it so disrespectful that one I KNOW this women and two he’s hid this from me he said it was last year and he’s now left the house and said he wasn’t going to tell me who it was as there would be no point to it but it’s just playing round my head to think who this girl is and why he’s so protective of her and why the hell she would feel comftable messaging my partner like that when I clearly know who she is what do I do???

Just a typical narcissistic twat saying stuff that he knows will hurt you but in a back handed way to make it sound like he was being loyal.

I would say, judging by the amount of men I’ve come across on OLD that he will have been the one messaging her in the early hours of the morning to ask her for a fuck. I can’t imagine a woman would message an and say that.

The best way to shut him down is to say “Ok if you want to fuck her I’ll leave you to her”, then pack your things and leave! If you keep asking him who she is he will take pleasure in withholding the information just to see you sweat. Don’t give him that power. Just leave, he’s not a good man.

If you know who she is why do you keep asking him? More important is what you do next. Do you still trust him?

OP doesn't know who she is. OP is saying that he is saying that the OW is someone who is known to the OP but not divulging who

@blackcherryconserve I think you've misunderstood. Her DH is saying that the woman is someone she knows.
She doesn't actually know which person it is though, just that it's someone in her life.

Yuk. Get rid ASAP.

Ok thanks. In which case I'll go with pp and OP should get rid of him!

I don't think it matters why he said it, if the girl exists or not or anything really. The fact that he'd say it at all, and is now prioritising either the identity of another woman OR maintaining his stupid lie over your entire relationship speaks volumes about how little he respects you.

I couldn't be with someone who is either this cruel or this stupid, personally.

He sounds absolutely awful.
A real creep.
You deserve better.

Call his bluff. Tell him to leave. And mean it.

Do you and this current boyfriend live together? You need an STI screen and to protect your own sexual health from him. He's either fucking someone else or is playing a cruel joke.

He’s playing mind games. There are two possibilities here:

It’s true, he knows who she was but he’s refusing to be honest and tell you who so that you feel anxious and insecure and so that he feels some control over you.

It’s a lie, he made it up to make you feel anxious and insecure and is refusing to come clean and admit it’s a lie so that he feels some control over you.

Either way, he’s not being honest with you, he’s not acting as a loving partner, he’s playing mind games and wants you to feel anxious and insecure. I would take him up on his offer to leave!

My opionion is it's not true, but said in a drunken moment to big himself up, you've latched onto it, but he can't back down now, as he'd look a right idiot.

I would stop asking now, as all he's doing is digging himself into a bigger hole, but I think you should talk to him about separating to see if that makes him see sense. Of course it could be true, but the same applies. He doesn't have your back and he will let you down again and again in the future.

This was also the first thing that crossed my mind. My ex partner was very mentally abusive and manipulative (I couldn't see that at the time of course) and he once spent a whole day convincing me that he had slept with a girl who lived nearby. At the end of the day when I was an emotional wreck, and he laughed it off and admitted it wasn't true and he was just saying it to hurt me. This relationship turned physically violent once I fell pregnant and having my little one finally gave me the push I needed to leave.

That isn't to say that your situation is the same as this but just wanted to confirm that there are definitely people out there who will lie about things like this to play mind games and it isn't always easy to see it yourself when you're in the situation.

You've been together 5 years. You have a child. It was a year ago and he says nothing happened. He says ypu know the woman. Drop it. It will only cause trouble if you keep picking at this one.

I agree. Whether there was another woman texting him or not, he's not looking like a loving, loyal partner either way.
I wouldn't be able to trust him.

Forget it. He won't tell you. He should have never said you knew her, or said it at all. I would question why out of the blue, a woman would proposition him in this way though.

It sounds fishy.

Just ignore him, unless this is the kind of thing he often does.

Is he a good partner overall.

Completely agree. Find it hard to believe she's messaged that out the blue off her own back. He's either slept with her or been messaging her and he's told you for what reason? Probably to hurt you. Doesn't matter who it is. Hes a dick, leave him

None of my friends would have known my husband's phone number.

OK few things here even with alcohol intake. Has there been any reason that prompted you to ask in the first place? Second, he has single handedly just caused insecurity that will now be very difficult to overcome.

Whatever happened even if supposed innocent flirting, he is totally disrespecting you by protecting her identity and it sounds like this is because it would blow up a whole can of worms if she also has a partner and mutual friends. Time for some detective work looking at your social circle, narrow down anyone who comments and likes his social media, look at who pays attention. Note all friends

If this really has shifted your relationship and is causing you a lot of anxiety I would call his bluff. Go quiet for a few weeks then drop in "I know who it was who messaged you, it is probably better for you to block her before I open a whole can of worms" and put some heat back on him and her. See if anyone is struck off that list.

I'd need to know or the relationship would be off.

It was an unpleasant comment from him, but it sounds like you were testing him

This is a shit excuse for a relationship, isn't it.

Four possible options:

They don't exist, he made it all up to mess with your head ... and he's enjoying the controlling result and your distress.

He IS being chased, encourages it, and although he has no intention of doing anything, is very pleased with himself and wants you walking on eggshells trying to please him cos he's still got it - and all the power in the relationship.

He has done it already, regrets it and is frantically trying to wipe over the traces of what he let slip while pissed.

He has done it already, has feelings for her and is prioritising and protecting her from you.

You know him, OP - which is most likely?

One of my DH friends kept messaging me asking to play an online game , I kept saying that I would rather stick pins in my eyes told my DH he didn't seem worried, then one evening he messaged out of the blue asking to meet at a hotel in a nearby town , I told my DH he didn't seem bothered which bothered me more.

Then I had to go on a group holiday with him, his wife and kids and he begged both of us not to tell her.

I couldn't tell her, it was way to late plus we weren't friends..

They ended up moving away and he was sleeping with the new neighbour when I was told, I really regretted keeping quiet as she idolises him.

It's a cruel world we live in.

Their are women out their that will randomly message unavailable men out of the blue I believe just as their are men that do the same.

But if you can, check his messages.

You have cause for concern why waste time , he is withholding information that you need to settle your mind.

There are so many unknowns and what ifs here about who /if it was but the one thing that matters is he could put you out of all that misery but is choosing not to. In choosing to not be transparent with you he is showing you who he is. Believe his actions. Make your decision about how you want to move forward.

OP you do not need to know her name, it really makes no difference,What you do need to do is get rid of him and find yourself some peace.

What a knob. Whether anything has happened or not, this is manipulation and fuckwittage at the very least. Please don't accept this shit and please don't show your child (there's no way this guy is always lovely to you in front of your dc if this is how he behaves in private) that this is how relationships are.

Oh, and whether you love him or not is irrelevant, I'm afraid. I stayed way too long because of love. It wasn't enough without basic respect and communication and I'm embarrassed how long it took me to learn that.