He won’t tell me the women’s name

[Kianafrankie]

So me and my partner have been together 5 years now we have a son together he is 4 anyway to cut the point we had a few drinks and it lead to a deep conversation were I said you’d never be disloyal to me would you and he replied with ‘if I was unloyal I’d of f**ked the girl that messaged me early hours in the morning to go and meet her’ now this threw me back and I questioned what he meant who the girl was why I didn’t know about this like WTF he then told me I knew who she was and he wasn’t telling me who it was so obviously I carried on asking is disbelief that he’d even said this let alone kept it from me I’ve asked him multiple times for the truth as I see it so disrespectful that one I KNOW this women and two he’s hid this from me he said it was last year and he’s now left the house and said he wasn’t going to tell me who it was as there would be no point to it but it’s just playing round my head to think who this girl is and why he’s so protective of her and why the hell she would feel comftable messaging my partner like that when I clearly know who she is what do I do???

He sounds like a narcissist

Well he's said doesn't matter how many times I ask even if it results in us ending he will not tell me who it is my head is just doing overtime

@Kianafrankie, he is a nasty piece of work who gets a kick out of goading and unsettling you. He couldn’t care less about your feelings or peace of mind. What a shit father he is to intentionally upset his little boy’s mother and cause her untold stress.

I agree that he and this OW had already been flirting for her to assume he would entertain her middle of the night invitation.

I wouldn’t stay with a such a cruel, smug pig. It would be game over for me, @Kianafrankie.

He isn't making sense. IF it happened, I could maybe see him not wanting to tell you if it's someone you have to interact with - a neighbour, coworker, family member - and he wanted to spare you the awkwardness or drama. But in that case, why tell you it even happened? Especially after keeping quiet for a year?

Well he's said doesn't matter how many times I ask even if it results in us ending he will not tell me who it is... This is awful of him. Does he value this person's privacy more than his relationship with you and the family unit with you and your son? Who could be that important to him? And why doesn't he trust YOU to handle knowing the information and to keep it private if there's a good reason, just as he has done up until now?

Generally, I'd say a woman wouldn't message someone else's bf for a meet up unless there had been some interaction and flirting beforehand. It's too random. Even if she was drunk she would surely only message someone who she thought might be up for it.

If there is indeed a woman, then my guess is he's flirted with her in some way.

If there isn't a woman, then why the hell is he playing this mind game with you?

Whatever the situation, I can't fathom what he thought he'd achieve by telling you this now.

Only you can decide if your relationship is strong enough to get past this OP. For me he'd have to be a fucking brilliant person/dad in all other aspects of the relationship to want to continue with him.

Are you sure he didn't tell you this in a drunken attempt to show how true he is to you? As in "If I was going to be disloyal, I could have - I've had offers, you know!"

A bit dumb, but I'm not as convinced as PPs that he's let slip about an affair.

A woman would be very unlikely to just message him for a shag ... unless they were in a relationship OR it's someone he knows well, doing it either as a joke or because she was off her face.

He's said it's someone you both know. And he's probably refusing to say who because you're close to her, and it could destroy your relationship with her.

Obviously I hope it's something more like this than that he's got something going on with your sister or best friend!

This is harsh but work on your self respect and stop being a doormat

Why in earth do you want him? Being without a man is possible

He has no reason to defend another women over me no matter who it is I should know about her just out of respect

He's probably protecting you It's probably your mum, best mate sister etc

You all wan't to grow up and get a life. it is a throwaway comment, so just park it!

I'd bet noone text him.

Equally cruel.

Tell him that if " a half truth and protecting her "is more important than the relationship he has with you , it's clear where his loyalties lie.
He has hurt you, not been completely honest and you'd like him to leave.

Remember he is your childs father and so will need to pay child maintenance until you child leaves college.

Tell him you are sad that the relationship is over, but the trust is gone.

Ask him for his keys.

Ring your landlord/utilities and remove his name.
If you are on low income and need support register for Universal Credit.

Single is less lonely. Trust me.
Dont you bother doing the detective work. Leave the past where it belongs and use your energies moving forwards.

You will never know if he did or didnt. You dont need to know who. If there was nothing in it he would have told you at the time " wTF..just got this from Sarah. Told her I'm with you, and I've blocked her"

Men are stupid and have egos. But if he's not doing enough to reassure you after dropping the bomb, he's not for you.

He may well be a better father than partner. Ensure your child sees him and doesnt hear negativity about him. From someone who works with children, he's 4. He will still love the both of you and love staying with daddy. His daddy still loves him. That's all he needs to know.

'A woman you know asked me to have sex with her, but I absolutely will not tell you who she is, even if that means our relationship is over' - hardly a throwaway comment.

I think it's over. How will you trust him if he can't be honest with you?

What would you do if he does tell you who it was? Would you confront her? If you knew who it was, and he still denies actually being with her, could you just carry on in your relationship as normal? Would you believe him then, or still be suspicious? Would you ever trust him again? You need to ask yourself these questions...... and then consider from there how to move forward.

I see so many people writing "women" when they clearly mean "woman" and I don't understand it? Why does it happen? It's not a typo as the e and an event next to each other!

Whether she exists or not, his response and behaviour following it is really screwed up.
Also if you're questioning his loyalty it's not a great sign for your relationship either. Maybe this is the sign you need.

When they show a stronger protective instinct for another women than they do for you, it's over, sorry.

Don't think he is protective of her. But if its someone you know, I would mention (on a girls night out) that you and your DP were having a laugh about a women who texted him. Laugh and say think she thought he would go running to her but he told me and said he could never cheat on me. Turn it into a joke. If it is someone you know then it will get around pretty quick. He trusted you and told you something he has treated as a joke. Trust him back. Don't let it destroy your relationship. You have a DC together your family should be your focus. Not some sad women.

I don't think anyone text him. He won't say her name as she doesn't exist. He was pissed you questioned his loyalty and was deliberately being cruel.

I think it doesn't matter if he did or didn't, he's being nasty argumentative and immature. I imagine not for the first time. Get rid.

He might have made it all up but equally get rid

Not a chance he doesn't sound that nice or self sacrificing

No woman randomly messages a man asking for sex.
There will have either been a flirty conversation leading up to it or they've been physical before.
I wouldn't bother wasting your breath on it anymore, I'd just leave.
If he is shagging her, you'll find out who it is as they'll probably end up having a brief relationship.

So many different thoughts on what may or may not have happened. He is the only one who knows. Does he also know or care about what you are now going through? He is either too shallow or uncaring to be in a committed relationship. I'd be surprised if this doesn't continue to eat away at you and the resentment you will feel for him will be really hard to suffer.
Those saying 'get over it' are not in your shoes with your thoughts and feelings and are also.possibly as shallow/uncaring as he is.
I really feel for you and hope you find the inner strength to deal with whatever action you decide to take xx

A) He's a nasty wanker and winding you up to head fuck you.

B) He's been trifling so much so that a woman thinks he's up for sex.

C) He' been fucking someone else and loose lipped because he'd been drinking.

Either way I'd get an STD test and leave him. Whatever the weather he has no loyalty to you.