Husband cheated now suicidal

[IslaMai]

I caught my husband cheat with 6 other friends. They all went to a prostitute and asked how many girls they have she replied 3. Some of these men are related through blood to my OH. I gathered all my evidence and confronted him, he has been lying about that night from the first instance. Now that I have evidence when I confronted him and said I wanted a divorce things went out of control and he hit me next to his own parents.

i do not want anything to do with him. We have two beautiful daughters one 9 the other 3… instead of being apologetic or anything he is using the suicide card on me. His mental health isn’t well and his having dark thoughts etc etc etc

The issue here is I lost two family members from suicide and I know it can’t be taken for joke, I’m so scared to even tell him how I feel I’m so terrified to file a divorce just incase he does do something to himself. He is saying he feels so embarrassed and cannot go in public or look at anyone’s face he regrets everything and that’s why he is suicidal.

However I do know myself and I cannot live with a person who cheated and hit me. I’m so stuck, iv told his sister about this and she said it’s because of me he feels this way, and that I should have just sucked it up and never mentioned anything about cheating. Apparently him laying his hands on me is also my fault because apparently iv pushed him to do it. she said if he does anything it’s on you.

im trying to reach out to his family to get him some professional help but all they do is blame me and say it’s my own fault his in this state.

While I agree, Im not sure its helpful now given she is out of her mind with worry.

There’s no point debating whether someone who threatens suicide will go through with it. As it’s an overwhelmingly common tactic of controlling manipulative abusers who have lost that control, it’s very likely in this instance that it is an empty threat. If it’s not an empty threat, it will not be her fault if his despicable actions and the shame he now feels leads to him actually taking his own life. It will be very upsetting, but in no way her responsibility for not remaining stoic in the face of his emotional, and physical abuse, and cheating. Bad paths can lead to other bad paths. In this case he is desperately fighting for control, and is using this as a way to get her back into line. He had no sorrow for his actions towards her, he is just shocked that she “rebelled”. Her actions will not impact him if he seriously wants to take his own life, but they will impact her if she gives in to his manipulation. This isn’t the place to debate whether people who threaten suicide are actually going to do it, as that is not the topic, the topic is his abuse of her, and what she will do moving forward. He is a very selfish and cold individual who has elevated his own pleasure at the expense of her extreme pain, if he genuinely feels suicidal it’s to do with the shame of being found out and people talking, not the shame of what he did to his wife. She needs to think of herself and the children, not what this man baby is using to manipulate her back to him, he is a vulgar animal of a man, and his family are enablers. I lived through this myself. Imagine your husband going to another country and marrying a 20 year old, and your own father shaking their hand to congratulate them while you mentally break down. One of many stories. Families like this put the men first, none of them are thinking of her well being, let’s not join them by prioritising this pathetic excuse for a man’s well-being over hers when he is likely just manipulating and blame shifting.

They obviously have a family culture of accepting and tolerating this kind of shit. I wouldn’t believe the suicidal threats either. That’s manipulative bullshit. Just get on with the legal stuff, get rid and call the police for a welfare threat every time he pulls that stunt. Bet that stops real fast.

Do not let your daughters grow up conditioned to accept, condone and expect these behaviours

Someone who truly wants to commit suicide would not be telling you about it they would just go and do it! He’s manipulating you. And it isn’t your responsibility look after his mental health after he’s damaged yours.

In fairness I don't think the people who say that on these threads would think the same about a family/friend/acquaintance and fall back asleep.

They are recognizing the context here, which is that this is an abusive man.
A friend or acquaintance confiding suicidal thoughts is generally looking for support or help, they're not blaming the person they phone or implying that if they don't get their own way (to the other persons detriment) that they are going to kill themselves.

Anyone who has ever been in that situation will know that there is still a huge fear there even if others say 'they won't do it' so it's not like people just dismiss the tiny threat instantly just because people say that they're lying.

I think it's EXTREMELY important in these cases that there are an echo of voices which state that abusive people tend to say this as an empty threat because that balance NEEDS to be there to protect the one who is having those heavy threats put on them. I wish teenage me had been told that, might have saved me from a decade of hearing the threats and the deep psychological manipulation I went through.

Put his sister right that actually its all on him. He's the one who cheated and slept with a prostitute. He's the one who assaulted you when you rightly decided not to put up with his betrayal. It's no good her victim blaming you now that he's using emotional manipulation to try and get you to stay.

Be a good role model to your DC and leave his sorry arse. Don't allow your previous experiences to hold you back. He no doubt knows about the previous suicides you've experienced and is using that to try and control you. If he threatens suicide whilst you're away from him then just contact the police for a welfare check. He needs to take responsibility for all he's done.

Whatever he does OP, this is NOT on you for asserting boundaries. Remember that.

He's trying to turn it around to make you feel sorry for him and in some way to blame. He may or may not commit suicide, it's his call. You are not responsible and I think he will continue to manipulate you as long as you stay with him.

Go ahead with divorce.

You cannot be held to ransom by his threats of suicide.

Yes, I do recognise the context and if you read my posts on the thread I have clearly told the OP it isn’t her responsibility to prevent his suicide. An old school friend of mine had visited in his words “a brothel” twice and said he’d only gone there twice with his friends and not had sex but his wife wouldn’t believe him. He got short shrift from me. I told him I didn’t believe him, no one in their right mind would believe him and his wife was right not to believe him because he had Googled the location of the premises, driven there, paid for services (his wife found this out on his phone) and they were all his choices. We don’t have any contact now. I don’t know if his wife divorced him but I hope she did. Actually he was someone I considered a friend and if he had called me at 3 am I would have fallen back asleep because I had no sympathy for him and It sounded as though his wife was getting her ducks in a row to leave herself in a good position.

I still think that a sweeping statement of “absolutely no one who dies by suicide will talk about it beforehand” is dangerous misinformation. A friend’s daughter who had repeatedly been in contact with mental health services “threatening” suicide died by suicide a few years ago, leaving her children motherless. The subsequent inquiry found she had been repeatedly failed by MH services. Presumably they thought if she said she was going to take her own life she was safe because no one who says they are going to take their own lives ever actually does it. Yet she has been dead for several years.

I also don’t say “committed suicide” because it hasn’t been a crime since the 1960s to attempt suicide and dead people can’t be charged with a crime anyway. I know it’s a commonly used term.

If the OP’s abuser takes his own life because he can’t face the shame of using sex workers and assaulting his wife, that’s on him. She can call 999 and report it, personally I’d be getting away from him and the OP has indicated she intends to contact Women’s Aid.

I should add for the sake of anyone else who is reading this that it is common for abusers to weaponise the police and mental health services by say that they have been assaulted by their victims or that their wife is mentally unstable and an unfit mother. I don’t date any more but when I used to hear that a man had a psycho ex or a narcissist ex I would assume he was talking about himself and run a mile.

If you look at my posts you can clearly see I am worried for the safety of the OP and her children. I haven’t expressed a shred of sympathy for her abuser because I don’t have any. I’m far more concerned that he will kill her and her children if she doesn’t leave.

All good wishes, from a survivor of coercive control before there was a law against it.

Men who are bullying and controlling are actually quite weak and pathetic. They don't have the ability to end their life's.

@BirthdayRainbow hear hear. Absolutely.

Take absolutely no notice of him or his family. Get rid of him, he is despicable.

While that's all true, it is pointless to try to engage the sister in a meaningful dialogue here.

Cutting all contact with the husband and his dysfunctional family is the only way to remain sane and strong and with the mental clarity and energy to push forward here.

Contact the police about his threats.

Keep a record of the threats too. If he has texted them, save those texts. He will be going after you for unsupervised access to the children before you know it.

If my husband had used sex workers and then punched me, my only worry would be safeguarding myself and my children.

@IslaMai it is not on you. It is him. His family is siding with him. Most people who commit suicide don’t threaten it - he is trying to control you. Please carry on with your plans and don’t let his family influence you. Look after you - your kids don’t want that kind of role model.

The sister is disgusting, enabling him.

How did his parents react when he hit you in front of them? Did they try and stop him, tell him off or protect you ? I can see where he gets his attitude from.

Please contact women's aid op x keep safe

It’s a dangerous myth that people who talk about suicide don’t follow through and I wish people would stop saying that on here. However OP you must do what is right for you and get some support with this as suggested from Women’s Aid or similar. If you are concerned dh will harm himself phone his gp and tell them or if he says it is imminent then phone the police. You can’t take responsibility for him beyond this.

When my ex cheated he said he was suicidal his mam was like there's a rope out in the shed for you lol

Leave him OP!

Please get far away from him as possible.

Absolutely call Womens aid for advice.

That abusive liar and cheat is also a manipulative piece of shit.

He is trying to control you.
You can report his assault of you and tel of his suicide threats.
They can do a welfare check on him.
He is not your responsibility.

Keep posting if it helps you.

He is using suicide as a threat for him to be able to regain control of the situation.

Once you made the decision to leave him, he no longer has control of the narrative and yourself.

Your SIL is vile. She is siding with him and putting the blame on you. It is always easier to blame everyone else but ourselves so I would not fall for his bluff and cut ties with this abusive specimen.

In the highly unlikely event of his actually killing himself, that's not on you - it's is choice and his fault.

He's already been violent towards you in front of witnesses. You need to get out. He sounds like the kind of bastard who would try to off you and the children first. It's not safe for you.

If you have any family in the area who won't expect you to go back to an abuser, please reach out to them.

Please, OP. I don't mean to terrify you, but you need to put yourself and the children first.

Is there a cultural thing at play here? Forgive me but the way you describe the prostitute incident and what his sister said makes me wonder if there are expectations that as the wife you will put and shut up and that anything you do is your fault for questioning him.

As for his threats, of course he is ashamed. If you divorce him and people find out why, he will be (deservedly) judged and humiliated.

He wont commit suicide. He pulled that card when the physical abuse didnt make you back down. When the suicide trick doesnt work he will almost certainly go back to the physical abuse. I complete agree that your first port of call has to be Womens Aid. Keep trying if you dont get through straight away they are very busy and underfunded (surprise surpise) so dont give up.