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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh wants me to meet his ex-girlfriend

83 replies

confuseddd · 16/04/2008 16:50

okay, this is nothing compared to what others of you go through but... i just don't want to get hurt and would appreciate your views.

dh and his ex had a 10 year rel. - very good and they are still fond of one another. she often sends him emails and these have coincided with important events in our life together (eg when we married, found out i was pregnant). we have had bitter rows because I think he has not finished with her properly.

she wants us to meet (along with our new baby and her dh, poor man) for tea. personally I want to tell her to stop acting like the queen, and that she doesn't own a pieceof him.

i've agreed to this meeting for his sake - am i doing the right thing.

sorry, i did say this was a bit of a lame issue.

OP posts:
ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 15:02

Yes but Madamez, she says that he gets 'actively upset' if they so much as run into one of her ex's by accident.

That to me suggests a bit of an issue. It isn't fair.

Miggsie · 17/04/2008 15:13

..talk to her DH rather than her...he might feel the same way you do, it seems odd that you need to meet her NOW when presumeably you have been with DH long enough to have a baby etc.
Why does he want to see her?
Why does she want to see him and you?
Why does he want you to see her?

It sounds odd for this chummy meeting to come up after all this time they have been apart.

sleepycat · 17/04/2008 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bink · 17/04/2008 15:24

This is one of those situations where the whole context is key, I think.

Does your dh have a lot of friends, male and female, from various different bits of his life, that he sees quite a bit of, & feels are part of who he is? - in other words, does this ex-girlfriend fit into a general pattern of close, loyal long-term friendships?

Or is she somehow different/special? Does she appear on the scene at particular, possibly slightly stressed, moments in his life now? - in other words, might she represent for him a kind of escapist What Might Have Been?

My own dh belongs in the first category above - he just has a whole crowd of special people he's collected along the way, and that's all they are, special people - there's nothing sinister or doubtful or worrying about his relationships with them now. Rather sweetly, he's collected some of my friends to belong in that category too, including two very beloved gay men who are my children's godfathers. So if you are dealing with that kind of thing, I'd say the more the merrier (including ex-girlfriends).

Bink · 17/04/2008 15:29

We also have an ex-girlfriend as a godmother (and dh is godfather to her daughter).

PS - I have a very long ago ex, who was a cheater & whom I do not trust, who appears on my scene occasionally to suggest meeting up. And I avoid it because I know he has made me a Might Have Been in his other relationships.

postingforawhilenow · 17/04/2008 15:30

nothing odd about this whatsoever. Nothing odd about being in touch with ex's and nothing really odd about meeting up with them.

Our ex's are part of our past - they have contributed to what he have become now. They have played important roles in our lives. Let's face it, we don't meet someone we really connect with every day of the year. Why should we chuck someone completely out of our lives just because we are not in love and/or sexually attracted to them any more?

Sounds like this was a long relationship and, in many ways, I would find that less threatening than if he was introducing you to someone he had a torrid month long fling with. Ten years is a long time, you become someone's friend in that time (and probably stop having sex!!). Life's too short to chuck those friendships away.

The only caveat is if the ex behaved badly/cheated/was abusive or if it ended badly/messily. But if it didn't, if it really was just the end of the road after a long relationship, you have nothing to be uncomfortable about, especially as it will be the four of you.

As for imagining them sleeping together, I cannot remember sex with any of my olders ex's so I cannot for the life of me know how my DW could imagine it!!

You may even be surprised and get on really well with her.

Bottom line is she clearly still has some importance for your DH - and he is doing nothing wrong by maintaining that. If she is still in some ways important to him, best it's all open, that you meet her and that everyone can see clearly where their roles lie.

I promise it will be nowhere near as bad as you are fearing! And remember, you are in pole position, in "possession" of your husband!! This is clearly not one of the many cases we see on here where someone bumps into an ex and there is a clap of thunder.

Don't give DH a hard time, he is being open and honest with you and deserves recognition for that...

[from a DaddyMumsnetter!]

doggiesayswoof · 17/04/2008 15:59

Agree with zippi and mamazon and others here. Exes are exes for a reason.

Yes, they are an important part of your past, no harm in it blah blah blah. But I had some teachers/university lecturers for e.g. whom I consider an important part of my past. I'm not taking my dh and dd to meet them in a park. No point.

Confuseddd, imo she is curious and wants a look at you and the baby. Also think your dh is bang out of order since he has a problem with your exes.

FWIW your plan to do it (with an escape route) while making sure you're looking your best is a good one imo. That's probably what I would do.

doggiesayswoof · 17/04/2008 16:01

postingforawhilenow, that's all very well, but OP's dh is not bothered if her exes are important to her. When the boot is on the other foot he gets "visibly upset"

So perhaps it is a tad unreasonable of him to expect Confuseddd to go along with this?

Swedes · 17/04/2008 16:06

I would go, but only so long as your ex boyfriend and his wife are also in attendance.

postingforawhilenow · 17/04/2008 16:12

we would need more detail about the type of exes he freaks out when he sees them.

This person seems like a pretty "stable" ex, one which finished well and a long time ago.

It's always a bit freaky to bump into exes unexpectedly. This all sounds a lot more civil and organised.

Sorry, still feel he is being open and you cannot deny this exes existence in his life...

doggiesayswoof · 17/04/2008 16:14

lol Swedes. It's getting crowded.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 16:18

well i was with my exh for 23 years and my exdp for 8 and i certainly cant envisage introducing thme to a boyfriend that would be just plain odd

i am surprised that people have all these concurrent relationships

i move on

and so do they i'm sure

can you realy be with someone for ten years and then both have no feelings for each other and no bad feelings either and want to be friends as in buddies

LyraSilvertongue · 17/04/2008 17:21

You can if your relationship ended up with you being more like friends than lovers. I can't imagine my ex 'in that way' any more. It's like that part didn't happen really. He's more like a brother now.

LyraSilvertongue · 17/04/2008 17:24

I agree with postingforawhilenow.

Kif · 17/04/2008 17:59

I think everyone is missing the core issue here.

Did you say you'd be 6 weeks post-partum?

Feck that. In any culture that supports new mothers, you should be lying in bed having rice porridge fed to you. Certainly you should be around people who you feel safe with.

Postpone it to well after the new baby. Tell DH it's a woman thing - you want to concentrate on getting to know the new baby.

madamez · 17/04/2008 18:26

GOod point, Kif. 6 weeks post partum is not a good time to be meeting new people, no matter what.

But I still think people who won't socialise with their exes or their partners' exes are a bit, well, pathetic (exceptions obviously to be made in the case of violent XPs or theiving ones). Do you really only see people in terms of whether or not you are romantically/sexually involved with them (and if not they are of no use)? Couple-relationships are not that important, but good friends are worth keeping even if you have had sex with them in the past.

duke748 · 17/04/2008 19:05

I think that the fact that he wants you to meet her shows that there is nothing untoward going on.

Go, try to relax and have fun.

Don't be so paranoid. It might feel a bit strange at first, but if you sit there with a grumpy face it will be horrible for all involved!

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 19:13

Madamez, I think the OP is being a lot more open to HIS exes than he is to HERS!!!!

Original poster
confuseddd · 17/04/2008 20:26

bink - agree about the What Might Have Been exes and think she falls into that category - I don't think she is over him. I get hacked off because she gets in contact at every significant moment in our lives and wants to know whats going on - I am miffed by this.

madamez - you're right that i'm neurotic. I agree that it's an easier world if we can all get on, trust one another etc. however, i am not that evolved. i think monogamy is important and will fight my corner on it.

Agree duke748 that I must try to be nice and friendly - no good in behaving in a hostile way.

OP posts:
Original poster
confuseddd · 17/04/2008 20:29

I wish she'd just f off though.

OP posts:
franke · 17/04/2008 20:35

I sympathise with you confuseddd. I wouldn't personally have a problem with dh occasionally hooking up with an ex from a long-term relationship (well I would, but I wouldn't let on) but I wouldn't see why I would have to dragged into it like we could all be bessie mates.

I agree that if you're going through with the meeting you need to be nice and friendly, but it would be great if you could manage to inject a healthy dollop of indifference in there too

paddington99 · 17/04/2008 21:03

Bink is so wise!

Have we established why he wants you to meet her Confuseddd?

And why on earth would he think you'd want to meet her? Have you told him you don't really want to?

Is it me, or is he being a teensy bit selfish?

lucyellensmum · 17/04/2008 21:51

I think its weird, im insecure (big time) and i would absolutely NOT want to meet any of DPs exes and i wouldn't be comfortable with him being friends with them either. Saying that we are both very "exclusive" people, we dont really have any other close friends outside each other, after all isnt the friendship bit the most important, sex is just sex. I honestly think i could deal with a one night stand better than if he had a friendship with an ex. No, i cant get my head around it, all those little "things in common" shared memories - no way jose no way no way no WAY!! That is just me though, and actually a good few of my friends are still in contact with their exes and its been OK. My best friend is still in contact with her ex husband (they have (had ) a son together) but anyway, he remarried and she went to their wedding. When her and her DP moved to germany, he helped them move. I dont think the DP was ever entirely comfortable with it, but it seemed to work for them.

I was just posting my own reaction, but it seems to be making the OP uncomfortable and in all honesty, if she has made this clear to DH, he and this other woman should respect that and agree to cool their friendship and keep it to a minimum. It just doesnt sit well with me.

Sorry OP thats not very encouraging but i have my honest hat on tonight, as apposed to post what the OP might like to hear to feel better hat.

zippitippitoes · 17/04/2008 21:53

well in my world i dont see why you have to meet anyone you dont want to

life is too short to do things you dont like to

madamez · 17/04/2008 23:20

Well I don't see why anyone should have to give up a valuable friendship to placate a whiny clingy neurotic partner. Lets not forget that banning friendships and cutting off contact with people other than the partner is classic early-stage abuser behaviour.