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Original poster

dh wants me to meet his ex-girlfriend

83 replies

confuseddd · 16/04/2008 16:50

okay, this is nothing compared to what others of you go through but... i just don't want to get hurt and would appreciate your views.

dh and his ex had a 10 year rel. - very good and they are still fond of one another. she often sends him emails and these have coincided with important events in our life together (eg when we married, found out i was pregnant). we have had bitter rows because I think he has not finished with her properly.

she wants us to meet (along with our new baby and her dh, poor man) for tea. personally I want to tell her to stop acting like the queen, and that she doesn't own a pieceof him.

i've agreed to this meeting for his sake - am i doing the right thing.

sorry, i did say this was a bit of a lame issue.

OP posts:
VacantlyPretty · 16/04/2008 17:36

Message withdrawn

nappymadmummy · 16/04/2008 17:41

Well I know dh's ex. We've had her round for dinner with her dh and dh has been round to theirs. I think it's quite nice they keep in touch and I don't worry about it. She's thinner than me, she runs marathons - I'm more of a sit on my arse eating biscuits type . We invited her to our wedding and we were invited to theirs (tho neither of us could make it cos of money). As far as I can see, dh can be friends with who he likes.

barnstaple · 16/04/2008 17:48

It's a nasty one really isn't it?

I met several of dh's exs after we were married but before dd was born, so I was myself, and confident and all that blah. In fact, I became pretty friendly with two of them; really nice people, one of them was already married to someone else, she was great. The other is still a good friend and last year met a really nice guy with whom she is settling down and dh and I are really happy for htem. I think I was lucky.

I met two others though; one wouldn't speak to either of us. The other one I felt very awkward with - not because dh still had anything going with her, but because it was clear she hadn't really finished with him. I never saw those two again, and nor did he.

I would tell dh that this really isn't the best time for you to be meeting ex-girlfriends as you really need to feel on top of things in order to handle it sensibly and right now you're still hormonal, etc etc etc. Then you can keep putting it off for at least 18months (that's how long the pg hormones are meant to take to go away!). By then, iwth any luck, he'll have forgotten about her.

Good luck.

branflake81 · 16/04/2008 17:57

Why on earth shouldn't they be friends? They were togehter for 10 years, there is bound to be residual fondness and I am sure that's all it is. It's not love, otherwise he would be with her. She's an important person in his life and I think you should meet her. My OH is still v good friends with one of his exes and tells her some quite personal stuff. But I know that Im the one he's with now and have nothing to worry about.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 16/04/2008 18:00

It sounds really odd. Why would they insist on meeting you, and why does your H not stand up for what you feel comfortable with?
If he knows it bothers you he should understand that, lots of us would feel odd about meeting their H's exes. I don't see why it is necessary.
Sure they can be friend if he must, but you don't have to be dragged into something you quite naturally have mixed feelings about - I think it's normal to feel uncomfortable with the situation and if he can't see that he is being a bit of a Mr nobby nobhead.

zippitippitoes · 16/04/2008 18:03

crikey all this meeting of exes is very odd imo

maybe it is something if you are younbg and they arent serious relationships and you are a group of friends who move on

but to go out of your way to meet someone rather than bump into them in the supermarket is just strange and would make me wish the ground would swallow me up

LyraSilvertongue · 16/04/2008 18:04

Flight, it's not 'necessary' for them to stay friends but why shouldn't they? Why are we friends with anyone? Because we like them. If they still like each other, there's no reason why they should lose contact just because they used to be in a relationship.

DarrellRivers · 16/04/2008 18:05

I bump into DH's ex on a few random occasions. We have a mutual friend.
Doesn't bother me, she is v interesting person.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 16/04/2008 18:06

Btw don't minimise your feelings, no need to apologise for being uncomfy with something.

I especially would feel bad about doing this 6 weeks after giving birth, you are very vulnerable at this time.

Relax and be confident and say no thanks - if he tried to bully you into it knowing you just don't feel comfy, he is being very unfair and childish, or trying to prove something. You have a right to feel how you do.

{{confuseddd}}

StarlightMcKenzie · 16/04/2008 18:07

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ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 16/04/2008 18:08

'Sure they can be friend if he must, but you don't have to be dragged into something you quite naturally have mixed feelings about '

Lyra, that is what I said - nothing about him not being friends with his ex. I just don't think the OP has to feel obliged to.

beansmum · 16/04/2008 18:08

I am good friends with a couple of my exes. If I had a partner he wouldn't be able to avoid meeting them really. I don't think it has to be a big drama, they are just friends.

Original poster
confuseddd · 16/04/2008 19:08

lol at mr nobby nobhead

I would really rather not see her especially as I'm not at my best - don't have a lot to share and none of my clothes fit due to being post baby.

however, she is really persistent and keeps asking. Like you say starlight, it is her making the effort to stay in touch with him, like women tend to do.

It is weird that she wants to though. I have never said they can't be friends either - i just said i don't have to like it which i don't really, as she keeps coming out of the woodwork every time dh and i are doing something important together. she seems to have a sixth sense!

anyway, i will just have to try to get through it and be polite but really can't see any point in it.

we are meeting on neutral territory (park), so i can always run away if it's awful.

OP posts:
LyraSilvertongue · 16/04/2008 19:13

Just think of her as any other female friend and not as 'the ex'. Might help you feel more comfortable.

Monkeytrousers · 16/04/2008 19:24

Meet, but arrange before hand to have a secret code that means you aren't handleing it well and that you both need to go - text the babysitter to tell her to ring you so you have an excuse.

Or tell hom you will doit when you are feeling better about yourself. Women are very competative over their looks (that is actually a scientific fact tell him) and if she wants to chesk you out so much, tell him that at least he can do you the favour of letting you bet back into shape before hand.

He should be able to respect that.

clouded · 16/04/2008 20:15

Is it the baby that she wants to see? It does seem like odd timing otherwise.
Has she got children?
I do sympathise with you confuseddd. You don't need this kind of stress at the moment. Don't go if you don't want to or make a later time that suits you.

Alexa808 · 17/04/2008 02:07

CDD, personally I don't think I'd agree to a double 'date' with any of my dp's ex GFs as it would look so stilted and be awkward but if we met in the street or shops by coincidence I wouldn't be too bothered as long as my dp is all over me and we're gleaming and happy.

Main point to remind you of is:

  • you are his wife and mother of his child.
  • 10 years is a looong time
  • get him to be all over you during date and make sure you look absolutely gorgeous and are accessorized with cute baby on lap

On a more general note: the world is full of lovely, exciting people. Why FGS do you need to be friends with your ex? If he/she were such a great friend, why were you lovers in the first place? Why not only friends? IMO, if the love dies, you move on and close that chapter. Too many memories and emotions involved to make it as 'proper' friends.

Would your dh be okay meeting any of your ex BFs? Can you tee up a lunch with them and their new partner? How would he feel sitting opposite a guy who's had his c*ck in your mouth? (Don't mean to be rude, just want to be graphic). My dp would be very very uncomfortable and not agree to it.

Mamazon · 17/04/2008 02:12

Ex's are Ex's for a reason imho.

can't understand why people would want to have them as part of their future lives.

But there is no harm in meeting her and showing her how in love you both are and how happy he is with you.

Original poster
confuseddd · 17/04/2008 09:12

I'm going to do the password thing - good idea. And Alexa, that is so true, I don't really want to be thinking of him in 'that' way, with her. yuk. He would certainly object if I started arranging meets with my exes and when we have run into them by coincidence he has been actively upset.

I'm going to try to be glamourous and just not give much away. I think it's fair enough to take a back seat given that it's the 2 of them pushing for it. Thus perhaps their motives will be clear on the day - all a bit unnecessary and embarrassing though.

thanks for the advice chaps

OP posts:
ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 09:26

Oh that's really unfair then, if he gets antsy when you run into your exes. Totally unfair.
He's acting like a bully.
Don't put up with it!

I had a brief relationship with a bloke who seemed great but then when I mentioned any of my exes, he flew into a hideous rage and stormed out of the house - why? Because he didn't like to think I had ever been with anyone else.

One day I just didn't let him come back in. I think it was about 2 months into the relationship. What a psycho.

Not suggesting your DH is a psycho, btw but it just sprang to mind!

StarlightMcKenzie · 17/04/2008 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SSSandy2 · 17/04/2008 09:39

I wouldn't do it if I were you personally. I would just tell dh the truth that I'm not comfortable with it and not interested in getting to know her, have no wish to have her in my life. See no reason at all why you should if you don't want to.

She sounds weird to me pushing for a meeting etc I wouldn't open the door to her, imagine trying to close it again if you find you can't stand her

immaculateconception · 17/04/2008 11:12

I am now best friends with my DF's ex girlfriend. At first I felt very threatened by her and for about 2 years I was absolutely awful to her and would make her leave the house. That was until 2006, me and my DF had had a huge blow up about her and I ended up talking to my foster mum and she gave me a good bit of advice, "She's an ex for a reason" which made me think about their relationship, they are more like brother and sister than anything else. She's now like I say, my best friend and is helping my DF plan our wedding, as it's a surprise from myself and I know that I'm in safe hands. She's also going to be our witness to our wedding and I feel blessed that we are friends even after the awful, awful way I treated her. My advice is to forget she's his ex and see how things go. She has obviously moved on as she's married to somebody else and like my foster mum says they are obviously exes for a reason, otherwise you wouldn't be with your other half and she wouldn't be married to somebody else.

booge · 17/04/2008 14:26

I don't see the problem, I sometimes see ex BFriends and sometimes see DH's ex, no big deal they are all nice people.

madamez · 17/04/2008 14:31

Get over yourself. People who are friendly with XPs are much less neurotic than people who are so monogamy-obsessed that everyone who isn't their current partner is either totally unimportant or a Threat.
THe more people stay on good terms with XPs, the better it is for society actually, because it makes it easier and more acceptable for people to be good co-parents to the children they have with their XPs once they get over the obsession with sexual ownership.