Boyfriend takes his laptop on holiday whilst we are away to work on!

[Charlie12023]

How would you ladies feel, if you had planned a lovely holiday away for a week, somewhere nice, chilled, planned lots of things, always looking forward to your week or 2 weeks away, but your boyfriend always insisted he brings his laptop because he has to work whilst away?

When we first met he said, is it a dealbreaker? I said well a compromise would be good for example, checking them in the morning, checking them at night ,he said I just dont want to come home to a whole load of emails which would stress me out. ( I feel bad for raising the question to him, as in I think do I feel like a control freak now or selfish lol) He is a director part owner of a company has been, for about 20 years now so he is kind of very dependent on the sales aspect of this jobs, his clients and contracts too with 2 others as well.

However its kind of got my back up, not too sure there is a compromise but it kind of puts a strain on the relaxing part as I feel he is still kind of working, not relaxing per se, or prioritising things which would be good for him to wind down so he feels it helps him, so he doesnt come home to more stress, but I think, what is the point of going away? or am I being really inconsiderate here?

Would be nice to look forward to a holiday in the hope that you kind of chill all the time together, anyone had partners like this? as we both work hard in the week, myself included as I work for myself but would not bring my laptop ever with me on holiday I would just stick in the out of office on!!

thanks for reading, just not too sure how to address this really?

YANBU. He's not as important as he thinks he is, other directors or staff should deal with things in his absence. He needs to give you some attention for once.

When you own a business this is kind of part and parcel of it, isn’t it?

Yep, this. I’m self-employed and as a rookie would work evenings, weekends, on holiday. Now, a solid break is non-negotiable. If you can’t afford to take a week off, you’re doing something wrong. More likely, he uses work to feel a certain way. I’m sure they’d manage without him for a week just fine.

OP, I’d go away by yourself for your next holiday. Sure, sometimes these things can’t be avoided, but sounds like he’s determined to make every holiday you take with him drab and beige. Taking a laptop on your hols is a real buzz kill.

I have been him. It’s incredibly stressful being a manager and being away from your computer even if it is good for you. I actually found it way better to have a computer with me and do an hours work every few days than to anticipate chaos and not know what was happening. Unfortunately it’s part and parcel of being a boss.

DH always takes his laptop. It's 99% of the time a 'just in case something goes wrong' and he might check emails once a day. But it's never got in the way of our holiday. He had to do an hour of work last week on holiday. I sat and read my book. No biggie. If he was on it all day every day I'd be having serious words.

DH is self employed and always works for about an hour each day when we’re away. He says if he doesn’t his clients will realise they can do without him!

YABU a bit... this can be fairly par for the course when you're a business owner, as long as he's not stuck to it all day every day

I think it depends, I’ve been a shareholder in a small business and always took my laptop away. I wasn’t ‘working’ but I’d log in and check at quiet times. It didn’t make ne stressed or otherwise negatively impact holidays. On the flip side, I got paid well for it and we all benefited from that.

Plenty of business owners are able to switch of or let things wait a few days. As a PP says, if he can't then it's a really bad job and not good at all for the family.

DP does this - he is self-employed and due to the nature of his business, he’s unable to “block off” more than a day or two at a time.

I’ve actually kind of come to like it, as it means I can go to a museum or shopping (which wouldn’t interest him) at my leisure, and leave him at the hotel/airbnb to work 😅

He also has more flexibility, which is typically the upside of these jobs - we can stay abroad longer as he’s not expected in the office, and we can do fun things spontaneously on a random Tuesday. Could you make up for lost holiday time with day trips, long lunches, or similar once you’re back home?

Thats a good point, yes its possible this would work, I guess its also a question of talking isnt it and getting the right balance as it looks like its quite common on here with their partners or themselves doing this, I have my own business too so I do answer the odd email here there and everywhere but not anything more if that but this has made me look at it differently thank you.

DH has had to do stuff whilst away, it’s a bit of a pain but it’s paid off, he is retiring at 56. You need to decide if this is for you.

@Charlie12023 yes, definitely about getting the right balance and communicating. I also think it’s important that he’s respectful of your time and lets you know roughly when he’ll be working and when you can do things together (although I know this is not always possible, and is often half the problem).

Sometimes I’d get frustrated on holiday because I’d just be waiting around for him to finish - it was always “just one more email.” Now I just go do what interests me and he can join me later if he wants. It also causes less resentment as I’m not dragging him to see things he’s not interested in!

And although it’s not the same as a holiday, I do feel very lucky that we can have a drive through the countryside and a pub lunch while everyone else is in the office - it definitely softens the blow of compromising on holidays!

I own my own business and so does dh. We both tend to bring laptops on holiday, just so we can keep on top of things. I find it more relaxing...

I think it's different owning a business and being employed...

I've been married for 25 years and my dh has always done some work on every holiday we've been on. It's just a part of who he is.

I'm a teacher and I would be unhappy if I said to my dh 'oh, I'm just going to collect 31 pinecones for school' or send a postcard from the class mascot when I was on holiday and he was pissed off about it because he wanted to 'chill'.

I'm not self-employed but do take mine with me. I'm not remotely irreplaceable but I do transactional work and it's often much easier all round to answer a question quickly than have someone else spend ages looking for the answer - or coming back to hundreds of emails. Personally it stresses me less. It's kind of expected that we aren't completely out of contact other than for special holidays. I've been away most of the week but doubt I've done more than 3 hours, probably a bit less. For me that works. My OH is used to it and the reality is that I'm paid more than he is so while he'd never have to, I do.

I'd try to compromise. Say an hour in a morning while you lay in/ have a coffee on balcony. Before you go out

If that's what he wants to do then that's up to him. As long as it was just during the day and not the evening it wouldn't bother me. I'd just do my own thing. My husband has done this before.

My DH always takes his laptop on holiday with him. It's part of the position he is in that he needs to be contactable in an emergency and he likes to keep on top of e mails. I am not keen on it but I am used to it now. I am very glad, however, that he is retiring next year!

Him checking his laptop, really is no different to you spending time in a book.

I've been self employed since 2007 and I don't do this. There's no need. A business will not collapse if you take two weeks off.

DP does this. Owner/Director of a small company he helped set up. He tends to look at work stuff in a morning and in an evening.

It keeps him calmer, knowing things are going OK. It does mean little issues are quickly resolved and do ot become costly errors that lose money/clients

On the odd occasion it irritates me.
But sometimes I take full advantage and go off to do something I want.

Tak your own laptop and headphones and get on with your own stuff. Especially do it when he decides he wants to spend time with you.

I do it, it’s just very stressful coming back to a lot of backed up stuff if you run a small company.

So you probably need to compromise, which means being ok with entertaining yourself for a bit.