Boyfriend takes his laptop on holiday whilst we are away to work on!

[Charlie12023]

How would you ladies feel, if you had planned a lovely holiday away for a week, somewhere nice, chilled, planned lots of things, always looking forward to your week or 2 weeks away, but your boyfriend always insisted he brings his laptop because he has to work whilst away?

When we first met he said, is it a dealbreaker? I said well a compromise would be good for example, checking them in the morning, checking them at night ,he said I just dont want to come home to a whole load of emails which would stress me out. ( I feel bad for raising the question to him, as in I think do I feel like a control freak now or selfish lol) He is a director part owner of a company has been, for about 20 years now so he is kind of very dependent on the sales aspect of this jobs, his clients and contracts too with 2 others as well.

However its kind of got my back up, not too sure there is a compromise but it kind of puts a strain on the relaxing part as I feel he is still kind of working, not relaxing per se, or prioritising things which would be good for him to wind down so he feels it helps him, so he doesnt come home to more stress, but I think, what is the point of going away? or am I being really inconsiderate here?

Would be nice to look forward to a holiday in the hope that you kind of chill all the time together, anyone had partners like this? as we both work hard in the week, myself included as I work for myself but would not bring my laptop ever with me on holiday I would just stick in the out of office on!!

thanks for reading, just not too sure how to address this really?

I just got back from a holiday on which I took my laptop and used it on a number of occasions. It’s rare for me not to.

Being self employed is not running a small business with employees though.

Not to say there aren’t different ways of handling time off regardless, but they aren’t the same.

I take mine, for better or worse I have a job that my team cannot adequately cover along with their own work. It’s fast paced but many activities are dependent on others so I can’t “get ahead” before the hols, and a few hours over the holidays just means I’m not losing sleep worrying about everything going wrong. Which it will if I leave it. Not because I’m important or irreplaceable but my “cog in the wheel” of the corporate vehicle keeps evertyrjing moving.

I don't run a business with employees. I still take time off and let clients know that. It's important for mental health to take breaks and have boundaries. It's poor working practices to never have a proper break.

DH doesn’t own his own business but has been project lead on a bunch of time critical things. He has had to bring his laptop before but he tries to get stuff done quickly around doing other stuff. This year he got away with just fielding emails from his work phone. The main thing is he’s not working all the time, he may just need to check in once in a while.

I've been self employed since 2007 and I don't do this. There's no need. A business will not collapse if you take two weeks off

It's not about it collapsing. It's about wanting to keep things manageable when you return.

I'd be bewildered if my dh started to tell me what I could and couldn't do.

DP checks his emails or answers a few queries on his phone while lying on his sun lounger. Most people apologize when he explains he's away on holiday. He doesn't spend too much time doing this, so it's not intrusive.

I agree with others that as it is his own company there is some point to keeping an eye on things while he is on holiday. It might cause him more stress not to.

Are you just concerned about him or is it that you want to be doing the same things together all the time when you’re on holiday?

Is reading his emails and doing a bit of work for an hour or so much different to him reading a book, doing a crossword or taking a nap?

This makes the op sound like a puppy, if it was all the time I would think it's unreasonable but sometimes no issue we don't have to be glued to each other

Have an agreement that the laptop only comes out for one hour every second day - make it a deal breaker.
It's unfair that you need to compete with work on a holiday.

Agree on the time blocked for business together.
Turn off and unavailable and lap top locked up for rest of day.

Both you and him take that time and no more.

Part of being a business owner is that you need to be able to refresh yourselves.

My DH is the most senior person in his company and has to do this for his own sanity. He gets really stressed when things build up and he does need to be answerable to investors all across the world who call at all hours and weekends.

In all the years we have been married I've never known him to fully switch everything off for more than 48 hours. For us we try to find balance. So for instance if we travel, he will work on the plane journey while I'm happy reading. He will find an hour or two in the afternoon after a day out exploring where the kids and me want a little time to chill. As long as you're compromising and communicating on what you're both comfortable with I don't think either of you is in the wrong.

I would say it's actually something I've learned to admire about him. Ultimately he works his socks off because he wants to support our family and his career has sky rocketed because of his determination and work ethic.

Me and DH have our own business. We brought our work phone, not to actually "work" but to "proceed" or approve things to keep things moving while we are away. It's literally checking the phone and sending a 1 sentence whatsapp.

Our business isn't life or death, or anything close, but some of our clients act as if a 10 day break, once a year, is a liberty, and are pretty demanding.

My dh runs a business so is always working

We have rules when away. Can check and respond to emails before breakfast.

Occasionally there is something urgent that he has ti deal worh. But that happens when im getting ready or having a massage, siesta etc

Depends on the nature of the business surely? All those saying it isn't needed may be right for their position, but you can't speak for everyone and every situation.

My H tends to take his away with us. We are also both councillors and that doesn't just go away because we fancy a holiday. Our residents deserve better than being represented by people who ignore them. They have had enough of that from our predecessors.

YABU - I take my laptop on holiday. It is far better for me and my staff that I log on most days and do a little to keep on top of stuff. I also couldn’t be with someone that had a problem with that, I would find it weird.

I can see how this is slightly irritating for you OP but it sounds like this is part and parcel of his position. I guess he earns a good salary and this is the trade off.

But you need some rules.

• arrange a time suitable for both of you when he logs on.
• decide a location for him to do so.
• you get the hell out of the way whilst he is doing this. Book a treatment/go for a walk/get him to work away from the room if you want to stay there.
• zero work talk.

I'd look to take this time as time for me. Whilst he is working there is no need for you to be on duty too (which is what I feel when my DP wfh on the dining table.

Eye roll. Seriously, everyone would cope if you had an OOO for one week, and everyone understands what a holiday is. If it was a month perhaps, then sure, too much. But to be honest this smacks of self-importance more than anything!

👍🏼

Well I take my laptop on holiday with me and I do log on, but only because I know that after a certain number of days my remote log in will be deleted. I may look at e-mails over the last few days to clear any backlog.
However, I always set up an ooo message, which works, so not too many mails and I definitely do not do any work during that time, just read. 5 minutes a day is fine.

Honestly, I think the world divides into those who feel sympathetic towards a partner who has to work on holiday and those who feel annoyed about it. If you’re in the latter group, better to find a boyfriend who doesn’t need to do it. I can’t imagine anything more stressful than needing to work while you’re away while simultaneously dealing with an arsey girlfriend.

I bring my laptop and check my emails in the morning before anyone is up. Generally no one expects me to reply but I like to stay on top of things. It doesn't interfere with the rest of the day and means I can relax and put it all to the back of my mind.

If DH told me I had to leave it at home there would be words had.

Just got back from a two week holiday. My husband had his laptop and would work an or two in the mornings - he runs his own business.

I didn't take my laptop (this time) but had my work mobile. There's a deal I had to ensure went smoothly for 01/08 so I would check emails leading to deadline. I don't own the business I work for.

To me, our work pays for our lifestyle, dedicating an hour or two every other day on holidays is a no brainer

DH is self employed and takes his laptop. He’ll generally log on every few days to put orders on etc and will answer the work phone maybe once or twice a day. This is the downside to running his own business. The money and flexibility the rest of the time more than makes up for it.

This is like having a partner who works long hours or works away - ultimately the question is whether the rewards are worth it, to him but also to you.

If this is part of him building a successful business, and you will ultimately benefit from that, then it may be worth it to you.

Or you might be happier with someone who can clock on and off reliably.

Neither is right or wrong, just different priorities.

I don’t agree with some PP that it’s always possible for someone to set work aside for a week without any issues when they return. This entirely depends on the nature of the job or business, what stage it is at, who is there to handle things in the meantime, what they know, etc.

Agree with this. If he is part owner of a company he may need to keep an eye on things. As long as it's only for a short period every day I'd be ok with it. He should make sure it doesn't interfere with other plans for the day though.