What does he mean: ‘To be honest I’m not sure how I feel just yet…’

[molsykins]

me: 45F divorced mum of 3 in uk
him: 48M single man with 1 child in Oz (child lives with ex)

We first met travelling 21 years ago. Over the years there’s been a couple of group reunions. Then one 2 weeks ago when he was in uk for 3 weeks.
a box of feelings were unlocked and we ended up sleeping together. Lots of compliments both sides on how we would be so well suited. Yet we left so sad as we live opposite sides of the world.

after the reunion I went on holiday with my kids, still away now, and he visited other family before leaving uk today for Oz.

A few days ago I found out a mum at my sons school died suddenly of a heart attack. 35yo single mum. So so sad and made me realise life is so short. I decided to send a voicenote to him before he boarded plane today basically saying id love it if we could explore avenues to get to know each other better, and we could meet up half way in a few months. Both our jobs are self employed so totally applicable to remote working etc. life’s too short etc.

He replied. But I’m now really upset at response, and feel so sad.
‘’Thanks for the message K. Yes I had a nice time with Dave last night, he showed me some nice places around Covent gardens.
To be honest I’m not sure how I feel just yet, maybe when Im settled back in at home I can talk to you. I’m so excited about seeing A and seems to be the only thing on my mind leaving the trip. Speak soon x’’

(A* is his 6yo son. son lives with his ex)
i simply replied ‘ok x’ but he was in air by then. And I’m guessing I now do no more until I hear from him.
im so overwhelmed by my feelings for him, and mentally planned out trips for us to meet half way 😢😢😢

He lives the other side of the world. It was a short fun holiday romance for him, nothing more.

Keep your happy memories of him and move on.

It means he's not that into you. That's the long and short of it, I'm afraid.

He's telling you there is not going to be a future for the two of you.

Ok so you suddenly decided on a plan to see each other more.

You sprang it on him when he was travelling about to see his beloved son and now you're depressed his response was measured albeit lukewarm?

I think you're unrealistic. Did you think he would bounce about with sudden enthusiasm with this new idea?

And I think you should focus on men much nearer to home.

He had a fun holiday fling and he’s now going back to his real life

He didn’t see it same way as you and honestly I think you’ve read far too much into a casual thing.

The text says it all if I’m being honest

And so now I’ve just well and truly embarrassed myself by sending it and need to sort my head out 😢

Sorry you are feeling down OP. 😪 UK to OZ is just not realistic for the beginning of a long distance relationship, I don’t think. Not just the physical distance, the time difference too. You would have to alter your routines big time, spend a lot of money on travel, place a lot of trust in the other person.

I understand why you think it’s a nice idea/life’s too short, and I still think you should channel your new appreciation of life into finding a new romance, just not with him.

Unfortunately he sounds like one of those guys who has said all the right things without actually saying he wants to see you again.

From what you’ve said, he saw this as only a one night thing and although obviously enjoyed your company, doesn’t intend to see you again and is trying to be kind.

Sorry OP 💐

Thank you for replying. But don’t really need to be ‘told off’.
weve all been in certain emotional situations 😞

He's making it quite clear he doesn't see any kind of future, OP. Sorry.

In fairness, though, is it not the case that you probably wouldn't have sent that message if you hadn't been so shocked at the death of the 35 year old woman you knew? I'm not unsympathetic -- someone I have known for 30 years, and who was only a few years older than I am and in apparently perfect health, died very suddenly a fortnight ago, only a few hours after I saw him. We weren't close, but I'm very shocked still. I can imagine that it might have made me act impulsively in your circumstances.

Let yourself be sad, and be kind to yourself, but let this go. He's being very clear. You made a declaration of feeling and intent, he started going on about Dave showing him Covent Garden. That's a romance-blocker if I ever heard one.

Nothing to be embarrassed about, OP.

@BlastedPimples

I think his choice of message was to make it crystal clear, gently and without actually saying it, that there is absolutely no possibility he would ever move away from his son.

Told off? Who told you off?

I don't think you've embarrassed yourself. You were brave with your feelings and it hasn't gone the way you hoped it would. You're allowed to grieve the loss of possibility. But when you feel better, I think you will recognise that the practical difficulties were going to be too great to overcome, so this is for the best, because it frees you from the fantasy and from wasting time waiting. There is someone for you closer to home. You just haven't found him yet.?

It would be hard to maintain a relationship with that distance let alone start one.

Don't dwell on the response and don't be embarrassed for saying what you wanted to say. You had a nice time but that's probably going to be it.

Keep putting yourself out there and see what comes up. You've clearly still got it!

Don't waste your time - how can this possibly ever work? You have three kids, you live in UK, him in Oz. He knows full well its impossible and is trying to let you down gently.

@BlastedPimples i found your post to be unkind. Sorry. Like you were telling me what did I expect that happen.
a bit more tact needed.

I don't think you need to feel embarrassed @molsykins .
I would feel awkward if I had to see him at work every day, but even then that would be short lived.
If your mind has turned to 'life's too short' then I'm confident you have other things you can plan for yourself that will be an adventure 🪻

@BlastedPimples OP is looking for a handhold so no need to be so prickly.

It sounds hard to build and maintain a relationship with that distance between you two. His respond to me says he isn't interested in anything serious as if he was he would have made it clear. Better to forget any ideas you had already created and just continue keeping him as a mate on other side of the world.

Maybe he had an amazing time with you, and would love to turn it into something more permanent if that was possible, but he knows that it isn't possible. He's not going to move away from his son, or take his son away from his mother - and you wouldn't do that to your kids either. You both knew that when you got together; you just chose to ignore it for a moment. No-one's at fault or necessarily any less keen.

The distance makes it incredibly difficult.
You described jobs making it doable to change countries, but his son is a different matter. 6 years old is very young, if he starts to move 1000s of miles away, he can forget building any kind of relationship with the boy.
He says it between the lines of his message: he's looking forward to see him, in other words, he doesn't like you enough to give him up.
It doesn't sound like you know him enough to give up your life either. If you think you're really in a place to start again, then you could imagine visiting him in Australia. visit, not up sticks, and certainly not if you feel you're leaving something behind.
Your other point, that life is short, is worth remembering though. But probably not this one man.

OP, when he's been gone a few weeks it'll not be in your head so much and you'll realise that it just wouldn't work. It's cos it's so recent that you feel how you do. What idea did you have? Were you thinking about upping sticks and living in Oz because obviously he's not going to leave his son and it's much to far away to actually have a relationship.