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Original poster

What does he mean: ‘To be honest I’m not sure how I feel just yet…’

69 replies

molsykins · 14/08/2024 14:00

me: 45F divorced mum of 3 in uk
him: 48M single man with 1 child in Oz (child lives with ex)

We first met travelling 21 years ago. Over the years there’s been a couple of group reunions. Then one 2 weeks ago when he was in uk for 3 weeks.
a box of feelings were unlocked and we ended up sleeping together. Lots of compliments both sides on how we would be so well suited. Yet we left so sad as we live opposite sides of the world.

after the reunion I went on holiday with my kids, still away now, and he visited other family before leaving uk today for Oz.

A few days ago I found out a mum at my sons school died suddenly of a heart attack. 35yo single mum. So so sad and made me realise life is so short. I decided to send a voicenote to him before he boarded plane today basically saying id love it if we could explore avenues to get to know each other better, and we could meet up half way in a few months. Both our jobs are self employed so totally applicable to remote working etc. life’s too short etc.

He replied. But I’m now really upset at response, and feel so sad.
‘’Thanks for the message K. Yes I had a nice time with Dave last night, he showed me some nice places around Covent gardens.
To be honest I’m not sure how I feel just yet, maybe when Im settled back in at home I can talk to you. I’m so excited about seeing A and seems to be the only thing on my mind leaving the trip. Speak soon x’’

(A* is his 6yo son. son lives with his ex)
i simply replied ‘ok x’ but he was in air by then. And I’m guessing I now do no more until I hear from him.
im so overwhelmed by my feelings for him, and mentally planned out trips for us to meet half way 😢😢😢

OP posts:
Original poster
molsykins · 14/08/2024 14:30

@bosqueverde @ramsayboltonshounds

i used to live in Australia many years ago - I met my children’s father there (although he’s a scouser!).

re jobs we have, I meant it that we have flexibility to meet half way for trips etc. we aren’t bound by annual leave restrictions etc.
we had tentatively spoke about meeting up in February you see.

OP posts:
notanotheronenow · 14/08/2024 14:32

molsykins · 14/08/2024 14:30

@bosqueverde @ramsayboltonshounds

i used to live in Australia many years ago - I met my children’s father there (although he’s a scouser!).

re jobs we have, I meant it that we have flexibility to meet half way for trips etc. we aren’t bound by annual leave restrictions etc.
we had tentatively spoke about meeting up in February you see.

But how will that work long term? It will be too difficult to see each other very much and it takes you both away from your kids.

The only way it could work would be if you moved to Australia with your kids.

TuesdayWhistler · 14/08/2024 14:37

"Im so overwhelmed by my feelings for him, and mentally planned out trips for us to meet half way"

It sounds like you're wrapped up in your idea of this dream world you've concocted. That's ok.
But don't waste your life dreaming of this impossible situation whilst real life passes you by. If you want to seize life, do so, but seize reality, not a fantasy.

And with the best will in the world, we all know what men mean when they say what he said.. it's hard to hear, perhaps, but you know what he meant.

C0rdeliaChase · 14/08/2024 14:37

As Miranda learnt, it means he's just not that into you.

Original poster
molsykins · 14/08/2024 14:37

@notanotheronenow sadly that wouldn’t an option until they are adults, as their dad is 5 mins away in UK.

im obviously a Romantic and it’s the first time in years ive had feelings, and i of course already know him. So feel so sad that I can’t go further. And somewhat embarrassed I left a voicenote saying how I felt.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 14/08/2024 14:39

I don't think you should feel embarrassed about this. You liked him, and now you know that he isn't the one that got away. I think he is being realistic about it. I understand feeling like it could work (I have been there myself), but you can't build a relationship at that distance. It will end up a meeting or two a year and lots and lots of months sitting around alone dreaming about someone who isn't there. I think that kind of long distance relationship only works if the relationship is already established and if it is for a limited time. In a week or two your emotions will calm down and you will see that he is right to back away.

FoFanta · 14/08/2024 14:46

Firstly, don't be embarrassed by the voicenote. The fact that he has replied with honesty and promptness would lead me to think that he is a good guy who has no intention of messing with your heart. And there is never any shame in letting good people know that they have had a positive impact on you.

It seems like it is a shame that your life circumstances are not compatible with starting any sort of meaningful relationship. And it is fine to feel a bit sad and regretful about that.

But don't feel embarrassed about putting yourself out there a bit - nothing wrong with being a bit of a romantic, especially when your on your holidays. Please don't let it die the glow of what sounds like a lovely fling.

Stopgivingaway · 14/08/2024 14:50

You said how you felt - how else was he to know . You have done nothing wrong . Sad for you but please don’t be embarrassed

ramsayboltonshounds · 14/08/2024 14:51

molsykins · 14/08/2024 14:37

@notanotheronenow sadly that wouldn’t an option until they are adults, as their dad is 5 mins away in UK.

im obviously a Romantic and it’s the first time in years ive had feelings, and i of course already know him. So feel so sad that I can’t go further. And somewhat embarrassed I left a voicenote saying how I felt.

Oh god don't be embarrassed. Mostly, it's best to live a life where you say what you think and you have done that but when your heads cooled down a bit, you won't feel that way, it's definitely nothing to be embarrassed about.

Trips to see each other every so often isn't a relationship, it's having a very occasional fuck buddy at the most and it would mess with your head even more!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/08/2024 14:55

molsykins · 14/08/2024 14:09

And so now I’ve just well and truly embarrassed myself by sending it and need to sort my head out 😢

No fuck it, at least you don't have to wonder what would have happened if you said something.

Basically you are both single, your lives are on opposite sides of the world, and he is looking forward to getting back to his life. You had a nice little fling, and now you are both going to move on.

Beautiful3 · 14/08/2024 14:56

Please don't be embarrassed, you spoke your truth. He's said he's focused on his child, and unsure about a relationship with you. You tried and it might have ended positively. Now you know, you're free to meet someone else. I wouldn't bother with him again.

baileys6904 · 14/08/2024 14:57

To be honest, I think @BlastedPimples was being quite kind and accurate, if maybe phrasing it less delicately than the Op would like.

If he's been on the opposite side of the world to his child and is on his way back to see them, then absolutely his head will be filled with that, with no room for anything else. I think to explain that is valid, open and honest, and perhaps not a write off straightaway.

Let's face it, should he feel the same way, then logistically it's going to be complicated to proceed, which takes more thought. It's not a straight no ( although probs likely) but I'd have bene easier for him to not reply and ghost you from a bazillion miles away 🤷‍♀️

Catandsquirrel · 14/08/2024 15:02

You haven't embarrassed yourself, it's all fine. I think it was a moment of getting carried away following very sad news and he has been very sensible plus measured and kind in his delivery. You've known each other a long time, just explain whybthis happened and he'll understand.

Catandsquirrel · 14/08/2024 15:04

There are 4 kids and thousands of miles involved. I can totally understand why he may be happy to enjoy your meetup for what it was.

Gonk123 · 14/08/2024 15:05

BlastedPimples · 14/08/2024 14:16

Told off? Who told you off?

You were quite rude to be fair…

TheLaughOfRustyLee · 14/08/2024 15:13

As you said in your OP - life is too short.
It's too short to be wasting your time on a long distance relationship that could leave you feeling lonely when you part, on your own at special occasions such as Christmas, pining for someone you may not see for months on end.

Maybe take the new found excitement you had with him and concentrate it on someone more local to you.

Life's too short to waste worrying about someone on the other side of the world.

BlastedPimples · 14/08/2024 15:29

@Gonk123 I wasn't actually at all rude.

I simply pointed out it was unrealistic to expect reciprocal enthusiasm out of the blue.

And that it was better to focus on men nearer to home.

If you think that's rude then you are indeed a fragile plant.

Frasers · 14/08/2024 16:33

Ah op, don’t be embarassed, you shot your shot, you just didn’t win this time. I think you know fantasies of an ultra long distance relationship where you travel thousands of miles to meet a couple of times a year are just romantic dreaming. He will be flattered you feel so strongly you’d even consider such a thing. Don’t worry. No harm done.

Mounjaroattheend · 14/08/2024 17:21

You know what though - nothing to say you can’t still meet up half way as friends right?

Gonk123 · 14/08/2024 18:41

BlastedPimples · 14/08/2024 15:29

@Gonk123 I wasn't actually at all rude.

I simply pointed out it was unrealistic to expect reciprocal enthusiasm out of the blue.

And that it was better to focus on men nearer to home.

If you think that's rude then you are indeed a fragile plant.

Is your hobby to just go around people being rude and name calling?
I think there are better ways to spend your time…

BlastedPimples · 14/08/2024 19:11

@Gonk123 I didn't call you names. You called me rude. Is it your hobby to go around calling people rude for no reason?

I think there are definitely better ways for you to spend your evening.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 14/08/2024 19:44

I don't think he feels the same

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 14/08/2024 19:47

Please dont feel bad about it. You told him how you feel there's nothing wrong with that. Like you said life is short. At least you know that's not going to happen and move on. We should be able to tell someone how we feel at our age (I'm same as you). Sending hugs 🥰

Gracelet · 14/08/2024 19:56

You definitely shouldn't be embarrassed. I think it was a brave message to leave and you had nothing to lose by saying how you felt. If you hadn't you'd be in eternal "what if...." limbo. He doesn't feel the same way and that's ok. To take the positive - at least now you know that you're ready to date!

Sethera · 14/08/2024 20:01

He's letting you down gently. He sounds like a decent chap. It was the right thing to sound him out; you can move on now rather than spend ages wondering how he feels about you.