What does he mean: ‘To be honest I’m not sure how I feel just yet…’

[molsykins]

me: 45F divorced mum of 3 in uk
him: 48M single man with 1 child in Oz (child lives with ex)

We first met travelling 21 years ago. Over the years there’s been a couple of group reunions. Then one 2 weeks ago when he was in uk for 3 weeks.
a box of feelings were unlocked and we ended up sleeping together. Lots of compliments both sides on how we would be so well suited. Yet we left so sad as we live opposite sides of the world.

after the reunion I went on holiday with my kids, still away now, and he visited other family before leaving uk today for Oz.

A few days ago I found out a mum at my sons school died suddenly of a heart attack. 35yo single mum. So so sad and made me realise life is so short. I decided to send a voicenote to him before he boarded plane today basically saying id love it if we could explore avenues to get to know each other better, and we could meet up half way in a few months. Both our jobs are self employed so totally applicable to remote working etc. life’s too short etc.

He replied. But I’m now really upset at response, and feel so sad.
‘’Thanks for the message K. Yes I had a nice time with Dave last night, he showed me some nice places around Covent gardens.
To be honest I’m not sure how I feel just yet, maybe when Im settled back in at home I can talk to you. I’m so excited about seeing A and seems to be the only thing on my mind leaving the trip. Speak soon x’’

(A* is his 6yo son. son lives with his ex)
i simply replied ‘ok x’ but he was in air by then. And I’m guessing I now do no more until I hear from him.
im so overwhelmed by my feelings for him, and mentally planned out trips for us to meet half way 😢😢😢

Post coital chat. Should never trust it.

C'mon OP. Did you really think this could go anywhere. Both of you have kids (his very young - you dont say how old yours are but I imagine pre teens at best) and he lives on the other side of the world.

I would like to be generous and say that he wasn't just looking for a shag but you thinking 2 days later that you could meet up with him was pure hormones.

There's a thread on here where a 30 year old woman is going mental wondering why a ONS wont reply back to her 2 days after they had sex. Not saying your situation is anywhere near her level but it really emphasises the big difference in the way men & women view sex. I bet the day after he wasn't thinking about meeting you in Dubai or Singapore for a weeks holiday.

No one has been ‘told off’. You were being unrealistic.

Op what kind of a relationship would it be in reality? Wouldn't you be sad and missing him a lot? You've said you mentioned meeting up in February.. So another 6 or 7 months away?? In reality this relationship would likely be doomed. It's easy to get carried away with strong feelings and endorphins or whatever, but if you actually took a shot at this as a serious thing I think you'd be struggling with the distance massively.

I think it's just how we inevitably roll in our 40s/50s.

It's not embarrassing. It's just that at 25 you don't have the baggage you do at 45.

I'm early 50s, work overseas & have been on both ends of this particular seesaw.

One lovely chap, A, was desperate to convince me to apply for a job in the city where he'd just got a too good to turn down promotion, 500 miles away.

The job pretty much had my name on it, & I liked A a lot, but I had young kids who vaguely thought A was a colleague/mate of mine, had no idea he discreetly slept over regularly when they were with their dad, & would definitely not have wanted to leave their home & school. So that was a no, & I waved him on his way.

Nice chap B is an old friend from my home town in the UK. We had a delightful Christmas fling. It was great, & I was keen to keep things going, but he let me down very nicely. A ldr with me would have been complicated. Realistically, too much travelling to fit round his own young dc from a previous relationship.

None of this is bad, & no one should feel embarrassed. It's just that at our age, there's so much else going on.

Now if you'd hooked up 20 years from now, all kids grown & launched, it would be a different story 😉

You got swept away in the moment and imagined how you could possibly continue something. It's hard to let go of things that feel good, but realistically as you are both parents, neither of you could ever move to each others country until DC's are independent which is years off. A relationship over such a long distance would involve a lot of miserable pining in between and probably insecurities creeping in. Meeting halfway every few months is really not maintainable over the long term and if you tried it, you'd probably feel more hurt than you do now by then.

@CorvusPurpureus thank you for taking the time to reply in depth - and yes, the last sentence 😉

Read most of the responses...

But, I think it's all a bit harsh to say that he's not interested....

He probably thought it wasn't going anywhere, is overwhelmed with the excitement of seeing his son and you dropped that bombshell x

I think to react to his response at this stage may be a bit premature x

He's travelling for 24 hours.... he's got plenty of time to think on this xx

The heart wants what the heart wants x

I'm rooting for ya ❤️

@Poppalina37 ❤️ perhaps it’s just you and I that live in a fantasy world x

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply however x

You are overthinking this. You said how you felt. He obviously doesn’t feel the same. Nothing wrong with that. It’s unlikely that anything will come of this, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

I mean this gently but you need to try to calm down. It comes across you’ve been fantasising about meeting up with him half way, keeping it going, having a ldr, then when the kids leave home, jetting off and living together. Which is crazy considering he’s not interested, and you’re now thinking in a few years maybe,

get yourself on line dating or something. And if sex has you like this, then it’s best not to go there before you know the bloke is interested in a relationship.

good luck, the right guy is out there, but honestly try to calm down.

I think he's being realistic. There is no future relationship here because you have kids in the U.K. and he has a kid in Australia. What could you do beyond the odd hookup in Thailand?

He likes you. You had some fun together. He is being sensible and not getting carried away with feelings that can't practically be acted on.

Don't beat yourself up. Hopefully he'll message in. Few days to say "practical reasons yadda yadda" and you can agree and say "just getting carried away with dreams" and you go back to how things were before.

Op please don’t feel embarrassed, you’ve done nothing wrong. I think if you hadn’t suggested meeting again and his contact had naturally fizzled out you’d have felt even worse. I think we always regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do.

You didn't get the answer you wanted, but that doesn't mean you should regret asking. Like you said, life's too short. If you hadn't asked you'd never know. Next!

You're 45, youve said it yourself life is short, why be embarrassed by sending it! If he was the right person for you he would have been equally as excited at the prospect of seeing one another again .. i did all the games with ex's in the past, playing it cool, not getting invested, hard to get etc.. but when i eventually met the right guy there was no need for bullshit, we were both completely up front from the first date, and got engaged quickly, there was never any messing about. We now have 2 kids together and are about to get married.
Never be embarassed to just lay your cards on the table imo

Sorry but i think you just got carried away, there are plenty men who aren't on the other side of the world and the remote working is neither here nor there when he has a 6 year old dc. I think it was a kind response from him, perhaps a decent guy but there are others closer to home thankfully!

OP- absolutely no need to be embarrassed. You expressed your feelings- thats it, it takes bravery to do that. You haven't harassed him or stalked him so no need to feel anything negative.

It's obviously not going to work out so let this one go and move on- there could be many amazing people out there who you could have a great relationship with. Think of all the wonderful opportunities there could be around the corner for you- thats the great thing about life, it surprises you in wonderful ways sometimes.

Sorry OP, that’s a brush off. With that “maybe” he’s not even committing to definitely talk to you when he gets home. Men who aren’t interested but don’t want to be mean often use non committal words like “maybe” and “should” and “might”?

He hasn’t done anything wrong as such. You were both consenting and interested in each other, you had a night together that you both enjoyed, but it’s not realistic to have any more than that when you live on opposite sides of the world. The only reason he hasn’t told you no outright is because he feels some obligation because of having slept with you.

I think you got caught up in a lovely moment and that combined with the shock of hearing about the poor school mum passing away just made you take an action I don't think you would have even considered otherwise. Yes, it will feel cringey for a while, but that will pass, especially as you won't be in regular contact. It was a brave thing to take a chance but I think when you sit down and really think about the practicalities you'll realize it just wouldn't be possible.

His message back was kind but clear that there is absolutely no practical way to make anything between you work, especially with young DC on both sides. At least he was honest with you immediately and didn't just pretend he didn't get the message before his flight to leave you hanging for 24 hours. It'll feel shitty for a few weeks, but that will fade. I might message him back just saying something like you completely understand, hope his flight wasn't too bad that that he has a great time seeing his DS, and then leave any further contact to him. And don't beat yourself up for taking a chance 💐

That’s been some very big emotional stuff in a short space of time and perhaps put you off kilter and a bit rosey eyed. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Meeting up even half way would be incredibly expensive if you hoped to do that more than once a year. Maybe the money isn’t an issue but it would still be a lot of money both of you might do better spending in your children.