How to help conspiracy theory-obsessed mother? **Content warning MNHQ**

[AliasGrace47]

I'm 18, and I know it seems strange for a teen to ask advice here. But I looked at the feminism boards from curiosity and have found the advice here much more trustworthy than other forums.

Maybe distracting her with normal life, Shopping, days out. Buy her a book you think she could love

Listen to what she has to say.

Not if it's demonstratively crap.

No point in it.

She went down the rabbit hole.

Best to preserve your own mental health.

I have a lovely friend whose family got into Jehovahs Witness, family into Catholisim,

I respect their choice but don,t engage.

Sorry I need to add more, will do later on. I understand that only she can change her beliefs, it does make me worry as they are very extreme. She is v kind and caring, and doesn't force her beliefs on me as she knows they upset me, but they kind of permeate her general worldview which can be v difficult.

She is intelligent and educated, so it frustrates me that she subscribes to this raft of extreme and ludicrous theories. We've always been close, and still are, but it's hard to confide in her, though I still do, as she doesn't react normally to loads of things anymore. (Will elaborate later).
At the same time, she has had a lot of horrible things happen to her through her life, and when I explain a bit more you'll be able to see how researching her problems drew her to conspiracy theories. I hate the people who make this crap up- they're basically exploiting vulnerable people in a long distance cult. And the stuff they write is so twisted that I wonder what kind of people they are.. Are they the real criminals? Or just sickos who like exploiting the vulnerable?

I'm really grateful for the advice, it's hard for me to discuss in real life for reasons I'll go into later. I know only the person can change their own mind, but if anyone does have any tips for helping them away from extreme views it would be much appreciated.

I finally have some time so I'll give the details, sorry for the gap.
My father was physically & verbally abusive, my mum left him when I was a baby. She didn't let him have contact w me as she didn't think it would be safe. Unfortunately he took her to court and they didn't believe her abuse allegations, saying within 2 months she should be letting me stay at his place for several days without her around. She didn't trust him to keep me safe so didn't allow contact.
Around this time, she said she was often followed and harassed when outside by various dodgy-looking people. She thinks he was behind this. I don't know as obvs I was too young, but it's poss I guess. He is quite well-off and doesn't work, and doesn't really have anything much he likes doing ( this is per court docs, not my mum).

Things were difficult for my mum when I was at school, she felt the other parents had been given his version of who she was, so reacted badly before she'd even said anything.
I get this might sound paranoid, but he very helpfully started a second contact case when I was in the first few weeks of secondary, & was encouraged by the judges to contact my school.

The other bit of background is to do w my mum's 2 brothers. The stalking etc shook her a lot & her older brother was her main support. He was in some ways a father figure to me. Not so close to younger brother, who has a violent streak.

Unfortunately, 2 years ago my gran was very ill ( she's better now) and it was revealed that older brother was not what we thought he was. He repeatedly visited my gran in hospital, when she was physically and mentally very unwell, to get her to change her will to leave him everything.

When she got better and went on wheelchair walks w him, he no longer seemed to worry about her safety, pushing her chair in the road, or insisting on continuing a walk when she was falling out of the chair. (Luckily I was there to bring back under control).

On these walks he would always walk away to make a phone call for 5 mins , he didn't say who to. Ok maybe a work colleague, but this was a new developement & he was always vague about whether he was working. It also came out that he owned 3 houses he hadn't told us about, and had bought his cottage 10 years before we were told they bought it.

This really shook my mum, & her coping strategy was to blame his wife. His wife is from an upper class family and quite snobby and rude to us, and she has been known to do odd things like going through my mum's sanitary towels and cutting my gran's hair against her will. However, this where my mum's views began to get out of hand.

Hi OP. You sound very mature. Good on you for wanting to help your mum.

You are already helping by understanding why she is vulnerable to conspiracy theories - I read an article (by a psychologist) on how to work with clients who are conspiracy believers, and that was one of the suggested steps.
The article also suggested - don't react too much to the content of what she believes. So try not to get involved in arguments about whether COVID exists or Hillary Clinton is a p*do or whatever. Instead, try to connect with the feelings/thoughts driving the belief - maybe fear, mistrust, or whatever. It sounds like you have a good sense of how her experiences have led her to her beliefs, and maybe talking to her about that would help.

And the other thing she suggests is to find common ground - the kernel of truth. I knew a guy at work once who was really down the rabbit hole about COVID lockdowns. I liked him and I tried to be curious about it, and one time I asked him, "What is it about all this that's so distressing" and he said "I'm a working class trade unionist and I've always believed in brotherhood and sisterhood and our common humanity, and this feels like a way to divide us up by class and race and nationality" - and that was something I felt real empathy with - I didn't agree that there was a sinister plan by shadowy people, but I agreed that our shared humanity was impaired and that was something I could discuss with him.

If you can, get her away from the internet and involved in other things with you. My father is married to a conspiracy theorist, and he says when they go travelling (Australia - they go to very remote places) she never talks or thinks about it. It's only when they're at home that it causes issues because she's online all the time.

Good luck OP.

I also should have said: Look after yourself. It's great that you want to have a good relationship with her and help her with this, but you're also allowed to have boundaries about your own emotions and time. She's the parent and you're the child - ultimately it's not your job to look after your mum. (Until she's very old of course!). At 18 you should start to get on with your own life and relationships.

Just because you don’t share the same beliefs and words views as your mother doesn’t make her a conspiracy theorist. It’s her beliefs as a grown adult with life experience and the gaslighting that is placed on anyone who adopts views that goes against the grain and not in line with the typical narrative is shocking imo. It’s not something I subscribe to BUT many “conspiracy theories” labelled as such tend be based in some truth depending where you choose to get your information from. Maybe you need to learn that it’s ok to have differing opinions and views on the world without placing labels on and judging others.

I’m short others are allowed to think differently from you. Even your own mother.

A relative of mine has gone down the rabbit hole. COVID doesn't exist, chem trails, Michelle Obama is a man, paedophiles in Buckingham Palace, Satanism in Hollywood, social credits instead of money, the nefarious men ruling the world...

I just nod and change the subject.

OR maybe evidence and facts exist and 2 plus 2 do not equal five?

Sorry for the dripfeeding, I have quite a lot of work. But I really want to get all this off my chest, I appreciate it might seem that I'm unfairly judging my mum. However, as I'll explain, her beliefs are quite extreme. I'll give the rest of the background as I think it's relevant to understanding & maybe (!) getting her back to reality.
I'm really grateful to the kind advice, it means a lot as it's hard to discuss irl. To the posters supporting conspiracy theories, when I give more detail you will see that this isn't a matter of healthy scepticism but has really snowballed.

@cupcaske123

Actually the Satanism in Hollywood might be real, although maybe not widespread.

Anton Szandor LaVey was the founder of the Church of Satanism. If what his daughter says is true, then there's elements of it that reminds me of Scientology and how they seem to make sure that celebrities are involved in order to endorse the religion and get members to sign-up. They never got their Tom Cruise type figure, at least not in public, but I think Marylin Manson might have known LaVey. Sounded like a bit of a club where some celebrities joined if they fancied themselves to be subversive in the 80s or 90s.

I'm not exactly sure what people are talking about with regards to social credits, but there is such a thing that currently exists in the U.K, and the Labour government are a fan and have pushed this for over a decade. It doesn't work on an individual level, but multi million pound contracts are currently being won in the U.K where a type of social credit system is a factor, and sometimes is the main differentiator between companies. Some people are very uncomfortable with the whole idea of it, and I can understand why.

Some people believe in extreme things because believing in bad intent is easier than believing in incompetence or coincidence.

For others, it's the other way around. They would rather believe in incompetence or coincidence but it's just too unsettling for them to believe in ill intent, especially at the top of society.

If you're going to disagree strongly on it, then I think it might be worth avoiding conversations about the topics if you can avoid it, or simply change the subject.

This goes beyond a few people. My relative believes everyone famous in Hollywood is a Satanist and they have all done a pact with the Devil.

They are also always going on about all these men who rule the world who want to destroy Western society. Apparently Tom Cruise was the Queen and she was really dead.

Starmer is going to introduce a communist dystopia. Something about Starmer flying drones over gardens to increase Council Tax. I can't remember the details of the social credits, it's a bit like the Handmaids tale I think. Something about getting rid off all money and only having credits.

Doctors are all liars trying to kill you with drugs. My relative also has a big food stash for the apocalypse. There's more but I seriously just switch off.

Hotpotato, I respect my mother v much, but this doesn't mean I have to respect all her beliefs. She has had a very difficult life which gives her a skewed view of people, her life experience is exactly the problem. I obviously don't have adult experience but people my age can assess things rationally. And many of her beliefs are just absurd and negatively affecting her life and mine and gran's, as I will explain.
It's not really a matter of let other people have their opinions, it's got too extreme.
manova, Thank you, your post was really helpful. I get about not attacking the content of the beliefs and empathising, I try to gently persuade when she's going a bit far. Sometimes I think fact checking or countering w logic for some ludicrous ones will help, but probs it doesn't. It feels unhealthy to have so many extreme beliefs, but if it didn't affect her life day to day, I'd just ignore. The problem is it really governs her general way of thinking now. Distraction seems to work best, I don't try and challenge it a lot, and I guard my boundaries bc it's all v stressful

@cupcaske123 Oh I see.

Haven't heard of getting rid of all money. There had been some anxiety online over the social credit system in China. I don't know that much about it. I can only comment about what I know is happening in the U.K due to the industry I work in.

I don't know about the social credit system in China, I'll have to look into that. Perhaps it's something like that.

Continuing the other bit of background about my mother- she came in to my room one day unusually worked up. She'd started reading Twitter and was convinced that she'd found the answer to my uncle had become so nasty. His wife spent time on Thailand as a kid, and they'd recently sold their flat in Malta. My mum read some stuff about trans women there and then trans ideology movement and decided that his wife was a trans woman, and member of some sort of trans cult who want everyone's money.

I myself am v gc, but this really got out of hand and the material she was reading seemed to say all trans women were child abusers. I do get on 1 hand why it made her so angry, as if the wife were a trans woman, they would've been lying to my grandparents etc and she wouldn't have a let me alone w a natal man she didn't know well, as she did in the early years, if she'd known. But the evidence for her being trans is really flimsy. It mainly boils down to her apparently masculine face and figure,( according to my mum, not me) and 'male energy', which basically seems to mean being aggressive & brash. (my mum hasn't had a good experience w men, my father was her only major relationship).
Anyway, she became obsessed that this was the reason for my uncle being so nasty, as if he's not a grown adult responsible for himself, but a helpless trans cult member. She works as a freelance tutor, and the stalking meant she cut off most of her friends to protect them, so he was her main source of support. So I really get wanting to absolve him. I eas really upset too. But it got really extreme, she was constantly preoccupied w research on alleged trans cult to come to terms w uncle's betrayal, which spiralled into countless other conspiracies. She became really vulgar for a while, constantly swearing and talking about alleged fake genitals. I had to tell her to restrain it. ( It might sound odd for soneone my age, but I hate swearing. I think it triggers me bc my mum you used to swear a lot when I was young & there was upset around the court case.)

She pored over old photos, finding evidence for the trans cult everywhere. One was where the wife pointed at my grandfather in an odd way, one finger out and the rest in a fist, at age dinner table. He was ill w prostate cancer at that point, & my mum interpreted it all as about phallic symbols & mocking him. I just thought the wife was probs being unpleasant, but this was a leap too far. And this sort of stuff became increasingly common.