To ask what your husbands/partners are like with the children?

[Sofia45]

I just wanted a bit of input from othere about how their husbands/partners are wilts the children?

I am on maternity leave I have a job part time my husband is the main breadwinner and pays all of the bills. I pay for my own phone bill, pet insurance, some food shopping & bits and bobs for the family.

We have a 13 year old and a 6 month old, there is so much of a gap because I remember how difficult it was the first time around and how little support I had and here we are again. I do all of the night feeds, he doesn’t even stay in the same room so not to be woken up. I clean the house, I do the washing. I pick up all of the responsibilities for the children. Whenever I have something planned my husband will have the baby but I will do everything before I leave so the baby is in bed.. Whenever he has her I just feel completely responsible still. Because he is self employed if he can’t answer the phone whilst he’s watching the baby it’s my fault; and I get it in the neck.i can never ever fully relax, I went to the toilet the other day and could hear him downstairs slamming things because he couldn’t answer an email. Am I expecting too much? I understand he is the one who pays all the bills so it’s important he is rested which is why I take on all the night feeds but I can never do anything without feeling stressed that I’m going to be given the cold shoulder when I return…. Even on the weekends where he could help more he goes and plays sports which leaves me alone again… incredibly frustrated. Are they all like this?

No this isn’t normal. I would talk to him and if things don’t change I’d plan my exit.

Definitely not normal! We have a young baby and can’t imagine DH being like this.

He is currently out with youngest giving her a couple of hours driving practice ... test next month.
Has always been a hands on dad, he's not helping me, he's doing what needs to be done... for our family.

I cant believe you actually believed him. Men like this never change and now you are trapped there unable to leave because you have a baby. I hope it was worth it.
My first husband did nothing. He couldn't even be trusted to watch DS whe I went to the loo. He was absutely useless.
So I left as soon as I could and didn't have any more kids either.
He didn't pay CMS and he didn't bother to see DS either after the divorce.
I decided one child was all I could manage on my own.
I suggest you tell your H in no uncertain terms that it will be a divorce situation if he doesn't keep his promise to you.

Oh OP I'm sorry to read this. Not all men are like this, but you knew that.

Honestly, I would be having a serious conversation with him about this and that if things don't change then you will be leaving and don't let him think that you wouldn't be able to due to finances. If you are married you will be entitled to somethings especially if you have up your career to support his by looking after the house and kids.

Add to this from around 10 weeks pregnant he just stopped being affectionate altogether, hasn’t touched me affectionately for months. We haven’t been intimate since then. I genuinely have no idea what his finances are like, we don’t have a joint account, I’ve no idea what he has in his bank… he has property I don’t know about. The more I talk the more stupid I feel 😂

My husband is not like this… I sleep with baby and do night feeds. Husband sleeps in separate room. He is self employed but because he has such a physical job I think it’s important he is well rested as don’t want him to have any injuries/accidents at work etc caused by lack of sleep etc.
Husband pulls his weight during the day though when he’s back at work he looks after baby, cooks/clean/laundry/bath and bedtime (we take turns or do them together)

I’ve always done nights as I bf and he had to work. That didn’t particularly
bother me. Going to do sports at weekend would. I’ve had so many bad nights after 3 kids I no longer sleep in room with dh as he wakes me up going to bed and leaving. I’ve just had 3 children away for 8days while he stayed home and worked. Now I want to work tomorrow and he’s pissed off. I’d be far happier on my own but I don’t think my children would be very happy.

This is good to hear, it gives me strength and makes me feel validated because no, I don’t think this is normal! I just feel terrible for my littlest that she won’t have what her brother had growing up…but it’s better to leave now before she remembers I think… how would I even afford to go through court etc?

My mother and father split when I was young and my life was definitely better for it! Go and be happy! Says she, who is miserable 😂

If you don't know anything about his finances, then you keep quiet about divorce whilst you do find out about his finances. It's a long marriage, if he has properties accrued after you started living together, then they are half yours. Do some digging. You may find you'll be absolutely fine financially.

Could have wrote this myself….my partner is the main earner and is completely shit. Hes good with DS as in playing with him etc when it’s on his terms but I do all the care and hard stuff and take care of the house.

Sorry I hate to say it, but if he was useless the first time round and tiu didn't talk about specifics before having the second, then I don't see why he will be any better

Why do you need to go through court?

Mine was exactly like that. As soon as ds arrived he started treating me like his house keeper. It was as if he thought the 'deal was done'. That he had acquired an unpaid domestic for life. All affection and respect ceased overnight.

He didn't get up at night once, never dressed ds or took him out. He looked after ds 7 times in the first year - each time while I went out for an hour to get my hair cut - but he was very much 'doing me a favour'.

He went to the pub with the boys on Friday evenings, played tennis Saturday morning and pub Sunday lunchtime with the boys.

But I didn't tolerate it for 13 years. I spent 2 years trying to sort it out, then ds and I left. The sad thing was ds didn't even notice his daddy wasn't around any more, he had so little involvement.

You aren't expecting too much.

No they're not all like that although there's definitely plenty who are. I know that my brother is very very hands on and involved, much more than my own partner. My DP rarely helps at night, he has on occasion but he is the deepest sleeper that I've ever known so he won't wake up unless I'm really really forceful about it usually. He helps a lot with the housework and chores and has no problem changing nappies but the admin side of raising the kids, e.g.keeping on top of appointments, groups, etc is very much down to me. I'll often have to ask him to do certain kid related things because he wouldn't think himself to do it, he'll always do it when I say though but just wish he would realise or think himself sometimes. So he's far from perfect and sometimes I get really pissed off at him, particularly if it's been a rough night and he's slept soundly through it all, but he's not the worst and he does try.

I couldn’t live like this, nor would I want my children to think it was normal.

OP there’s a getting ducks in a row checklist somewhere on mumsnet, I’d use sometime to do just that.

Telling you my situation won’t help, but I will say that if I was away for a week the kids and house would tic over as normal. Maybe even a bit better as I prioritise fun over house shit more than he does.

It’s always been 50/50 for us and for my friends.

Mine has never been anything like that.

Mine is not like that, since the day our little one was born he has alternated nights with him and we take it in turns to sleep undisturbed until 8am in the morning (I'm still on maternity leave and he works from home). Whilst I was recovering from birth he did absolutely everything and I basically just sat and bonded with our baby. Now I'm still on maternity leave so happy to take care of everything household related during the daytimes to free up our evenings, but at the weekends he will pick up any additional jobs that need to be done - last weekend he de-weeded the garden for example and he'll wash up evening after dinner, take out the recycling and bins etc. He also finishes work every day bang on 5pm and comes down and does the last two hours with our boy, including the whole bedtime routine. I'm very lucky, and I'm sorry your partner isn't pulling his weight as it must be a huge strain

No was 50:50 with me and my ex. The only thing I did was night feeds whilst I was on Mat leave as he would be up at 4:30am to walk the dog before work. But as soon as he came home he'd take the baby, go out for a walk, feed, change and bath etc. so no not all men are as useless as yours.

So when he's doing his stuff...sports ....he doesn't have to answer phones or emails or he couldn't do it....and that's your answer he's a selfish arse.
No not all men are like this but many humans will get away with it if allowed. If your going out leave getting kids to bed/ fed to him if your in the loo/ bath put in earplugs and let him get on with it....go on strike.

My husband is self employed and takes calls all the time he's not answering arse and if he can't answer because he's doing stuff he calls them back.

My brother vastly out earns his wife, and his wife 's role is waaaaay less stressful. She works 4 days a week. However he does every other night for their newborn and it was the same with their toddler. If he has to be away for work, he arranges that a gp will be staying over. He does Saturday mornings every week so his wife can pursue her hobby. He doesn't relate childcare to their respective working lives because they are his children as much as hers. Every night one person puts the children to bed and the other cooks and cleans. The toddler goes to bed early amd the cook and cleaner has a baby in the wrap while this is happening.

He thinks he is lucky she does 4 days and looks after their children on the extra day, and because she does so it is really important to give her alone time out of the house, because childcare is incredibly emotionally taxing because of the level of responsibility (absolute) and the way that children take up your whole attention without giving a shit about your timetable etc.

They do do a bit of give and take around if the other is ill, they will step up. They are both tired but they are in it together.

I think this is really how it should be when the children are little. It's so draining and they are both parents' child. My brother is clear that however demanding his work is, the control he has over his working life (I will do emails now, at 11 I will meet John, etc) makes it waaaaaay less demanding and draining than childcare