To ask what your husbands/partners are like with the children?

[Sofia45]

I just wanted a bit of input from othere about how their husbands/partners are wilts the children?

I am on maternity leave I have a job part time my husband is the main breadwinner and pays all of the bills. I pay for my own phone bill, pet insurance, some food shopping & bits and bobs for the family.

We have a 13 year old and a 6 month old, there is so much of a gap because I remember how difficult it was the first time around and how little support I had and here we are again. I do all of the night feeds, he doesn’t even stay in the same room so not to be woken up. I clean the house, I do the washing. I pick up all of the responsibilities for the children. Whenever I have something planned my husband will have the baby but I will do everything before I leave so the baby is in bed.. Whenever he has her I just feel completely responsible still. Because he is self employed if he can’t answer the phone whilst he’s watching the baby it’s my fault; and I get it in the neck.i can never ever fully relax, I went to the toilet the other day and could hear him downstairs slamming things because he couldn’t answer an email. Am I expecting too much? I understand he is the one who pays all the bills so it’s important he is rested which is why I take on all the night feeds but I can never do anything without feeling stressed that I’m going to be given the cold shoulder when I return…. Even on the weekends where he could help more he goes and plays sports which leaves me alone again… incredibly frustrated. Are they all like this?

I don’t think they are but mine was.

Past tense? Does that mean you aren’t together any more? And is this why 😂

I think you know they aren’t all like that. I could list all the ways my husband is absolutely brilliant but I don’t imagine that’ll help you feel better.

No, they’re not all like that.

i Hope you know not all dads / partners are like that. I did all night wakes whilst I was on maternity leave, apart from at the weekend when we shared them. But now I’m back at work, we share them. Same with household stuff, I did do more whilst on Mat leave but now we share things fairly equally. If you’re working part time, childcare and household should be split so you both get the same amount of free time. If you waited 12 years to get Pregnant again because he was so rubbish last time, I’m not sure why you’d expect much different. But you need to have a firm discussion with him about making changes

Mine is not and was not like yours. If he was I doubt I’d have gone on to have more kids with him.
He’s been an excellent father (sometimes a twat of a partner 😂) and continues to support them now as young adults.
He did the majority of night feeds once they’d switched to a bottle even though he was working and I wasn’t. He does all the cooking and made sure when they were weaning that he’d made proper nutritionally balanced meals making extra for lunches. He would get up with them early at weekends because he’s a morning person and he knows I’m not.
I could go on and on but I don’t think it’s especially helpful.
But not all dads are useless op.

No, of course they aren’t all like that.

Having a second baby with him was a mistake.

Correct not together!
He’s much more involved now he gets to part time parent. Maybe that would have been the case as they got older anyway.
Is that the reason? … probably indirectly as I used all my energy on DC & work so had none left for him. He had spare time so found a hobby (shagging someone else).

My dear old late Dad was more of a Dad than that. Much more. And there was four of us.

I can't compare with my personal experience but around me are some fantastic dads. One of which has full custody so does everything. Another who is self employed and works 6 days a week, despite this at the end of every day he returns home and helps with their 3 kids.
He's choosing to bow out every weekend. I may be in the minority but when he's still working and you're on mat leave it's fair for you to do night feeds. But you could nap during the day if he could spare a couple of hours of his time.

From this it seems he can get out and about no problem, but you can't use the toilet without him throwing a strop. How is that fair?

I'm pretty confused as to why you had another child together knowing it was going to be like this? Or did you talk it over and he said he would be different?

Two toddlers and my husband is as involved as me. They prefer me (as the mum, I guess) so I probably do a little more but I deliberately don't make myself a martyr. We established it from the start. With my first baby, I didn't change a nappy for a few days because he did them all.

A little harder if you've both let the pattern develop, but can you call him on it? You presumably both agreed to be parents to the children so both took responsibility. A baby is more than a full-time job so he needs to chip in for that reason alone. Plus, if you work part-time, he's not actually solely providing for your family so that's more reason he should help.

Exactly this, promised it wouldn’t be like that this time. We are now older, he had more free time etc. he’s happy to take her out on times so that I can shower and have 5 mins but it has to be his decision, he’s okay with it then. I’m pi off to be honest. I talk about the baby more because our teen is super easy! I think about leaving every day but I wouldn’t even know where to start, I’d have nothing

I ask others because I have a friend whose husband is just as bad if not worse and he doesn’t make me feel like I’m incredibly lucky. 😂 perhaps a little brainwashed

@Sofia45

Are you asking 'Are they all like that?' in the hopes that the answer will be 'yes' so you feel better about staying? Because no, they aren't all like that.

DH was brilliant with our boys. I wouldn't say it was 'exactly 50/50' when we were raising our sons but I never felt like all the weight was on me nor did I ever feel he was 'just coasting' (ie doing easy or fun stuff). In fact, in our social group I'd say that by and large the dads were pretty hands on, with the exception of one, and his wife dumped him partially for that reason.

What you're describing is a certain type of man, not all men. You've got one that thinks child rearing is women's work. His family were probably the same. It's pretty misogynistic and patriarchal these days when women are also expected to provide an income too.

I had one like this who did everything he could to avoid being involved in parenting. Work and his sport took priority over everything else. I ended the marriage. He could barely be bothered to step up on his access days. Hasn't seen our daughter for ten years now. It's not uncommon and almost impossible to change.

I’m with you. Mine was. WAS, I have left him now

You have a horrible husband.

Can you leave?

I think most of them are that bad. Even if the woman owns the house and makes most of the money, anything - and I mean anything - to do with children is women's work. They just genuinely don't think any of this has anything to do with them. Because it's not paid, it's not valued, and therefore not for men to do.

Screaming is completely unacceptable. I'm not surprised he talked you into having another once your first got older, he has you trapped again.

Mine did 50/50 nights from day one and as he is a teacher he does all the holiday childcare so I usually pick up the slack a bit term time. Both work FT but I can sometimes be flexible.

Absolutely not. Will never understand why some women put up with this shit.

Of course they're not op.

But even if every single father was as bad as your husband, how would that stop your life being miserable?

If you want to leave, and it would appear to be the sensible thing to do 15 years ago , then I'd start doing some research. How much equity you have, how much joint savings you have, how much joint pensions you have etc. the starting point is 50/50. How would life look like for you with your half, plus child maintenance?

Although be careful. Self employed men seem to be able to get away with very little CM, and according to stories on mmmumnset, nothing is done about it.

I had the advantage of having my son in Sweden. This meant DH got 6 weeks paternity leave when he was born and then 2 days per week paternity leave for a year on full pay. This meant he was a fully engaged parent from day 1. When he eventually went back full time, he really missed DS and couldn't wait to take over from me when he got home.