Mum saying she is going to ‘hijack’ my baby

[allatseawiththis]

Posting to make sure I’m not overthinking this, I think.

I’m expecting DC1 this autumn after a MMC in December last year. I’ve always had a strained relationship with my mum (I’ve felt she’s had a lack of empathy, boundaries etc. I had a long thread on here about her behaviour and about finding it hard thinking of telling her I was pregnant, which was really helpful).

She’s understandably very excited about her first grandchild - I’m trying really hard to see it as harmless excitement, but her choice of words today has made me really uncomfortable.

In trying to offer her small bits of information so she feels included (she’s said before that she doesn’t feel included in my pregnancy and claimed to family members that we didn’t tell her when the 20-week scan was - we did, I was sitting next to DH when he looked at his phone calendar and told her), I mentioned we were thinking of sending DC to a local childminder once he’s 12 months old or so, if we can get a place.

Her reply was ‘your dad and I will have to come up and pinch him from there one day. Hijack him.’

If she’d said ‘maybe we could come and pick him up and take him to the park’ or something, it wouldn’t have had the same impact, I don’t think. It was such a poor choice of words on her part, even trying to make allowances for her being excited. But our back story (whole other thread), it feels like a very disturbing thing to hear her say.

Am I overthinking this? Probably, at 4.30am 😄 sorry for rambling incoherence.

Hi hun, it sounds like she wants reassurance that she will be included and be able to look after baby. She sounds super excited and has probably not thought of her choice of words. Reassure her that she will be included in helping out and having time with her grandchild. Put boundaries in but tbh sounds like she is giddy with excitement and you are comparing her current actions with past behaviour.

A very weird way of saying it but going with that way alone I would take it in the same way where a grandparent saying 'where's my baby?' does not mean they really think their grandchild is not their child or I have known grandparents say to all their grandchildren individually 'my favourite grandchild'

Just an expression

I’d say trust what you know & your experience of your dm & give a lot of thought & practice to very clear boundaries from now on.
Phrases like over thinking & over sensitive are used to minimise & confuse/ hide bad behaviour. Gaslighting,
Read You Are Not The Problem.
Look after yourself & enjoy this time 💐

Or people could actually be overthinking etc. Gaslighting is one of the most overused fad words

Thanks both. The thing is, I’ve had 30 years of trying to ‘reassure’ her that her behaviour isn’t hurtful, and it is. I’ve been in counselling for the last 5 years at least, and on and off over the last 10 years, to try and piece together the damage her behaviour has done to me and to work out why she is like she is.

I don’t want to drip-feed, but really she was very unpleasant and scary towards us growing up. Being completely blunt, it was emotional abuse, even if it was unintentional - she couldn’t control her feelings and there was no room for anyone else’s feelings other than her own.

It gave me this kind of visceral reaction that I want/need to protect my baby from this, because I’m trying so hard to heal through counselling so I can break the cycle of what was done to me and be the best parent I can be.

If she was that bad then don't have her around your child at all

Ahahaha… “That’s a great way to end up in jail, Mum…” Pass the sugar.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5101254-how-do-i-get-over-my-mum-telling-lies-about-me?page=1

Here’s the previous thread about a lot of her behaviour. I’m seeing her ‘hijack’ comment in the context of all of this, which makes it hard to see the wood for the trees, I think.

thank you for all your replies.

I think it’s just making me wish I could have a normal conversation with her about anything, but especially about my pregnancy.

She feels she’s not been included, but I also feel like I’m really missing out on not having a ‘normal’ supportive mother/daughter relationship at this time in my life when I’m becoming a mum myself. Maybe her comment really reminded me that I/we don’t have that and that’s partly why it’s felt so ‘big’.

I remember your last post op.
Tbh I’m very surprised that you are in contact with your dm.
If she wasn’t related I think you would have blocked her by now.
From everything you’ve described your dm has huge mh issues and is certainly not to be trusted with your baby when she/he arrives.
You need to put yourself and your dh first. Boundaries in place and never allow her any say over your dc.

@allatseawiththis that sounds very hard. You're clearly trying to protect your child from your abusive mum because no-one protected you. Well done for putting in boundaries.

Do you have to tell her anything? Does she have to be involved? Her turn of phrase indicates a lack of respect for your boundaries. Seems totally sensible to see that as a red flag. You're perfectly entitled to go low or no contact if you wish, especially when you have a newborn and are both physically and emotionally vulnerable. Your mum won't like it, but you don't have to try to please her any more, given she's clearly not doing the same for you. Does it matter if she complains to family members? They've met her, they will know what she's like!

And I hope you can take comfort in your protective instincts for DC1, you are already a far better mother than yours was and you are not doomed to repeat her patterns. Take care.

I haven’t read your other thread but just wanted to say there’s no way she’d be able to remove him from the childminders without your permission anyway. There would be no hijacking.
However, you could tell her that you would be happy for her to take dc to the park on one of the other days. This may actually be true by then. It’s hard to imagine when you’re pregnant that you’d ever want time away from dc but that time will come even if only for an hour or so.

@allatseawiththis just read your other thread. You've had a really hard time with this woman. It's not your job to try to parent your mum, she has manipulated you very well. It is your job to protect yourself and your DC from harm, including emotional harm and including from your mum. No contact would be a perfectly rational and understandable choice.

I remember your other post @allatseawiththis. Cut her out. She’s toxic. Life is shortly going to become extremely challenging and tiring (but rewarding!) once you have a newborn. The last thing you’ll need is a toxic complication making your life even more difficult and sapping the joy you should be feeling in those wonderful days and months after your baby arrives.

Look after yourself and your immediate family first and foremost, your mum sounds just like mine, totally irrational selfish behaviour, it’s tough but you need to learn to step back from all the negativity, my mum would have gladly ruined my life if I had let her .. good luck

What do you hope to gain by keeping in touch with her?

You have no responsibility for making her feel 'included '.

This is your pregnancy, and your baby.

Include the people you choose, and who will support you.

I’m disappointed to read this thread after reading your last one. You’re still trying to placate her, keep her happy and head off her unreasonable behaviour. You’re also wishing she was a certain way. All of that is a massive waste of energy and emotion because she will not change.

I’m sorry you haven’t found the strength to go NC with her. I genuinely hope you find it.

You don’t need to include her in your pregnancy. Your growing a baby- not much she can really do as part of that process except support you which you know she won’t.

i think her language was extremely poor and all you can do is let her know how they hurt you, but you also know she won’t take that well… lean on others for the support you need and as far as protecting your baby from this cycle of behaviour goes, you will have to take it one step at a time after birth. But I think low contact and only when you or your partner are there is more than reasonable

So, given your history, I think you really need to trust your instincts on this one. The choice of words does reflect the inner thoughts and at best your mum sounds like a loose cannon, at worst emotionally unstable and untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, I associate with this closely. My MIL and DH had a very on off relationship because of her behaviour in his youth and there were long periods of NC and LC. Although MIL and myself never had crossed words, her behaviour during my pregnancy, and after it, has made us go NC altogether. Continually asking to have the newborn baby alone away from us, comments saying "we won't listen to mummy and daddy" etc. were early warning signs. Ultimately we want our child to know and understand healthy relationships so that she can distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable behaviour, trust her own instincts and fundamentally be safe are our major drivers. It really doesn't matter what anyone else says, if you can't trust someone with your child there is only one course of action, no matter who that person is.

Sending you best wishes 💐

OP I think one of the unexpected hard things about becoming a parent is the way it affects our relationship with our parents, and how it makes us confront our childhoods.

You are going to be responsible for a fresh, innocent little baby. If your mother emotionally abused you, she will emotionally abuse the baby. There is no way round that. There has been no big change, no apology. So, what you have to decide is whether or not you are capable of protecting your baby.

Your mother is who she is. Chasing a better relationship with her won’t change that.

I think the problem is the wording is about her taking control, having power, and pushing your boundaries against your wishes. It feels like she’s trying to reassert herself as in charge of the situation and ultimately make you powerless to her decisions for your DC.
it may have been clumsy but given the backstory, perhaps it wasn’t an accident.
nursery wouldn’t let dc go to anyone you’d not given permission for anyway so it doesn’t matter anyway but I understand why you found it jarring and I think you should trust your instincts with her, if you feel you need to protect your baby from her, it’s probably because you do. From everything you’ve said I wouldn’t want her near my baby at all

at some point you will have to realise that you won’t have the relationship with her that you want, and you can’t placate her, until then you’re going to keep running yourself ragged with an impossible task.

I can’t fathom why you have her in your life. There is absolutely no way she should ever have contact with your child. She’s not going to suddenly become a brilliant grandmother.
It is time to step up and protect your child from her. It will also protect you.

Come on @allatseawiththis, sort yourself out.

Thank you all so so much for your replies, especially so early on a Sunday.

I’m disappointed too - in myself and (still, after all this time) in my mum, because you’re right that I keep going back to her and expecting something different that she isn’t capable of giving, otherwise she’d have done it by now.

My sister was there with me when she said it and agrees that it was a very poor choice of words, in an eye-roll ‘what’s she like’ kind of way. I think I find it more sinister, to be honest.

I want to find the strength to stand up to our mum. It’s not ok that she gets to steamroller over our feelings with absolutely no regard for them or for the consequences of her words or actions, but that we have to tiptoe around her feelings (but that’s how we were brought up and so trained from a very very young age to do exactly that).

I read through the old thread again last night and on that thread, it really read like I’d found the strength or some kind of resolve to do something about her behaviour. She made this comment in the car and I was driving, and I just didn’t react because I was so stunned.

But you’re right that I don’t need to offer her information to placate her and I’ve immediately regretted it (again). If DC is able to go to that childminder, she is going to be on whatever kind of ‘absolute no no’ list they have re. picking him up (that will be easier for me to follow through with, because I can put that in place without mum knowing and without having to actually stand up to her face-to-face).

She made other comments yesterday about thinking we could all go to Centre Parks every year. Again, why every year? Why not say something like ‘do you fancy doing this when DC is here’? Why is her thought process ‘yes, I want them to commit to this every year’ - for how long? For his entire childhood?

I’m really concerned that she sees my baby either as some kind of toy or as her ‘second chance’ baby (even though she had two DC herself). But he isn’t that and I really do need to find the strength to protect him, even if I haven’t been able to protect myself.

Thank you again x

This, tbh.

This is what DH did with his own abusive DM within a few days of our first child being born over 6yrs ago. An abusive phone call when you have a few day old baby was the straw that broke the camels back and that was that. It's all been very difficult for him of course but actually it's been a much easier life without her in it. Also all her family know what she's like anyway so there was no worry on that front, most of them were already NC with her at the time and in that time period, the few people who weren't have become so, with the sole exception of BIL (and his DW isn't happy about their relationship since they had their own first child recently). Sometimes you just do need to protect yourself and most importantly your children.