Mum saying she is going to ‘hijack’ my baby

[allatseawiththis]

Posting to make sure I’m not overthinking this, I think.

I’m expecting DC1 this autumn after a MMC in December last year. I’ve always had a strained relationship with my mum (I’ve felt she’s had a lack of empathy, boundaries etc. I had a long thread on here about her behaviour and about finding it hard thinking of telling her I was pregnant, which was really helpful).

She’s understandably very excited about her first grandchild - I’m trying really hard to see it as harmless excitement, but her choice of words today has made me really uncomfortable.

In trying to offer her small bits of information so she feels included (she’s said before that she doesn’t feel included in my pregnancy and claimed to family members that we didn’t tell her when the 20-week scan was - we did, I was sitting next to DH when he looked at his phone calendar and told her), I mentioned we were thinking of sending DC to a local childminder once he’s 12 months old or so, if we can get a place.

Her reply was ‘your dad and I will have to come up and pinch him from there one day. Hijack him.’

If she’d said ‘maybe we could come and pick him up and take him to the park’ or something, it wouldn’t have had the same impact, I don’t think. It was such a poor choice of words on her part, even trying to make allowances for her being excited. But our back story (whole other thread), it feels like a very disturbing thing to hear her say.

Am I overthinking this? Probably, at 4.30am 😄 sorry for rambling incoherence.

While I agree with your sentiment completely - ouch. ‘Sort yourself out’ is pretty harsh wording to use towards a pregnant woman who’s been up half the night with her head spinning about this, having tried for 30 years to work out her mother’s bizarre and emotionally abusive behaviour.

I think it’s easy for others to say ‘go no contact’, ‘sort yourself out’ when you won’t personally have to deal with the fall-out. This is really really difficult for me in my real life. I understand that must make frustrating reading, but you don’t have to deal with her and you don’t have the emotional ties of her being your mother, the only mother you’ll have. That’s really hard to come to terms with, even after the experiences of her that I’ve had.

It’s really validating to post here and I’m grateful for the advice and solidarity and validation I’ve received, but I think that could’ve been worded more sensitively. I’ve been in counselling on and off for the last decade to try and ‘sort myself out’. Undoing decades of emotional abuse from the earliest age is a really long and difficult road. I’ve made a lot of progress but clearly I’m not there yet, as evidenced by keeping going back to her to try and try again.

Really understanding that she will never change and that my entire family is invested in keeping up her facade or her narrative is very very hard. I’m sorry that that’s frustrating to read, it’s incredibly frustrating and isolating to live as well.

Wow
what a difficult situation it sounds like your mum has deep very deep issues unresolved and maybe some trauma to her past that you don’t know about
mid say there’s not much you can do unfortunately I don’t think she will change and she may get worse using your child as a pawn in her game
if i was you I’d stay as far away as possible maybe it would be a good idea to move as far away as you can and don’t tell her!
sorry op probably didn’t want to hear that but I’d seriously be worried about your dc please don’t leave them alone with her ever
hugs and good luck you sound like you will be an amazing parent. please don’t let her spoil your happiness

I think she definitely does have some kind of massive unresolved trauma but you’re right that we don’t know and we’ll probably never find out what it is. I wish we could but she won’t ever open up about anything like that and she’s not capable of self reflection at all. I don’t think she ever thinks about her behaviour or the things she says and reflects on them - she’s certainly never ever apologised for any of it, maybe because she doesn’t see herself as in the wrong?

I understand what you mean about moving far away, but DH and I won’t be moving because we have a nice little house in a nice part of the country and close to his family (10-ish minutes from them and about an hour from my parents, which my mum hates). The local primary is lovely, all our friends are nearby and it’s a lovely place to bring up children.

So rather than geographical distance, the boundary has to come from me, I do realise that. It’s going to be painful for me and for my (birth) family, but it will be what’s best for my new/own family in my DH and DC.

Thank you to everyone who’s posted - I think it really helps to get this stuff all out of my head and into writing, to know I’m not going mad and that normal/rational people wouldn’t accept this behaviour or behave in this way themselves, if that makes sense. It’s really validating.

I can’t believe I’ve had to grow up with her as my mother. She’s so so damaged and nobody helped her, but she’s also done so much damage to us and she doesn’t care, she just wants what she’s ‘owed’. It’s so toxic.

That is a normal comment.

The issue is you don’t have a normal relationship and she isn’t a normal mum.

IMO, you would benefit from detaching yourself emotionally so what she says no longer matters.

You are hyper vigilant because of her previous behaviour, your previous experience. So this comment isn’t a problem but the whole relationship is.

Now, you can’t change her, you can only change yourself. So work out your boundaries and put systems in place so you know your dc will be safe and then…. Let it go.

Let it go, enjoy your baby. No need to second guess and overthink because you have it covered already. What she says doesn’t matter Because she is irrelevant, you have protected your baby. Grey rock all the way, stop caring what she says and does.

Ha! My mum is like yours. She won’t talk about that kind of stuff either except to say that people shouldn’t air their dirty washing in public, it’s awful the way people talk about that kind of thing now, her generation know better …. And a dark hint about the awful things she’s survived which she could go on about if she wanted.

It’s slightly amusing because basically she’s the victim, always, and anyone else having anything to worry about is detracting from her own ‘only victim in the village’ mentality.

Isn't having a baby a chance for a fresh life - for you and the baby. If she is a bad mother, one who is affecting you for a long time, just cut her off. You owe it to your child not to have her around. Your precious child is your focus. She shouldn't be dominating your thoughts at this special time.

Did you say on your other thread that her father was an alcoholic? Or perhaps grandfather, sorry if I’ve got the generations wrong. Wondering about past trauma.

When you become a mother I hope you become instantly protective and less likely to tolerate behavoiur that is not ok.
Believe me no one picks up a child without consent.

I am on a pick up list but had to show id .
Does she have some sort of personailry disorder?
I hope your partners mother brings some good grandma influence into the new family.
Better yet use your changing hormones into tge mox and put her in her place.

You've broke the cycle, whatever her trauma is that she allowed it to damage her children, you aren't doing that.

Both my sister and I managed to achieve it too, in different ways. She moved far enough away, but her first born had already been affected by our mother. Sister still sees mother once a month.
I went completely NC.

You don't have to play the game the rest of your family plays to pander to your mother. You will find your own rules and once you have your child, things years of therapy couldn't quite explain may become crystal clear or you might just find that it is easier to let go.

Can you use a different childminder than you have indicated? Your mother doesn't need to know anything and you will have the peace of mind she can't cause any problems with your childcare.

Your instinct to protect your baby from her will give you even more strength than you already have found. Don't be too hard on yourself that you haven't gone NC, you need to do whatever you think will work for you. No is a complete sentence though 💐

Just a turn of phrase, which had you got an ok relationship with your mum, would have just been brushed off with a laugh. I have a granddaughter due in two weeks. I told my dd yesterday that when baby arrives, I will be camping on her door step every day waiting for a cuddle and a glimpse of my dgd. Of course i won’t be (will absolutely let her guide how many visits etc), and I would hope she doesn’t take it literally either!

I read through the old thread again last night and on that thread, it really read like I’d found the strength or some kind of resolve to do something about her behaviour

I also got that impression and it’s why I said upthread I was disappointed. I’m sorry if that was harsh.

FWIW I think you have a really good grasp of the issues and you’re very clear-eyed about what’s going on - not only with her, but also your other family members and yourself. I would say the therapy has worked well.

But knowing what you should do and actually doing it are two entirely different things. It’s incredibly hard so be kind to yourself.

The thing about having your own children is that behaviour that you might have accepted/put up with suddenly becomes unbearable for you to allow your children to have to experience. Couple that with your mother wanting to spend more time with you because of your children - well, it can be like setting a grenade off in your head.

You may find going low contact is easier because you are doing it to save your child. You may find standing up for yourself comes more easily because you just don't have the bandwidth to be anything other than blunt.

Hi op, I can see how anxious this is making you at present but I wanted to reassure you that the dynamic changes massively when you become a parent. Your dm will have to (and likely will) behave herself and follow your lead if she wants anything at all to do with your baby. Just remain steadfast in your plan and she either plays along or gets left behind. Take deep breath when she says stupid things like she's going to hijack your baby and know that she cannot actually do that. In fact you never have to let her have the baby alone.

My experience of people with unresolved trauma will often react in fight mode to everyday situations. If you can understand it that way it might make it easy to ignore. My own dm does something similar.....it's a a sort of constant "don't forget me" type of dance because she is constant panic that no one loves her. The tragic thing is that her behaviour actually pushes people away.

This must be very difficult OP. I can’t imagine having to deal with someone like this especially your own mother. Have you spoken to your sister about your concerns? Does she feel the same way?
The wording of your DMs statement does seem alarming when taken in context with everything else. Try to be really clear from the beginning in regards to your DC. Anything that makes you uncomfortable be direct and call it out. Even if it’s over a family WhatsApp group like a PP suggested. Even if your DM denies it or tries to twist it just make really clear direct statements - ‘unfortunately that won’t be possible’ or ‘myself and DP won’t be able to support that’. Pretty blunt yes, but fight fire with fire. I would also repeatedly mention how DP supports and agrees with you as DCs other parent. Your DM needs to be reminded that you’re not an isolated little girl anymore - you have a support system of DP, DPs family and your friends and so does your DC. It is not all about her needs, wants and feelings.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

You could be writing about my mother OP. My advice to you is to decide on your boundaries and put them in place before the baby is born. She's likely to attempt to push her way into your baby's life and will see any kind of barrier as a slight on her.

It's interesting to me how characters like this behave any way they want, and are shocked when the consequences come.

My kids are grown up now, but I wish id have been able to keep her at arms length.
I've done it now, but she's an old woman and that now brings a new wave of guilt.

Yes that’s right. We don’t know what sort of behaviour she would’ve witnessed because of his alcoholism but that would definitely have been part of it.

We know she spent a lot of time with her grandparents because her parents both worked (my granny in a professional medical role which would probably have been very unusual in our area in the 70s), but beyond that we don’t know much at all. She’s always perceived her younger sister to have been the favourite and they’ve never been close, but that’s about the extent of what she’s shared really. She’s a very closed book about her own past and the little that we do know is what our dad has shared with us

I think it seems really likely that she has an untreated/undiagnosed personality disorder, yes - several posters said that on the old thread, I think, and I’ve done quite a lot of googling since and she does seem to fit the profile of something like BPD/EUPD, from the things I’ve read.

Yes, my MIL definitely has good grandma energy and hasn’t tried to interfere or ask prying questions or anything like that. She’s been really supportive in a kind of quiet way, which is very refreshing, and she does know a bit about what my mum is like.

My granny asked if MIL knew all about mum and when I said ‘no not everything’, granny said ‘good’, so it’s clear that we’re still supposed to be keeping this secret. I’m fed up of putting a brave face on it and pretending that everything’s fine - to protect my mum? From the truth about how hurtful her own behaviour is/has been? I was staggered when granny said ‘good’ about that. I spent my entire childhood never telling anyone what it was actually like at home.

No I totally understand that it’s disappointing and I’m genuinely disappointed by it all too (both in myself and in her).

That’s so true about knowing what you should do and actually doing it for real. Part of me is clearly still scared of her and is trying to manage or placate her.

A few weeks back, for some reason the topic of stairgates came up and she said that whenever I brought the baby upstairs or downstairs, I could also move the stairgate because then I’d only need one. That didn’t seem a very sensible thing or something I’d want to do while carrying or moving around a baby, which I did actually say to her, and oh my goodness, the outrage that I’d disagreed with her, even about something so minor! So to disagree or correct the ‘big’ stuff is definitely going to be scary. If we’re scared of her, we’re more likely to do what she wants, which is how she’s always wanted us to be, I think.

OP, I think you need to realise that nobody protected you, so now you have to protect your own child. It's awful and appalling that nobody did, but it's also the truth. Your Granny asking if your MIL knew and being glad she didn't... my God.

I think you have a right to decide if you want this person in your life at all. If it were me, the answer would be no. You have been abused. You have no duty or responsibility to keep taking abuse from anyone, least of all the person who was supposed to be your sanctuary adult. And you DO have a duty to protect your baby from abusers, too.

People say stupid stuff when they’re uncomfortable. My mother lived overseas when my first child was born and didn’t come to meet him until he was 2.5 and my second was 7 months due to being too busy. She came with me to pick them up from their nursery and told the key worker that if she ever hurt my children she’d ’hunt her down’ I was mortified and the young key worker very upset. It was a ridiculous thing to say, especially since my mother went on to not give a damn about her grandkids and hasn’t seen them in 15 years….

Please tell your MIL. If she's a good one, understanding what you're dealing with will help her help you.

Why would you keep on moving stair gates 🤣 Does she frequently say dumb things and then get annoyed when other people point out how impractical / unsafe / silly they are

It’s a tough one having read your previous post OP and I hope by writing things down and getting some feedback you feel a bit better.
What happened to you as a child has made you hyper-vigilant, and constantly feeling on the back foot to keep your mother happy and accepting of you.
She clearly has problems controlling her behaviour in every way, but is quite happy to try and control yours.
Keep going to therapy if you can.
It’s good that your MIL is a great support.
If you can’t go NC simply make sure your new baby has no contact with your parents without you there.
Have a feeling when your baby arrives you will be so busy, and I think if your mother tries to pull one of her tricks you will go nuclear - and about time, too!
So many of us return to mothers over again trying to get a crumb of something we need, and we rarely get it. But it’s in our nature to want a mother’s love.
My late mum’s mother was an absolute creature. Alcoholic, never worked, ran up debts, had zero empathy.
My mum broke the chain and did exactly the opposite in her life. She kept her mother at arm’s length around us.
Keep breaking the chain.

I can’t think of any other examples off the top of my head, but we’re all responsible for her feelings and not supposed to disagree with her/call her out ever.

I did a year of Russian at uni and once at the time my dad asked me what ‘sputnik’ meant. I didn’t know, and my mum raced me to google it, like she didn’t even hide what she was doing, she wanted to be the one to find out and say what it meant. Really childish behaviour from a grown adult, but I think it speaks to some deep-rooted insecurity that she has, maybe.