Mum saying she is going to ‘hijack’ my baby

[allatseawiththis]

Posting to make sure I’m not overthinking this, I think.

I’m expecting DC1 this autumn after a MMC in December last year. I’ve always had a strained relationship with my mum (I’ve felt she’s had a lack of empathy, boundaries etc. I had a long thread on here about her behaviour and about finding it hard thinking of telling her I was pregnant, which was really helpful).

She’s understandably very excited about her first grandchild - I’m trying really hard to see it as harmless excitement, but her choice of words today has made me really uncomfortable.

In trying to offer her small bits of information so she feels included (she’s said before that she doesn’t feel included in my pregnancy and claimed to family members that we didn’t tell her when the 20-week scan was - we did, I was sitting next to DH when he looked at his phone calendar and told her), I mentioned we were thinking of sending DC to a local childminder once he’s 12 months old or so, if we can get a place.

Her reply was ‘your dad and I will have to come up and pinch him from there one day. Hijack him.’

If she’d said ‘maybe we could come and pick him up and take him to the park’ or something, it wouldn’t have had the same impact, I don’t think. It was such a poor choice of words on her part, even trying to make allowances for her being excited. But our back story (whole other thread), it feels like a very disturbing thing to hear her say.

Am I overthinking this? Probably, at 4.30am 😄 sorry for rambling incoherence.

As a mother whose daughter is pregnant with her first I am horrified at what you are having to cope with. My job is to be supportive and give my advice when asked. That's all.

I would suggest that you stop worrying about her feelings. You can't control how she feels and no doubt whatever you do will be wrong.

Instead, treat her as you would wish to be treated. Tell her what you feel comfortable sharing. Just try to block out any responses she gives that overstep or try to guilt you. Smile and nod and carry on with your plans.

It'll take practice but freeing yourself from the need to please her will make your life loads easier.

OP have you looked at narcissistic PD? I know it’s banded about a lot but it might give you some answers. There’s lots of info on Narc mothers online. I could never understand my own mother and learned about NPD about 15 years ago. It helped me come to terms with it. I think your maternal instinct to protect your baby will also give you courage. I have no doubt my own mother would have tried to come between me and my DC/DH had she still been in our lives….the things she did/said when they were toddlers to try to cause division were crazy.
Sending you love OP, it’s bloody awful having a mother like this and very difficult to explain…..you can feel like you’re going mad! X

That specific thing just sounds like daft phrasing, so I think you’re overthinking there.

However she sounds like a PITA and it sounds like you dance around her too much. It’s none of her business when you have scans so just ignore that. Agree some arrangements for her to see the baby and ignore everything else.

Maybe think about a bit of counselling to work on freeing yourself from her emotionally. She might be annoying but it is your choice to let her into your head so much.

You say you are worried about her reaction if you disagreed on a big thing given how she is about little things.

My advice- don’t disagree. Just hear what she says. Don’t say yes or no. Say things like, oh really? That’s an idea. Oh ok. Right oh. Did you? That’s nice.

All flannel and no substance. Don’t give her anything to argue with. Be vague. When she sees you have two, ‘oh yes, thought it might be easier/it was a gift/DH decided etc’

Let it wash over you.

Haven’t RTFT yet (or your other one) so apologies if you’ve clarified but it depends on your relationship with her, and what she is like as a person.

If my Mum or Stepmum said this, I’d smile and say they were welcome to abduct my baby any time they liked! If DP’s Mum (who we are both NC with) said anything of the sort, I’d be phoning the police! She couldn’t look after him as a child so we’ve agreed that she is to have no access to our child, and she doesn’t even know I’m pregnant.

Hi OP. While they comment alone might be nothing, the pattern of selfish behaviour from your mum sounds like you're right to have your concerns.

This is your baby, not hers. It will be lovely to have her involved, but it's not an entitlement of hers to do so. It's not her baby. I think it would be wise to remind yourself of that when worrying about issues in parenting. She had her chance to be a mum. It's your turn now.

Also, highly recommend that you don't rely on her for regular childcare. It will become a nightmare. It might be monetarily free but will not be free for your emotional wellbeing.

Sorry, I’ve missed some posts and I’m just reading them back now. Thank you so much for your replies!

i can totally identify with some of her behaviour being a ‘don’t forget me’ thing - she has to be the loudest and the centre of attention, even in public or in company like with my ILs. When we went to look at my wedding venue, she arrived after me, my ILs and the venue owner, marched past my car where my dog was sitting quietly and shouted at us ‘THE DOG’S JUST PEED IN YOUR CAR.’

I was mortified in front of my ILs, and it turned out she’d made it up anyway?! Presumably just for attention, because she has to have everyone looking at her? She laughs the loudest, makes the most outrageous comments, etc. I think huge insecurity is at the root of it somewhere.

Thank you - yes, she had her chance (x 2, with me and my sister) and none of that went/has gone/is going very well.

100% agree about childcare. My DC will be supervised by me or me and DH when they’re with her. I know she’ll want them for sleepovers or on her own, but for what motive? The thought alone makes me really uneasy. You’re right that she had her chances (over years and years) and has never been capable of being the parent we needed. It’s really sad for everyone involved, to be honest.

Your mother has not changed since your own childhood where you suffered at her hands. Its not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way (her own parents did that).

If she is abusive and or too difficult/plain batshit for YOU to deal with it it the SAME deal for your child too. She will do not too dissimilar emotional harm to your child if given the chance to establish a relationship. Do not allow this to happen. Deal with all fear, obligation and guilt you have through therapy.

"100% agree about childcare. My DC will be supervised by me or me and DH when they’re with her".

I would reconsider this option because the harm can and will happen right in front of your very eyes; it can be a look. a pinch etc. Your child needs to be in the care of emotionally safe people and your mother is simply not an emotionally safe enough person to be around. And that is not your fault either.

When I was due to get married my mother fell out with me because I wanted the reception in a small modest hotel. She wanted me to have it in a working men’s club that I’d never been in! (She wasn’t paying so no idea what her issue was). She was furious and threatened to send invitations out for the WMC.
In the end she cut me off for 2 years as punishment. The wedding didn’t happen as my ex cheated on me and pulled out 4 months before anyway…..Mother was thrilled I’d been taken down a peg!

Grandparents do not get automatic access to their grandchildren just in case she starts on about "grandparents rights" or some such.

There is probably some hope in you that your mother will somehow behave better this time around with your child despite your own many experiences to the contrary. Toxic people like your mother become toxic as grandparents too. She should have no access to your child nor be allowed by you to form a relationship.

I think any jokes like that to parents are in poor taste, especially first time parents.

I didn’t read your previous post so this might not be helpful…. I would look her straight in the eye and say, “But then you’d never see him again.” In a - what a silly thing to do- tone.

Then I would gradually reduce contact to very occasional