Contacting the OW

[ncforthis2024]

Hi. I have another initial post on this but wanted to start a new one as I didn’t want to complicate it with another issue in the previous supportive and excellent advice.

In short - DH and his assistant having 6month long EA (no physical AFAIK - I’m pretty sure as she tells him multiple times how she can’t wait for it in her messages). He claims it was ‘nothing/she makes him sick/it was all for attention’ and has been begging/crying daily.

I’ve haven’t decided anything yet, just that I want him to move out (and I think he has agreed to this). My priority is the children (aged 3 and 4) and myself - starting with boundaries.

He’s been away for 2 weeks with work (not with her) since I found out so we’ve not even had a proper face to face conversation yet. He is back in two days. I’m dreading it, facing up to reality. m

I think if I do decide to try - I need answers to questions that he just won’t/can’t answer. I KNOW wise mumsnetters will tell me it is an absolutely terrible idea to contact the OW but I can’t shake it.

I would never ever stoop to her level. I don’t hate her and I’m not angry at her - I’ve really surprised myself. I feel literally nothing for this 20-something year old who has been duped by DH.

The main things I want to know: 1) How did it start (ie. feelings declared on drunken night out? Did DH ’show’ his feelings one day at work? Slow burn? 2) What were his responses to the nude photos she sent him. He just says ‘I didn’t say anything/I don’t know’ when I ask him.

I want to to message her (yes I have her number) and say ‘Hi, it’s XXs wife. I don’t hate you and I’m not angry. I’d like to speak as I really need some answers, if not for my sake, for my children. I don’t want to ask anyone at work or your partner but there are somethings I need clearing up’. I’d like to meet at XX at XX if you can.

*The reason I mention work and her partner is that I know everyone at work and I know some people know about the EA (probably more than I do) and in one of the OWs letter to my DH, she suggests she might tell her (ex?) Fiance about what has been going on because it’s ’killing hee’ - but I don’t know if she actually has.

I guess I’m looking for anyone who will tell me this is sensible, although I doubt that as I know it’s ridiculous. I know it could blow up in my face/block me/make me feel worse etc.

If I was 100% sure I was going to leave or stay - wouldn’t be doing this - but how do you bloody decide these things without ‘knowing knowing’.

Believe me, I’ve read so many threads like this, and similar to my original first OP and am practically screaming RUN and DONT DO IT but in reality, I’ve found it so much harder - as I’m sure we all have ❤️

Thank you if made it this far and I would be grateful for any advice or similar experiences x

The hug likelihood is that she won't speak to you or answer your questions. How would you feel if that were the case?

Keep your dignity and never message her. Either you believe his version or you don't. You do know for sure he isn't trustworthy.. So surely that =liar? Ltb and don't look back.

What makes you think has she been 'duped' by your husband?

Let silence be yr weapon. Hang onto your dignity. Good luck OP

It doesn't matter. You don't matter to either of them.

(Wise words from DM when I was in your shoes)

She is a known and proven liar- why would she tell you the truth? She lacks integrity and cheats on her fiancé. You are giving her too much credit. Why would she tell you the truth? She can’t even be truthful to her fiance.

If anything ask her fiancé, he may have seen messages etc or he may be able to access them.

The benefit from calling her fiancé is you will soon find out if the two liars are still in contact. If they are she will call your husband when the shit hits the fan.

How are you feeling? The book - Cheating in a nutshell may help you understand your emotions.

This is your chance to get a new life for yourself and your children. Let him carry the shame. Neither of them will be 100% honest with you. Free yourself!

He owes you the truth. He needs to “remember” and tell you want you want to hear. How can you carry on with him if he doesn’t even attempt to give you that. She can’t help you, no matter what she says. It needs to come from him.

I understand why you feel like this OP but please don’t.

This very young woman knows about you and she doesn’t care. Regardless of what lines he’s spun both of you.

She will almost certainly not give you what you want, she’ll show him the message and he’ll use it as an opportunity to tell her it ‘proves’ you’re a nightmare/controlling whatever BS story hes told her.

He is your problem to deal with right now

I agree with this.

Exactly this. You're collateral damage. Focus on getting yourself and your children sorted.

You won't get any truthful answers from her.

Or your h.

They are both expert deceivers and manipulators.

I would get a divorce asap. Shed this awful man.

OP - don’t message the OW.

You will look desperate and pathetic. Chances are she’ll ignore you. Her loyalty is with him not you and goodness knows how he’s painted you.

If she does speak with you, you’ll never know the truth. Her version of events won’t be the same as your ‘D’H and then you’ll be left not knowing who to believe, massive head fuck.

Your relationship is with your ‘D’H speak to him about it and take time to decide how you want to take it forward.

Whatever else you decide to do re. your marriage: do not contact the OW. Nothing good will come of it.

My EXH had what I thought was an EA maybe sex was involved initially when they met but because we lived in Edinburgh at the time and her in Keighley I know it wasn’t ongoing sexually but a continuous EA.
I called and spoke to her and she basically mocked me saying they were friends and wasn’t he allowed female friends. There was so many unanswered questions I wanted the truth from her as he was lying.
I too had very young children (2 under 4) She eventually got her brother in the police to call me to not contact her. I believed he was an officer calling and she had reported but i eventually found out he just called in his capacity as her brother and not in his role at work. It really pissed me off I didn’t do anything but tbh it was the beginning of the end of our marriage and I resent her and EXH for it all still. Meanwhile she went and got married to her then boyfriend who she has cheated on and had 1child blissfully getting on with her life. Whilst we or I never got over it because of the not knowing exactly what it was.
I'm much happier now with a really lovely man and wouldn’t change my life now.
However you decide to move on from this I wish you all the best, if you decide to give it a go with I hope he realises what massive twat he has been and even and the slightest sniff of you not trusting him again once the trust has been rebuilt give him no further chances.

Look…. All I’m saying is that if you don’t send this message to her there is nothing to stop you from using her number for every price comparison website, enquiring for double glazing from every glazing company in the UK, and signing up for all the newsletters from every religious sect.
“Are you looking to see if you can save on your energy bills?” Yes, why not. Here’s my number. “Are you looking for more information on our latest funeral plans?” Yes, please. Opt me in for all your marketing texts and calls.
No one would ever have to know. You can save face but also get a little bit of petty revenge 😈

Nothing to say DH is off the hook for the same treatment either.

You couldn’t trust what she tells you…if she wants your DH then she might tell you stories what he supposedly has done and said, even if it’s not the case

I think it’s very likely of you contact her, that she will collude stories with you DH.
if you are going to contact her it needs to be face to face, she needs to be suprised and shocked and then hopefully the truth will spill out!
I am sorry this has happened to you 💐

The only message you should send is one saying 'his cheating arse is all yours my dear'

I'm joking btw.

Do not send her anything, no good can come of it.

Thankyou everybody for taking the time to reply. I know you are all right and thankyou for making me see sense. ❤️ It is so so tempting but you are right, almost certain to feed worse whatever the outcome is!

"want to to message her (yes I have her number) and say ‘Hi, it’s XXs wife. I don’t hate you and I’m not angry. I’d like to speak as I really need some answers, if not for my sake, for my children. I don’t want to ask anyone at work or your partner but there are somethings I need clearing up’. I’d like to meet at XX at XX if you can. "

This is not a good idea. Why say you don't hate her and are not angry? It's giving your power away and trying to pretend you are ok when you are obviously not. And the "not for my sake for my children". Just no. It's dishonest. Of course it's for you.

If she cares at all she will just see it all for what it is. A hurt confused wife desperate for answers as to why her husband has betrayed her. You are just giving her all the power.

The OW woman isn’t going to spill conspiratorially to you, like some revenge chick flick.

She’ll back his version of events. Move on and get rid of DH.

I 100% would speak to her, yes. I spoke to the OW my husband was seeing when our marriage ended, and no part of me regrets that, even though it was a painful discussion and not fun in any way. If I had my time again I would be cooler, more rational, and ask different questions - unfortunately when it happened I was drunk and tired and emotional and asked few of the things I now wish I knew.

And for me it's years ago now, and I am not in the least still in love with him. But, he was a big part of my life, of course, my husband for 10 years, we grew up together, he is my daughter's dad.... And she is now to all intents and purposes my daughter's step-mom.... OF COURSE I would like to know how it happened, what he said, when they first shagged, did he speak about me, etc etc. Curiosity is an innate human trait - it's one of our defining traits as a species.

If you have the possibility of creating a situation in which she will speak to you, why wouldn't you do so, OP? Knowledge is power, after all.

You are right not to be angry with her, though. It's your partner who has betrayed you, not her. But keep a cool head, find out what you can. Be ready for the fact that she may not answer your questions, of course. And that if she does, those answers may hurt. And/or may not be the truth.

But better to try than to always wonder what she would have said......

I really do think your husband should be the source for information. My husband had a really shady past with his ex that was impacting our present. He masked and hid the true extent of it until I found out. I basically told him he had two choices the brutal honest truth )and I pushed and pushed until I was satisfied) or he goes. There was no negotiation on this. I told him if he lied, was caught out lying, or o felt it wasn't the full truth he was gone. I also insisted on having his phone and being able to check his phone whenever I wanted until I felt I could trust him. Again this was non negotiable.

He did all of the above, I got the full details, I was then able to move forward and now he has changed his phone password, I never check it because I do trust him. It takes time but it can change:

I really wouldn't. It's unlikely that she is going to be honest with you, especially if she is hoping for a relationship with your partner. I don't think this would bring you the answers/closure that you think it will. Ask yourself why you want to know the gory details of their relationship? You already know what you need to know. He's a liar and an unfaithful creep. He may not have actually had sex with her but this is still an inappropriate relationship with another woman - that's infidelity in my book.

I think you are looking for a way to minimise his behaviour and that is understandable. It's a form of denial.