Contacting the OW

[ncforthis2024]

Hi. I have another initial post on this but wanted to start a new one as I didn’t want to complicate it with another issue in the previous supportive and excellent advice.

In short - DH and his assistant having 6month long EA (no physical AFAIK - I’m pretty sure as she tells him multiple times how she can’t wait for it in her messages). He claims it was ‘nothing/she makes him sick/it was all for attention’ and has been begging/crying daily.

I’ve haven’t decided anything yet, just that I want him to move out (and I think he has agreed to this). My priority is the children (aged 3 and 4) and myself - starting with boundaries.

He’s been away for 2 weeks with work (not with her) since I found out so we’ve not even had a proper face to face conversation yet. He is back in two days. I’m dreading it, facing up to reality. m

I think if I do decide to try - I need answers to questions that he just won’t/can’t answer. I KNOW wise mumsnetters will tell me it is an absolutely terrible idea to contact the OW but I can’t shake it.

I would never ever stoop to her level. I don’t hate her and I’m not angry at her - I’ve really surprised myself. I feel literally nothing for this 20-something year old who has been duped by DH.

The main things I want to know: 1) How did it start (ie. feelings declared on drunken night out? Did DH ’show’ his feelings one day at work? Slow burn? 2) What were his responses to the nude photos she sent him. He just says ‘I didn’t say anything/I don’t know’ when I ask him.

I want to to message her (yes I have her number) and say ‘Hi, it’s XXs wife. I don’t hate you and I’m not angry. I’d like to speak as I really need some answers, if not for my sake, for my children. I don’t want to ask anyone at work or your partner but there are somethings I need clearing up’. I’d like to meet at XX at XX if you can.

*The reason I mention work and her partner is that I know everyone at work and I know some people know about the EA (probably more than I do) and in one of the OWs letter to my DH, she suggests she might tell her (ex?) Fiance about what has been going on because it’s ’killing hee’ - but I don’t know if she actually has.

I guess I’m looking for anyone who will tell me this is sensible, although I doubt that as I know it’s ridiculous. I know it could blow up in my face/block me/make me feel worse etc.

If I was 100% sure I was going to leave or stay - wouldn’t be doing this - but how do you bloody decide these things without ‘knowing knowing’.

Believe me, I’ve read so many threads like this, and similar to my original first OP and am practically screaming RUN and DONT DO IT but in reality, I’ve found it so much harder - as I’m sure we all have ❤️

Thank you if made it this far and I would be grateful for any advice or similar experiences x

I did this. I contacted her and was very nice as you’ve suggested being. She denied everything and I was no further forward. If I hadn’t contacted her I felt I would be going crazy wanting to know the truth, on the other hand I did and I still didn’t know the truth so again I was still no further forward.

I think that if she knows your H is married (I assume she does as his assistant) she probably won’t tell you anything. At the end of the day both of them are liars and even if they do tell you things it won’t be the whole truth.

My advice is if you feel you need to do it, for closure, then do it just don’t expect her to be honest even if she tells you anything that went on between them. The not knowing what has gone on is horrible, it can eat you up if you let it and my advice is to try not to fixate on this because is does you no good at all. You are the bigger person in all this, you’ve not betrayed anyone so you can decide what happens next.

You need to decide whether to try and work through it, in which case don’t fixate, or if you can’t move on then separate.

Sorry this has happened to you

And also, if she’s sending nudes to your H knowing he’s married, she’s not totally blameless in this. She’s not a nice person, so I wouldn’t expect anything from her to be honest. (Your H is also a twat obviously I’m just saying she’s not some innocent)

Honestly, I don’t think you’re going to get the answers you want.

She’ll either not answer, deny everything, play it down or blame it all on him.

You can’t believe what she says and you could end up having more questions and feeling more distressed than you do now.

Please keep your dignity. Chuck him out, move on. They can be their own shit show.

She probably feels like she’s in love with him. She’s never going to tell you - her loyalty is to him.

She’ll lie her arse off. Don’t do it.

She knew damn well he was married with kids. Dont let her age fool you. My 16yo dd knows very well not to do shit like this.

They are both lying cheating cunts.

And I’d put money on them having shagged. Sorry. Adults have sex.

You, understandably, have a need to know the truth. Unfortunately you likely cannot get this from either her or him. He can admit selected bits. But you can never know if you got the truth or only part of it. Generally, you will not get all of the truth.

You will have to decide what to do to go forwards.

Yes this, sure he cheated not her but seriously she is fully responsible for her actions too

Your mum is harsh but very wise.

If you can’t trust what he says anymore, the relationship is done. You’ll be worrying every time he’s late from work, every time the phone goes.

So, if you need to speak to her to verify what he says, there’s really no point as you are going to have to believe him hundreds of times when he tells you where he is, who he’s meeting, what he’s doing…

Wise woman.

Bad idea.

Re the photos - what do you think she is likely to say...."oh, your DH said your tits are much more perkier than mine...." - of course not. She's more likely to say (and lie if not) " your DH said he cant wait to play with them as yours are so saggy now you've had kids...."

Hmm I have a different take on it. A friend of mine did contact the other woman. According to her husband it was nothing, he just fancied her, was stupid, nothing physical happened, he didn’t love her etc. she felt so much in a daze with it all, feeling like she didn’t want to throw her whole relationship away, but like there was more to it and she needed to know. She did text the other woman. He had told a massive pack of lies. He said him and the wife lived separate lives, hadn’t had sex for years, were seperated but putting on a front for the children. He had had sex with the ow, he had said he loves her, and he’d said he wants to marry and have babies with her. It was a full blown affair full of deception. Dates they met for sex etc she could see the lies he’d told about what he was doing on those days. She was gutted but she knew the ow was telling the truth. The ow had ended it fully because she couldn’t believe how duped she had been. She confronted her husband and showed him the texts and he crumbled, he didn’t attempt to deny it, the jig was up. She left him knowing it was the right thing to do because he was a lying cheat that she could never build a real future with, it killed the “what ifs”. He ended up alone and she became friends with the OW. His relationship with his wife was in actual fact a normal one (apart from the fact he was a narcissist) regular sex, laughter, plans, but he was a controlling toxic bastard who gave silent treatment, would “go funny with her”- no doubt juggling other women and so she was always being put down and second guessing herself. That conversation woke her up to how evil he actually is. I’m not saying you’ll get the same result, I’m just offering a different perspective.

I would want to know what she had to say. You’ll be aware it may not be the truth, but I’d want to hear her side anyway. What you do with the info after is then down to you.

Bastards both of them OP. Neither are your friend or have your best interests at heart.

If he's not being completely transparent with you about what happened and is using the 'I can't remember' line you'll never get your relationship back on track. One of the things that will help you heal is knowing exactly what happened, him trying not to upset you (or covering his own arse), by not giving you a warts n all account of what happened just leaves you in a state of limbo - as you are now.

In your shoes I might contact the ow, but there's no guarantee you'll get what you want, it might leave you with more questions.

This is why an EA is often more damaging than a drunken one night stand. I always said after I found out about my now ex DH EA that I could have coped with a drunk ons, but the level of deceit and emotional energy he put into the affair was what ultimately led to the breakdown of our marriage. I also found out things further down the line that he'd kept from me and told me he couldn't remember that just kept opening up old wounds. He didn't give me all the facts and I spent 3 years of turmoil trying to get to the truth. Wish I'd just divorced him when I found out, I'd have saved myself 3 years of utter shit.

Your husband is NEVER going to tell you the full truth, just what he can get away with.
He is a liar and a cheat as is the OW.
Don't contact her, hold your head high, don't give her any power. If she is feeling upset about the end of the relationship she could be vindictive with hurtful lies.
focus on you. What do you want to do about your marriage and future.

My wonderful sister is 3 years on from an EA of her H, they stayed together, she is a shell of herself, her light has gone, she has attempted suicide, their marriage is appearance only. I'm the only one that knows. I wish she had dumped him but she loves him, go figure.

This is an occasion in which knowledge is not power, OP.

You think that ‘knowing’ is going to give you some sort of control over the situation. Actually, you already know everything you need to know, which is that your relationship is not sufficient for your husband, so he has looked for excitement, or self esteem or flattery outside it. The details are really irrelevant.

Now you have to decide what to do about this horrid knowledge, whether you want to accept ( believe in ?) his contrition and rebuild, or whether you want to dissolve the partnership and reconstruct your life. I don’t think some random strangers on the internet can help you make that decision, although they might offer you some insight into their own experience. What is for sure is that this rather stupid sounding girl isn’t going to be able to enlighten you.

I hope you can come through this, the turmoil is dreadful. 💐

I would hate her. She doesn’t give a flying shit about you or your kids.

If nothing else, you know she's not one bit trustworthy so there's absolutely no chance you'll get the truth anyway.

She's a proven terrible person and liar. Why would you expect her to give you any honest answers. She has no motive to even answer you (nevermind be honest) and plenty of motive to lie to you.

If you want answers, you need to ask your husband for them. Unfortunately he is also a terrible person and a liar, but he has at least a marginally bigger incentive to answer your questions than she does.

If you have more trust that the OW will answer your questions honestly than your husband, there is no saving the relationship.

No don’t contact her. Rise above her awful behaviour. Don’t let her have the privilege of seeing you care - she has no right to know anything about you.

She won’t tell you the truth anyway.

I would agree with the majority of people who have said not to contact her .

If you go to the Surviving Infidelity ( American but still good source ) that is the advice .

As others have said she does not owe you anything and will be unlikely to give you what you want .

This is also not the situation where she did not know he was married - she did if she was his assistant .

I can see it might be beneficial where the H has duped the OW about marital status , saying he was single . This is not the case here .

By contacting her you are only increasing any bond between them as they can then say - look she is "mad " or another derogatory/ insensitive term about you .You are not her priority , she may well still have feelings for your husband and she will do what is best for her - including lying .

I think the fact she sent nude selfies to your husband sadly means that there was probably more to the relationship than your husband is saying .It also says a lot about her .

Whilst not impossible ( if she was infatuated by him ) that she sent these without any encouragement from your husband . It is more likely that she did so when he had shown interest in her . This is not a random stranger to her , but her boss .

My advice would be at least to ask your H about the timeline and full transparency . Whilst accepting he will likely minimise and lie , he may not if he is feeling guilty . I would pitch this as you are reeling from what you are going through . You can't begin to deal with "it " unless you know what "it " was and the extent of it . This is really painful for you and you need all the facts as it is more painful to continue to be lied to find out more information further down the line .

I would also ask your husband to show you all the messages . Don't accept if he says these have now been deleted . If it's e.g WhatsApp , there are hidden folders , disappearing messages but if he has deleted them or archived them- they should be. recoverable .

This will be painful but you will at least know . When she sends the selfies in particular - how does he respond ( before and after ? ).

I would also try and get hold of OW's ex partner as this may be a useful source of information for you and you can share information .

This is an extremely difficult time for you . Your emotions will be all over the place . Surround yourself by a tight support network of friends / close family .
Prioritise looking after your own physical and mental health . This will enable you to look afar any kids that you have .
I would also really recommend getting individual counselling for you . If you are working and for a large organisation - they may have an independent free counselling service you can access .

This is not on you . You have done nothing wrong . Take care .

You will get no straight answers from her. You will probably get more lies and tie yourself up in further knots. You cannot trust a thing she says anyway. It would be better to not see this as a reflection of anything you have or haven’t done in your relationship and see it for what it is, an arsehole husband being disloyal and an insecure woman doing the ‘pick me dance’ with a married man to make herself feel less unlovable.

It Is difficult and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Say strong.

She won't tell you the truth and if you can't trust your DH to tell you the truth then reconciliation is impossible. It needs to come from him or not at all.

If you want to contact someone, ring her fiance. That way you are taking control rather than appearing needy and on the back foot. This will really put a bomb under her and make her realise that this is serious shit, and not just a bit of fun distraction at work, in an unreal situation. If she realised she might be lumbered with him living in a bedsit and having to see his kids every other weekend then she might wake up.
The two-pronged approach is to also point this out to him, of course. If he wants his nice family life to continue then he'd better stop seeing her outside work.

Don't do it, I'm not sure she would tell you exactly how it happened and answer your questions truthfully, after all she's been lying to her fiancé. I would keep my dignity and put that idea out of my head.