Contacting the OW

[ncforthis2024]

Hi. I have another initial post on this but wanted to start a new one as I didn’t want to complicate it with another issue in the previous supportive and excellent advice.

In short - DH and his assistant having 6month long EA (no physical AFAIK - I’m pretty sure as she tells him multiple times how she can’t wait for it in her messages). He claims it was ‘nothing/she makes him sick/it was all for attention’ and has been begging/crying daily.

I’ve haven’t decided anything yet, just that I want him to move out (and I think he has agreed to this). My priority is the children (aged 3 and 4) and myself - starting with boundaries.

He’s been away for 2 weeks with work (not with her) since I found out so we’ve not even had a proper face to face conversation yet. He is back in two days. I’m dreading it, facing up to reality. m

I think if I do decide to try - I need answers to questions that he just won’t/can’t answer. I KNOW wise mumsnetters will tell me it is an absolutely terrible idea to contact the OW but I can’t shake it.

I would never ever stoop to her level. I don’t hate her and I’m not angry at her - I’ve really surprised myself. I feel literally nothing for this 20-something year old who has been duped by DH.

The main things I want to know: 1) How did it start (ie. feelings declared on drunken night out? Did DH ’show’ his feelings one day at work? Slow burn? 2) What were his responses to the nude photos she sent him. He just says ‘I didn’t say anything/I don’t know’ when I ask him.

I want to to message her (yes I have her number) and say ‘Hi, it’s XXs wife. I don’t hate you and I’m not angry. I’d like to speak as I really need some answers, if not for my sake, for my children. I don’t want to ask anyone at work or your partner but there are somethings I need clearing up’. I’d like to meet at XX at XX if you can.

*The reason I mention work and her partner is that I know everyone at work and I know some people know about the EA (probably more than I do) and in one of the OWs letter to my DH, she suggests she might tell her (ex?) Fiance about what has been going on because it’s ’killing hee’ - but I don’t know if she actually has.

I guess I’m looking for anyone who will tell me this is sensible, although I doubt that as I know it’s ridiculous. I know it could blow up in my face/block me/make me feel worse etc.

If I was 100% sure I was going to leave or stay - wouldn’t be doing this - but how do you bloody decide these things without ‘knowing knowing’.

Believe me, I’ve read so many threads like this, and similar to my original first OP and am practically screaming RUN and DONT DO IT but in reality, I’ve found it so much harder - as I’m sure we all have ❤️

Thank you if made it this far and I would be grateful for any advice or similar experiences x

I commented on your other thread, @ncforthis2024. In your case I would not diminish myself by contacting this OW.

She has already been colluding with your H in his degradation of you via his list of your flaws and telling her that your intimate relationship has meant nothing to him for years. This after you have been on your knees with exhaustion from caring for 2 toddlers, helping to manage his medical condition, and fulfilling all of your other responsibilities.

He was duping you just as much as he was OW, and it’s not the first time — he did the same thing with another OW when the children were babies.

He is crying big crocodile tears and wants you to rescue him, and you have acknowledged feeling sorry for him. OW also has an agenda because she wants him, and her love letters prove that. You just can’t count on either one of them to be truthful.

If OW wants him she may well tell you a pack of lies to ensure you split. If you confront DH she'll deny. Who will he believe?
Whatever she tells you she won't tell you the whole truth. Neither will he.
Very much doubt they've not had sex.
Sorry OP, you deserve better.

You’re in the bargaining stage of grief and you feel like if you can just get the answers to XYZ somehow it’ll be better and you can carry on your marriage. You’ll get to the stage where you realise it doesn’t matter; the marriage you had is over. If you wanted to, and if he was willing to put the work in, you could potentially build a new one. People do. But if you don’t want to, or he’s not prepared to do the tough work then you’ll be utterly miserable if you stay. Whatever you decide, you will eventually be glad if you don’t contact her. Don’t let her see your vulnerability.