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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cant stay like this....I need to leave...we need to leave....but I have nowhere else to go.

52 replies

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 15:32

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lulumama · 15/04/2008 15:33

why can;t he leave if he is the liar and the cheat?

Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 15:33

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lulumama · 15/04/2008 15:35

ah, i see. i would go to teh CAB tomorrow morning, first thing and get some proper advice. do you have any family you could stay with for a while?
am sorry you are having such a crappy time

can anyone pay the money that you owe to the council?

callmeovercautious · 15/04/2008 15:36

Yes but they are your Children and you must have some rights. I am not very good at this but lots of posters recommend speaking to Womens Aid. Try googling the number and see what they say.

I didn't want to ignore you - I think I remember some other posts about him from a while back?

Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 15:51

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scorpio1 · 15/04/2008 15:54

can someone (family?) pay off the council for you? You sound very upset and TBH, he is treating you horribly with no respect. I can see you know this though.

Worth asking family or friend for loan?

Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 16:02

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Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 16:05

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scorpio1 · 15/04/2008 16:06

you won't loose her. The family services always try to keep the mum and child together, especially under the age of 5. He will get visiation if you cannot agree on access - do not worry about that at all.

I'm sure your friends would want to help? Yes others have problems too but its all about give and take, if they are true friends they will understand your request.

He sounds very hurtful - my DH used to use this family arguement against his ex (her parents disowned her)becuase he knows it rips her heart apart. Not because he is 'right' iyswim?

oliviaelanasmum · 15/04/2008 16:08

Knickers i had no idea you were having problems
Go to the cab asap, there has to be some help avaliable for you and dd. To be dragging up difficult circumstances from your past is nasty he obviously has no repect for you.
If there is anything i can do for you or c.j let me know, you have my email addy.
(((hugs)))

Citronella · 15/04/2008 16:13

" A couple of weeks ago we had a row and he called me scum and said that I was from the gutter and would always stay there. And because I dared to mention I didnt like the fact that his mum had said something about weaning dd he turned round and said 'oh yeah, and what has your mum done for us then???' knowing full well I havent seen/spoken to her since I was 14."

And you still love him?? He is not treating you with any respect at all. I would suggest a serious talk/ boot up the backside. If you can stay with friends/family for a while and meet him somewhere neutral you might feel stronger to manage the discussion. Plan your departure to look like a trip to the shops or something. Maybe have someone with you when you meet. He sounds like a bully and tbh however the discussion goes really ought to give you your answers as to a future together.

I really wish you the best of luck.

lulumama · 15/04/2008 16:17

he sounds a disgrace

you and your DCs deserve better

if you are scum and from teh gutter, tehn why is he with you? what a fecking arse

you have your whole life ahead of you,don;t waste it on someone like him, dragging you donw to his own level

there will alwyas be some reason for him to treat you badly... he can choose to be nice to you, he is choosing not to

take back the power and move on

soremummy · 15/04/2008 16:17

Why cant your dad help you out? Or can you go stay with him for a bit

ScoobyDoo · 15/04/2008 16:18

What a friggin arse he is being, he has no respect for you at all & i can see exactly why you want out.

If you can i would seriously get to a CAB explain the whole situation & see what they suggest.

With the council could you not explain you know you messed up but say you are suffering living with your now dp & you need to get away from him but have nowhere to go?

Maybe phone shelter on 0808 800 4444 they could tell you your rights with the council situation.

mellowma · 15/04/2008 16:21

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Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 16:25

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Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 16:36

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TimeForMe · 15/04/2008 16:46

I think at the moment he knows he has the upperhand, it's his house, he has control over the finances and he knows your hands are tied. I can totally relate to how powerless you are feeling.

Could you open a bank account of your own and snaffle a little money away if and when you are able to? Start saving for your escape I know it's not much of a suggestion but, when you are stuck in a situation such as you are it really does give you a feeling of regaining some control when you are actively doing something towards leaving. It may take a while but it gives you a goal, a focus and it does help to stop you from going under.

Also, Womens Aid will help you. Our local refuge has a floating support worker who is happy to meet face to face, they also run support groups. They will help you with anything you need to get away from this man.

Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 16:53

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itsahardknocklife · 15/04/2008 16:58

Knickers, you can apply to the council for housing. The (small) debt to the other council won't matter at all, I promise.

SpecialOffer · 15/04/2008 16:59

You could open a cash account. I am in debt, but am paying it all back and certain banks offer cash cards only accounts. So no overdraft or debit card.

I know Nationwide do one, as that is who I am with. Might help to get control of some money.

Original poster

KnickersOnMaHead · 15/04/2008 17:01

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MadameCh0let · 15/04/2008 17:04

Knickers, e-mail me if you want to chat.

[email protected]

I left my ex with a buggy and two kids. Different circumstances. My ex was an agressive bad tempered bully who had started to be agressive towards me. But I was in the same shoes as it was his house, I'd given up my job. I had no money, no family in UK. Things have not been easy but they haven't been awful either and I haven't regretted leaving for a second.

Itsahardknocklife, I applied to the council, but as I had a roof over my head I wouldn't have been housed for years and years and years. I would have needed to have left and gone to a hostel first.

TimeForMe · 15/04/2008 17:05

You are welcome. I would love to help you through this anyway I can. I have just gone through a very similar thing myself.

Can I just add, try not to be too intimidated by him, thats what he is relying on. He is bullying you into submission, so he thinks him telling you to go was a back handed comment, he doesn't want you to go, he is just too pigheaded to say it. He knew if he told you that you wouldn't be taking your DD he would be hitting you where it hurts and taking your power.

I would try to distance myself from him too, don't get into any arguments with him that he can use against you. This will give you a break from him.

I googled and found a local refuge and I emailed them for advice, they were brilliant and made me feel safe and less alone. I knew I had somewhere to go and someone to talk to if i needed it and that got me through. I think feeing alone and feeling powerless makes everything else seem so much worse. My P didn't seem quite so threatening when I had got all the advice and help I needed. HTH x

TimeForMe · 15/04/2008 17:07

Yes, I applied to the local council too and got the same response. Hostel or B&B.

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