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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is a lazy sod

53 replies

Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:03

I am at my wits end. My husband is the nicest person you could imagine and everyone loves him but about six years ago he had a bout of depression and took early retirement from work, since then he has done nothing and I mean nothing. He is still medicated for depression but he uses it as an excuse now. He doesn’t work outside home, he does nothing in it, he spends what he likes because he knows I come behind him making sure there is always money. I lost my mum a year ago and he now uses my grief as his reason for not leaving me- seriously.!!! He just sits and sleeps half the time, he doesn’t go to the dr because he says he’s fine. How can existing be fine? He has everythjng money can buy. Looks after nothing because he hasn’t worked his backside off for it. We have a nice home and life but unless I do it. It’s not done. If I say anything he sulks off to his man cave and I really am at my wits end. He thinks now because I don’t have my support anchor in my mum anymore that I am stuck with this but I really don’t know how much more I can take. We don’t have a sex life, all he does is watch sport on tv and pretends to be husband of the year. I work constantly, have my own health issues way worse than anything he has ever had and every single day I put my big girl pants on and get on with it. I know everyone will tell me to give him an ultimatum or leave but I have tried to in the past and the tears start and I feel so bad then. I can’t say anything to anyone because they don’t believe me, he’s always the best and they all love him and assume I am just an unreasonable madam. I feel stuck, fed up, frustrated and totally used.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2024 19:08

He’s not the nicest person. Other people will definitely realise how shit he is they just haven’t told you, and who gives a fuck if he turns on the waterworks? If you want to ditch the deadweight then do.

PickAChew · 09/08/2024 19:09

You can leave him, even if he says he doesn't want to.

Do nothing that benefits only him, in the meantime.

ActualChips · 09/08/2024 19:11

Divorce and enjoy life. If course he'll cry, it works by manipulating you into continuing to allow him to be a parasite. Just laugh at him.

pikkumyy77 · 09/08/2024 19:14

All this and no sex? You should just leave him. You will find that you tegain your health and verve when you are no longer stuck being support staff to an overgrown teenager.

MonsteraMama · 09/08/2024 19:18

All I see here is you worrying about everyone else, and not yourself. Worrying that he'll cry, worrying that other people don't believe you. Fuck them and fuck him! Think about yourself for a change, don't allow yourself to be saddled with a burden out of some sense of duty or obligation.

You think if the shoe were on the other foot he'd still be with you? Honestly?

Set yourself free!

LizzieBennett73 · 09/08/2024 19:28

The sad truth is that not a lot of men age well, OP.

Your choice is to sink into misery with him, or set yourself free.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/08/2024 19:30

You don't need anyone else's permission to divorce op... you only married him not everyone else.
Get your ducks in a row and cut the dead weight, live your life for you now, you only get one.

CecCeBon · 09/08/2024 19:31

Jesus fucking christ.

Kick him out.

End of.

cantdecidewhichisworst · 09/08/2024 19:32

Honestly- just get rid.

That absolute gut wrenching resentment that you feel every single day over any single little task will be gone. You will have so much more time and peace because you'll just get on with it.

You CAN get a decent sex life (should you want it) too.

Life really is too short.

Biggaybear · 09/08/2024 19:34

How old are you both? You say he's taken early retirement - has he taken any of his pension yet ? Do you have children at home ?

Original poster
Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:34

Thank you!!!! You are all saying what I think but am scared to say out loud which is just ridiculous. I am a grown woman. I am ten years younger than him. I need more than this. You are all spot on and just confirmed what I already know. I can’t do this anymore…

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 09/08/2024 19:35

You can leave him. Even after all these years.

Work out your house equity, pensions, savings and then go to a solicitor for a one off consultation. Once you know what is actually possible you can make a decision then.

I'm disabled, housebound most days but I am divorcing my lazy, selfish H after 40yrs together. It's not easy, it's soul destroying in parts but ultimately staying will be worse for me and i need to taste what freedom is like before I die.

Original poster
Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:36

We don’t have children. He retired at 48, he hasn’t touched his pension but can access it. We don’t have children because it was always assumed I was the issue and he wouldn’t get checked. I just feel so frustrated and angry with myself for staying this long

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:37

Pixiedust1234 · 09/08/2024 19:35

You can leave him. Even after all these years.

Work out your house equity, pensions, savings and then go to a solicitor for a one off consultation. Once you know what is actually possible you can make a decision then.

I'm disabled, housebound most days but I am divorcing my lazy, selfish H after 40yrs together. It's not easy, it's soul destroying in parts but ultimately staying will be worse for me and i need to taste what freedom is like before I die.

You are amazing!!!! I need to be this brave to. I feel so alone and every friend I have is shared so they don’t understand. To them, he is Mr Wonderful

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/08/2024 19:37

In the meantime, he doesn't get personal spends from your pot. He's retired so I'm sure he's got his own cash if he doesnt like it he can either get a job or leave

Tell this 'everyone' who thinks he's great that it's good they think that so one of them can offer to house him

DirtyCheeseBurger · 09/08/2024 19:39

Leave. He won't change

Original poster
Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:40

DirtyCheeseBurger · 09/08/2024 19:39

Leave. He won't change

You are spot on. I have tried for years. Why would he want to change when I have made everything so easy for him. The word mug springs to mind

OP posts:
Howtobekind · 09/08/2024 19:41

Why does it matter what other people think - they aren’t the ones married to him.

Seriously, why does that matter to you so much. Who are you living life for?

Original poster
Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:42

Howtobekind · 09/08/2024 19:41

Why does it matter what other people think - they aren’t the ones married to him.

Seriously, why does that matter to you so much. Who are you living life for?

That is a very good question. Why do I care?

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 09/08/2024 19:45

Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:36

We don’t have children. He retired at 48, he hasn’t touched his pension but can access it. We don’t have children because it was always assumed I was the issue and he wouldn’t get checked. I just feel so frustrated and angry with myself for staying this long

Crikey OP, was that enough to motivate you to leave? You must be boiling over with resentment. Which is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.

Original poster
Blossymoo · 09/08/2024 19:49

Summerhillsquare · 09/08/2024 19:45

Crikey OP, was that enough to motivate you to leave? You must be boiling over with resentment. Which is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.

Show quote history

You are so right. I feel like screaming most of the time. My mum was ill for ten years before she passed so I filled that void looking after her. To be honest now I’m looking at my life and thinking…. Why? Why have you done this for so long.

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 09/08/2024 19:49

ActualChips · 09/08/2024 19:11

Divorce and enjoy life. If course he'll cry, it works by manipulating you into continuing to allow him to be a parasite. Just laugh at him.

Walk away.
Have your own life.
👍

Pixiedust1234 · 09/08/2024 19:52

I'm not brave OP, but I was suicidal thinking this was all I had in life. I either died, took vast amounts of medications or found a way out. I chose life.

Start gathering your paperwork, look on rightmove for price/location and then readjust your expectations several times ahaha and once you are ready you tell him you are not happy, you know he isn't either and it's time to divorce, then go on your laptop at gov.uk and start the divorce for £600. You will need a solicitor/mediator for the financials so try to be amicable about it but think carefully about what you want to achieve. I could pay a solicitor £30k, have a lot of arguing and upset, just to get £20k of his pension. I might be legally and morally entitled to it but personally as long as I have a roof over my head and can pay my bills he can keep whatever, I don't care enough anymore. I just want out. You might have different wants, so decide if anything else can be compromised to achieve those wants, ie more house equity instead of his pension or furniture, or cars.

Good luck Flowers

MtClair · 09/08/2024 20:00

So if my calculations are right, you’re still young enough to start a family right?

Leave him.Build a life for yourself, a nice life Wo someone using you the way he does.

XChrome · 09/08/2024 20:06

He really is not a nice person. He's manipulative and selfish to the extreme. He's playing you so that he can have an easy life.
You can leave him. You're not obligated to continue to be his slave.