My husband is a lazy sod

[Blossymoo]

I am at my wits end. My husband is the nicest person you could imagine and everyone loves him but about six years ago he had a bout of depression and took early retirement from work, since then he has done nothing and I mean nothing. He is still medicated for depression but he uses it as an excuse now. He doesn’t work outside home, he does nothing in it, he spends what he likes because he knows I come behind him making sure there is always money. I lost my mum a year ago and he now uses my grief as his reason for not leaving me- seriously.!!! He just sits and sleeps half the time, he doesn’t go to the dr because he says he’s fine. How can existing be fine? He has everythjng money can buy. Looks after nothing because he hasn’t worked his backside off for it. We have a nice home and life but unless I do it. It’s not done. If I say anything he sulks off to his man cave and I really am at my wits end. He thinks now because I don’t have my support anchor in my mum anymore that I am stuck with this but I really don’t know how much more I can take. We don’t have a sex life, all he does is watch sport on tv and pretends to be husband of the year. I work constantly, have my own health issues way worse than anything he has ever had and every single day I put my big girl pants on and get on with it. I know everyone will tell me to give him an ultimatum or leave but I have tried to in the past and the tears start and I feel so bad then. I can’t say anything to anyone because they don’t believe me, he’s always the best and they all love him and assume I am just an unreasonable madam. I feel stuck, fed up, frustrated and totally used.

I’m not usually a Ltb person but in this case I see no downsides.

Boo hoo him.
Let him cry and look after yourself.

People think my asshole ex is Mr. Wonderful too. Few people supported me leaving him. Members of my own family were angry about it, even after I told them the horrible things he had been doing. These manipulative creatures are very good at making themselves look decent when in company. It's only in your home that they show their true selves.

The bottom line is you don't have to justify your decision to end a relationship to anyone. They don't have to understand. They do, however, have to accept your decision and keep their opinions to themselves. I had to go no contact with certain family members who wouldn't accept my decision until they relented and agreed to shut up about it.

Leave the prematurely ancient lazy arse and get out and enjoy life.

Doing a quick calculation he’s mid/late 50’s which is no age to have given up on life. I’m same age and still go to day raves and festivals.

You’re not 50 yet - you’ve got plenty of great years left. Be single, join hobby groups and local meet ups. Find new single lady friends - go on holidays, have fun nights out, enjoy life without this millstone hanging round your neck.

@XChrome , yep same here. My ex-husband, Mr Nice Guy to all and sundry, behind closed doors neglecting, self absorbed and totally selfish towards me and our child. The grief I got getting out from the misery that being married to the invisible man was unreal, especially as he was a high earner. I lost a lot of people, including my own family who backed him up but wouldn't swap the life we have now. He's gone through another marriage, hasn't seen his daughter for ten years. Mr Nice Guy my arse!

Waiting for the person who benefits from the status quo to change is futile. You crossed over from support to enablement a long time ago.

I can understand how your mums illness must have taken up so much of your headspace, that extracting yourself from your marriage would have just added to the mental load. It’s time to start caring from yourself and that means finding out why you chose to waste your time on someone who checked out of your marriage a long time ago. Find a therapist and reacquaint yourself with the woman you abandoned for the life you have now.

You've still got so much of your life ahead of you, only you can decide if/ when to start living it.

This.

You still have a good chunk of life ahead of you. Break free!

Why are you so fixated on what other people make of him or think. Even if it's true that they love him (and it might well not be) ot doesn't mean you have to stay with him. LTB

You say you put your big girl pants on but then you start crying. It can’t be both.

Sorry to hear you went through this too. It's awful to lose loved ones, but ultimately worth the price of getting rid of an asshole. Plus you get to see who really has your back and who does not. You then know who you can trust.
One of my daughters, my niece and one of my brothers had my back. I treasure them. Sadly, I am still estranged from my eldest child, who ghosted me when I decided to leave my emotionally abusive, cheating husband. I have no contact with my grandchildren as a result. It hurts, but being with him hurt more. I've just had to accept that my life is radically changed and make the best if it.
Glad to hear you are doing well now that you have left "Mr. Wonderful." Good on you. 👏

So he lives off your salary op but brings nothing to the table? Definitely grab your freedom with both hands

Yes it can. Having a normal emotional reaction isn't being weak or infantile. I cried plenty, but it didn't stop me from leaving a marriage. You need to go through all the feelings in order to heal, but not let them effect your resolve to improve your situation.

I know everyone will tell me to give him an ultimatum or leave but I have tried to in the past and the tears start and I feel so bad then.

Does he cry when you try and leave him?

You do not owe him anything.

He is taking the piss out of you.

He doesn’t like you, love your or respect you.
No one would treat their partner like this if they did.

You are still young OP.
Please don’t waste any more of your life on this man.
You don’t want to look back in a few years time and realise you’ve wasted even more if your life.

There will always be people who’ll think and say you’re leaving without a reason. Or they’ll say that people nowadays don’t fight for their marriage. Those people aren’t the important ones, it’s about you.

Please do get a solicitor and take their advice. Why? Because you’re already feeling guilty and you need someone tough to stick up for you and your future.

@Blossymoo my ex was thought of as a wonderful guy too. People only see what's on the surface though not what's happening behind closed doors. He behaved appallingly during the separation, and since. None of our shared friends have anything to do with him now.

I think a fantastic life awaits after you leave him in your dust.

OP at 38 you are still so young and you have been caring for your mum since you were 28.
Now you have a new elderly parent to care for.
Who doesn’t care about you.
Sorry if that sounds brutal but while he’s sitting on his arse all day and you are working yours off, does he give a thought to your wellbeing?
In crucial situations I ask myself - how would this person cope if I disappeared in a puff of smoke? He would have to get on with it.
You have no sex life and you are ‘assumed’ to be the problem re. kids.
What a load of balderdash.
As for other people ‘loving’ him all they see is the performance act which he conjures up.
As for the tears they are manipulative. Seriously depressed people cry at anything. They don’t turn them on to get what they want.
Escape this living hell and make your own life, OP. You deserve it.
As for children a few of my friends who ditched awful partners around your age all went on to have children. All happy now with new partners.
This man is more than taking advantage of you and you deserve better.
PS when you are leaving don’t give in to manipulation. Another friend of mine got the full works, including the suicide threats. When she finally left, and he continued he eventually gave them up and took himself on an expensive holiday and suddenly, was no longer suicidal. Do not give in to it.

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger, OP. Minus the sex.

Thank you so much for this. You are exactly right. Mum was a huge priority and grieving for her has been horrendous to but I haven’t neglected my marriage for my mum. I made sure he was always a priority but I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to and that is a huge step for me to admit that.

Thank you so much for your lovely message. You are exactly right. I guess I am a little afraid of the unknown but I am not happy here and he will never change. He doesn’t want to.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to add to this thread. I appreciate it so much. It makes my decision a lot easier when I feel that everyone is of the same opinion and I am not being unreasonable. Time to get my finances in order and my ducks in a row and then start living for myself. I just want to be happy

You are only 38!

38!

there used to be a joke “life begins at 40”

Set yourself a goal if being out and living fir yourself by your 40th birthday. Walk away free and clear and do all the things you put off for the ladt ten years.

You can do this!

Congratulations OP. Your new life starts now.
It won’t be easy getting used to remembering what you used to do for yourself when you’ve spent so long focusing on other people but as a divorced woman I can confirm it is wonderful to be single and living a life of peace.

Sad story but you can start a fresh one and have children if it is your desire. No sex and you are still there for what? Please at 38 you are still strong and get a partner who will value the hard working woman you are. Please make up your mind as there is no relationship in heaven between men and women. Thanks

This man has sucked all the joy from you...
Time to give him the heave ho and start enjoying life again.