How to manage when you and DP have different standards for housework

[Allelbowsandtoes]

Hi all
Really boring problem that's as old as time I know 🙄
Feeling pissed off with DP tonight, we've just has an argument about housework and me needing to nag him.

I won't go into the recent context as it's boring but basically the issue is that I prefer the flat to be pretty clean and tidy (certainly not show home by any means) and he's less bothered (although not as bad as some men I know).

We clean the flat weekly together - dusting, hoovering, cleaning kitchen and bathroom surfaces, bins, etc. Not a proper spring clean but decent. I then do top up cleaning in the week that he never does - I accept this because my standards are higher than his and he just doesn't care as much as I do.

However recently I have been feeling that he's not even pulling his weight despite me doing more, I then need to nag him which annoys him, but otherwise I end up just doing it myself which annoys me and I'll build resentment.

He's said today that his brain just doesn't work that way, he doesn't notice household tasks in the same way that I do and if I ask him to do something he'll do it.....but in his own time. He totally didn't get it when I pointed out that I shouldn't have to be the manager of the fucking household.

I guess I just feel disappointed. I'm a feminist and I didn't want to fall into the trap of my parents generation of being the one who does more around the house just because I happen to have a vagina, and yet here we are. DP is an equal partner in many ways but this is really getting to me. Equally, I do get that there needs to be some compromise as he wouldn't have this level of cleanliness if he lived alone.

Amy thoughts? How do you manage similar mismatches in your own relationships.

Hi. I have exactly the same with my DP! It's not so much a case of him being lazy, it's almost like he just can't plan and priorities. For example I will do dishes and clean work tops at the same time as doing microwave ect. He does it as one task at time.
When I first moved in together him he used hoover around clutter/ mess/ clothes on floor, instead of picking them up !!
I'm on mat leave at the moment had he has commented lots how clean the house is now and he openly reflected that he doesn't clean to the same standard as me but he is really appreciating a cleaner house!
I'm a cleaner by background so I actually made a cleaning schedule and I'm thinking of making instructions for each cleaning activity. He said he thought this was a good idea ( although he was a bit tipsy when we discussed it)! I thought it would be too patronising but he feels it would remind him what a full proper clean looks like!

We have a similar mismatch and our solution was agreeing which jobs are for which person and how often they need to be done and we just stick to that! It takes all the thinking out of it and we both know what we’re responsible for and what days/when it has to be done, it avoids the “ah I didn’t notice/realise/think that was needed” x

That's interesting that your DP has even said he is appreciating the cleaner house! I don't think my partner notices that much when I clean so its not as though he's getting something out of it if you see what I mean!
Congrats on your new baby btw..... x

That actually sounds like a really good idea. We've stopped discussing it for tonight as I felt too pissed off and were going to revisit it when we feel calmer..maybe I'll suggest something like this. I'm absolutely not willing to be the person that has to tell him when he needs to do chores, no bloody thanks

He doen't see it needs doing.
You have to ask him to.
He then says he'll do it in his own time
You insisting is "nagging".
And he knows you will do it if he doesn't, so now he doesn't.

Google the article in HuffPost "She divorced me because I left dirty dished bynthe sink"

Thread after thread on MN complaining about this pattern of male behaviour. As predictable as The Script.

I bet he "sees" it if he needs to for a job, or if dinner hasn't been made, or if his laundry needs doing, eh? That excuse is so old.

I know, I think this is what bothers me....it's just such a cliche 🙄

Tbf he does an equal share of laundry and would happily cook equally but I genuinely enjoy cooking and prefer to do more of it.
But yeah, the cleaning......

What men don't seem to realise is that manly men are really fucking hot.

And when I say "manly men" I mean men that don't expect their partners to behave like their mum. So men who act like actual grown ups, who cook and clean and parent and pay bills and food shop etc, rather than little boys who expect a mum-type figure (usually the closest woman) to do it all for them while they play on their phone/do their hobby.

I (& most women) have zero attraction to boys, but we love a real manly man who can clean the bathroom without being asked or expecting a round of applause.

Why is that such a difficult concept for them to understand??

I was in the exact same situation, but like a PP he also liked it clean. He would basically complain it wasn't clean but wouldn't do anything. We broke up unfortunately.

I'm female and my ex was the tidier one than me. The house was clean, just not neat and tidy. It drove me insane when he insisted this needed doing or that needed doing. The house was bloody clean and it would frustrate me that he'd expect me to tidy to his standards, rather than him relaxing a bit more.

Obviously he's an ex, the final straw was when he tidied away a cup I was still using.

Can you allocate other tasks to him other than the mid week clean. For example, meal planning, laundry, bins, recycling, dishwasher, house admin, cooking, changing the bed, shopping etc Divide chores equally so that you're not doing more.

I’d get a weekly cleaner for a couple of hours if you can afford one. Similar issues here and it’s saved lots of arguments

Leave him to do all the cooking and food shop and you do the housework?

In all honesty - I just do it all. Admittedly I don’t work (health issues and inheritance etc long story) but dh just doesn’t “see” things that need doing. We’ve been married 15 years and I’ve just learnt that to have a peaceful clean home I just need to do things myself - if he does stuff it just annoys me as I feel I’ve got to do it again anyway. If we had a rota I’d be annoyed his eg bathroom clean wasn’t actually clean. So I’ve just given up with it all. In all fairness he doesn’t refuse to do anything and always says “why don’t you let me do stuff” but his doing stuff is just totally different standard to my doing stuff. Maybe I’m quite controlling really. I just know how I like things.

We have a similar mismatch. The solution was to not move into together until he had agreed to have a cleaner twice a week, originally he didn't want anyone in his private space.

This worked well until he became too mobility challenged (yes, it's real, been in hospital for weeks) so I now do the lions share of all putting away and do not complain when he leaves things out.

Some negotiation still required since some of the things he leaves out are in order to make it easier for him to get at them. I hate stuff left out but it is balanced by periods when he is back in hospital and unable to make any mess at all.

Still feels as if he has somehow won. And that my mother was right saying that you just have to accept that if you want it tidy, you have to do it yourself. I don't agree but somehow, that does seem to be how it has turned out. sigh

Could you give some examples of things you think need doing but he claims not to see?

One way to look at it is overall division of labour. Often it’s men just taking advantage, but if we assume that he’s not doing that, look at all household tasks and assign those to him which take an equal amount of time and emotional labour to the cleaning. This can be doing the finances, the shopping, the laundry, child care, the cooking, remembering birthdays and buying presents, dealing with the social calendar.

This is interesting, it's good to hear it from the other side too.
I'd definitely never take a cup away from someone who hadn't finished drinking 🤨

I just don't know if I can do it! Absolutely no judgement to those that do but seems mad to me when we're both able bodied, no kids so we have time, only have a one bed flat.

Interesting! If I didn't work I wouldn't mind (do your health issues make it hard for you to clean though?)
But we both work full time so imo we should solit chores equally.

This sounds like me and DH although HE is the clean one and I am not!

We have an agreement about who does what around the house and we generally stick to it. I clean the bathroom and do all food shopping and majority of cooking. DH does all the laundry including bed linen, he does all dusting and hoovering and he cleans up after I've cooked.. He also does all the jobs around the house, light bulbs, batteries, painting bits and bobs etc and mows the lawn and water plants. We do sometimes together have a spring clean but that's about it. We both work part time but I work a few more hours than him.
I think the dust and cobwebs get to him at times, but as I always say, if it bothers you so much then dust it!

We tend to tease each other a little about being untidy/overly anal about cleanliness but we rub along fine with it all. Way more important things to get stressed about than a few cobwebs IMO!

Stuff like hoovering mid week when I can see there's bits of crap (not literally) on the carpet. We have a light coloured carpet that we can't afford to replace. Or food around the hobs from cooking, crumbs etc on kitchen floor. Nothing major but bothers me.

Thanks....I'm glad that your DH is chilled and can have a joke about it.....one thing I will say about myself is I'm not the best at compromise on certain things and need to get better at it.
The idea of having an agreement of who does what sounds like a great idea, you're the second person who's said it's worked for them.

That's a lot of cleaning imo. A top to bottom weekend clean plus more in the week would kill me! A few crumbs in the floor ? I simply would not see that or if I did, be motivated to get the hoover out.
Crumbs and spills on the kitchen surface I'd leave til the morning while the kettle boiled.
I think you're at risk of damaging an otherwise good relationship by making an issue here. He cleans with you at the weekend. He's not a slob. You prefer a clean house and the midweek stuff you do for your own pleasure, surely?