How to manage when you and DP have different standards for housework

[Allelbowsandtoes]

Hi all
Really boring problem that's as old as time I know 🙄
Feeling pissed off with DP tonight, we've just has an argument about housework and me needing to nag him.

I won't go into the recent context as it's boring but basically the issue is that I prefer the flat to be pretty clean and tidy (certainly not show home by any means) and he's less bothered (although not as bad as some men I know).

We clean the flat weekly together - dusting, hoovering, cleaning kitchen and bathroom surfaces, bins, etc. Not a proper spring clean but decent. I then do top up cleaning in the week that he never does - I accept this because my standards are higher than his and he just doesn't care as much as I do.

However recently I have been feeling that he's not even pulling his weight despite me doing more, I then need to nag him which annoys him, but otherwise I end up just doing it myself which annoys me and I'll build resentment.

He's said today that his brain just doesn't work that way, he doesn't notice household tasks in the same way that I do and if I ask him to do something he'll do it.....but in his own time. He totally didn't get it when I pointed out that I shouldn't have to be the manager of the fucking household.

I guess I just feel disappointed. I'm a feminist and I didn't want to fall into the trap of my parents generation of being the one who does more around the house just because I happen to have a vagina, and yet here we are. DP is an equal partner in many ways but this is really getting to me. Equally, I do get that there needs to be some compromise as he wouldn't have this level of cleanliness if he lived alone.

Amy thoughts? How do you manage similar mismatches in your own relationships.

I also agree with assigning tasks, tbh.

I much prefer there to be tasks that are mine that I'm responsible for rather than the generic 'keeping the house clean and tidy' because that's just too big.

You don’t need to nag him (your words), you choose to.

I think it sounds like you like a really clean home perhaps to excess of most people’s standards (which is fine). We generally take repeonsibility for different rooms at the moment husband does downstairs and I do upstairs as he likes doing the kitchen and I like a clean bathroom. But we aren’t doing this twice a week!

I assume someone will usually have higher standards and mostly it's the female (though I've known at least a couple of men with VERY high standards). I just deliberately leave some of the more obvious, regular tasks for my husband like vacuuming, lawn mowing and washing (or I'll wash it but leave it for him to hang out) -- or childcare. I recognise that he just doesn't notice grubby walls, windows or DIY stuff so I do that myself. Sometimes I do have a little rant to myself at the same time over the more involved chores, like the oven which he exclusively seems to get dirty but which I exclusively seem to clean but it's not TOO annoying.

As I just had an argument with dh because he has stopped doing his agreed tasks completely (cleaning the bathroom and changing bedding), I feel your pain.

I also accept that on a day to day basis, I do more (although he is broadly v tidy and also does his share of daily cleaning up etc but if I don't tuen the rovovac on, it doesn't happen or if I don't wipe down those "extra" surfaces it doesn't happen).

What I said to him in this discussion was that it really upset me that we had an agreement that he wasn't living up to , especially as clean bedding is really important to me - I am peri menopausal, struggle to sleep at best of times and the night sweats make regular bedding change essential.

I get that he is never ever going to see that bringing cups from the lounge into the kitchen is only half the task - he puts them in the sink then later will load dishwasher while I just like to tidy them away properly from the start. Thisnsodt of minor thing I can let go. But the bigger issues are a sign of lack of care and disrespect.

He has apologised. Will be interesting to see of anything changes next week.

I’d do this in you shoes too.

I suppose you're right in that I choose to nag him rather than giving up and doing it myself, when I'm already doing much more around the house than him.

What would you do, out of interest?

It really is such a common problem 🤣
Hope you have a better week next week (and ongoing) x

I would not care. Even slightly.

But it matters more to you than to him!

I agree with the posters saying it's what you were used to growing up. DH has higher standards than me because he grew up in a tidier house than me, which was probably because his mum worked a few hours a week whereas my mum worked full time. We've been married for 20 years and we've managed to meet somewhere in the middle.