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Original poster

How to manage when you and DP have different standards for housework

61 replies

Allelbowsandtoes · 08/08/2024 19:57

Hi all
Really boring problem that's as old as time I know 🙄
Feeling pissed off with DP tonight, we've just has an argument about housework and me needing to nag him.

I won't go into the recent context as it's boring but basically the issue is that I prefer the flat to be pretty clean and tidy (certainly not show home by any means) and he's less bothered (although not as bad as some men I know).

We clean the flat weekly together - dusting, hoovering, cleaning kitchen and bathroom surfaces, bins, etc. Not a proper spring clean but decent. I then do top up cleaning in the week that he never does - I accept this because my standards are higher than his and he just doesn't care as much as I do.

However recently I have been feeling that he's not even pulling his weight despite me doing more, I then need to nag him which annoys him, but otherwise I end up just doing it myself which annoys me and I'll build resentment.

He's said today that his brain just doesn't work that way, he doesn't notice household tasks in the same way that I do and if I ask him to do something he'll do it.....but in his own time. He totally didn't get it when I pointed out that I shouldn't have to be the manager of the fucking household.

I guess I just feel disappointed. I'm a feminist and I didn't want to fall into the trap of my parents generation of being the one who does more around the house just because I happen to have a vagina, and yet here we are. DP is an equal partner in many ways but this is really getting to me. Equally, I do get that there needs to be some compromise as he wouldn't have this level of cleanliness if he lived alone.

Amy thoughts? How do you manage similar mismatches in your own relationships.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/08/2024 21:31

was going to suggest the 'she divorced me because I left my glass by the sink' article mentioned upthread.

But there is a simple solution. If he cant rely in his senses to 'see' what needs to be done, there need to be clear rules - like, the living room is cleaned once a week including dusting, cleaning skirting boards, hoovering, etc etc. On a daily basis belongings need to be cleared away, tidied up by such and such a time.

We all learn new things through life. The issue here is he doesnt give enough of a shit to learn this. And that is communicating a lack of care for your feelings. Men often ignore this - it is not that they dont know what bothers their partner, they just dont find it important enough to do anything about.

MapleTreeValley · 08/08/2024 21:33

I'm like your DH, I honestly wouldn't notice or care about a few crumbs as long as it's basically fairly clean. I agree with pp to allocate him a job that is obvious (eg laundry).

roamingcat · 08/08/2024 21:35

A small suggestion as we've had similar issues - on evenings were home together we do a quick 10 min tidy up /clean after dinner. If both of you are together you can actually get quite a lot done and it resets the house to being nice mid week!

LightFull · 08/08/2024 21:41

We had this issue because I bloody hate cleaning

I got a cleaner

kmr24 · 08/08/2024 22:04

It's the same for me also ...men are annoying haha!

greenwoodentablelegs · 08/08/2024 22:11

Here is what I would do

let him do all the cooking - useful if you have children. He can still do that.

get a roomba / eufy robot hoover

get a cleaner

make a rota

Pigeonqueen · 08/08/2024 22:12

Allelbowsandtoes · 08/08/2024 21:10

Interesting! If I didn't work I wouldn't mind (do your health issues make it hard for you to clean though?)
But we both work full time so imo we should solit chores equally.

Show quote history

Yes I can understand that. I do struggle to clean in all honesty. But I wouldn’t want to get a cleaner (too invasive having someone in and having to plan round them) and so I just push through and do it all myself. I agree our situation is different to yours in the work / home division. If I ever went back to work full time I think I’d still end up doing it all though!

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/08/2024 22:13

Are there things he does more of than you? I don’t necessarily think you need to be equal in every task, just equal overall so neither person feels hard done by. There are things I do more of and things my OH does more of. Overall I feel like we both pull our weight so I don’t mind. I can appreciate you might have simpler lives than us (we have kids, vehicles, multiple properties, lots of outdoor work that needs doing etc.) so perhaps he’s not making up for the lack of cleaning elsewhere but just a thought. My OH does everything car related and he’s also very good at bike maintenance (we both cycle). He’s not good at admin and I like spreadsheets, you get my gist. If I focussed on how much admin he did I’d get very annoyed but the bigger picture is ok. Are there other ways he does (or could) do more to make up for you taking the lead on cleaning?

HowlongdoIwait · 08/08/2024 22:46

I tried all sorts but in the end divorce resolved it and I now live in my own nice tidy house 😉

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 08/08/2024 22:47

Men manage to twist their brains into all sorts of new ways of working at work. I'm sure his brained can be trained to notice housework. If he wants to.

Treesnbirds · 08/08/2024 23:36

I feel the same. The older I get the more I see how much is weighted against us.
It's all so disheartening.

LoserWinner · 08/08/2024 23:51

Why does the OP get to decide what level of cleaning is necessary? It comes over as rather controlling to me.

Original poster
Allelbowsandtoes · 09/08/2024 06:37

anythinginapinch · 08/08/2024 21:27

That's a lot of cleaning imo. A top to bottom weekend clean plus more in the week would kill me! A few crumbs in the floor ? I simply would not see that or if I did, be motivated to get the hoover out.
Crumbs and spills on the kitchen surface I'd leave til the morning while the kettle boiled.
I think you're at risk of damaging an otherwise good relationship by making an issue here. He cleans with you at the weekend. He's not a slob. You prefer a clean house and the midweek stuff you do for your own pleasure, surely?

This is the thing though, I'm not asking him to do the midweek stuff, I know that's for my benefit so I do it all myself and wouldn't expect it from him.
It's just that recently he's being slack with the other stuff that we are both meant to do.

I appreciate your perspective though, I do get that for some people my level of cleaning would be too much. I find it really hard to relax in a house that isn't properly clean but maybe I need to learn to care less about it (how?) or stop making it DPs problem.

OP posts:
CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 09/08/2024 06:54

It’s the other way around in our house - DH has higher standards than me and also notices more that needs doing.

He grew up in an immaculately kept house and so anything that’s a bit messy or whatever drives him mad. I grew up in a much more “relaxed” home which was generally clean and tidy but sometimes a bit messy or sometimes some dishes waiting. I either don’t notice or maybe subconsciously it doesn’t matter to me all that much.

BUT I know it really bothers DH so I do try to be proactive about it, doing things when I notice. I don’t like feeling nagged so I know that I need to make the effort to do it myself.

Original poster
Allelbowsandtoes · 09/08/2024 06:59

LoserWinner · 08/08/2024 23:51

Why does the OP get to decide what level of cleaning is necessary? It comes over as rather controlling to me.

Part of me agrees with you to be fair. I really really struggle to relax in a house that isn't clean which is why I like it to be clean to my standards but maybe I shouldn't be making that his problem...
I do more cleaning than him though already, I'm just asking him to do the stuff that he's agreed to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allelbowsandtoes · 09/08/2024 07:01

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 09/08/2024 06:54

It’s the other way around in our house - DH has higher standards than me and also notices more that needs doing.

He grew up in an immaculately kept house and so anything that’s a bit messy or whatever drives him mad. I grew up in a much more “relaxed” home which was generally clean and tidy but sometimes a bit messy or sometimes some dishes waiting. I either don’t notice or maybe subconsciously it doesn’t matter to me all that much.

BUT I know it really bothers DH so I do try to be proactive about it, doing things when I notice. I don’t like feeling nagged so I know that I need to make the effort to do it myself.

Thanks, it's interesting to hear it from the other perspective and it's nice that you make an effort for your DH 😊

I think in our case it's about childhood influence too, my mum had a strict cleaning rota where we all had our part of the house that we had to clean every weekend and I guess I've taken that into adulthood. DPs childhood home was more relaxed I think.

OP posts:
GHSP · 09/08/2024 07:03

how I addressed this was divorce.

MitskiMoo · 09/08/2024 07:04

We have very different standards. DH (58) would happily live in a hoarder's hell-pit, making it a nightmare to clean. I clean the house except for his man-cave, where his treasures are relegated to. That's a shithole, whereas, the rest of the house is always guest ready. He He does other tasks such as the washing, washing up, cooking, bins, cuts the lawns and valets the cars, etc.
DC1 works compressed hours. He doesn't mind cleaning. He does a quick clean each day (he starts and finishes earlier). He does a deep dive on a Friday and his home is 'my clean' (no DC). He does it so he and his wife can both enjoy their weekends. He's left-handed and hates ironing. DIL does all the ironing.

MinnieMountain · 09/08/2024 07:05

Our solution was DH pays for a cleaner.

Mumofoneandone · 09/08/2024 07:17

My mum often makes a list of what needs doing and gets my dad to pick the jobs he's going to do! They also have a cleaner to keep the house generally cleaner and tidier than it would otherwise be!
We have a cleaner but I do bulk of house bits in between - DH heads up washing up/dishwasher and bins. Other bits too but with prompting!!!
Also try and get children - one of each - involved with cleaning and sorting

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/08/2024 07:22

I don’t know, OP. I’ve lived with DH for more than forty years, and I haven’t found out…..though he contributes more than me in other areas.

FWIW, I dont think it is completely untrue that our brains are wired differently in this aspect, I don’t think it is just an excuse for idle slobbery. My ‘solution’ is a bit like @MitskiMoo re the man cave. DH sleeps in his (health issues not sulking) which means that my bedroom is tidy except for the occasional clothes mountain. I go in there occasionally and give it a blitz in case he is taken ill.

my father was woman level tidy, though. He said that he was man level before, but five years in the Army during WW2 taught him to be clean and tidy (organisation and rules) and he never lost it. So maybe Rishi had something there, after all.

LittleLittleRex · 09/08/2024 07:34

Can he do the things he does see, like the dishes, and while he's doing that you clean the food off the hobs, for example. If you leave him the obvious things, it might feel more balanced.

I suspect the house is pretty clean tbh, have you tried leaving some of your extra tasks until the weekend to see if it's actually that bad? Also, you don't get the moral high ground about being the house manager, if you are the one insisting on a higher standard.

MsNeis · 09/08/2024 07:47

I agree with PP who have talked about assigning tasks to each other: if there are some tasks that are important to you or that you like done in a particular way, take them and assign others to your partner.
Also agree with a PP who has said that if you want things done your way, eventually you'll have 2 choices: do them yourself, or change your expectations.

Isthisit22 · 09/08/2024 07:55

Why waste your life cleaning and getting resentful of you can afford a cleaner?

at the same time, don’t fall for the ‘only people with vaginas can see dirt’ bullshit from you partner. How very convenient for men

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 08:08

My partner us the tidier one out of the two of us.

I keep the house generally clean and tidyish but I'm also quite happy to leave stuff out. I also have a professional job and manage quite well to do that so I'm not really sure why people always draw a correlation between having a job and keeping the house tidy!

I don't care if there are used mugs, an envelope or some crumbs. I also don't see it and I find it quite irritating when he tidies around me because I then feel guilty for not doing it but I also don't really care sufficiently to do it.

It's not that I don't care about him but if he wants the house to be cleaner and tidier than it is, he's welcome to spend more time doing it. It doesn't become my priority because it's his.