Can you come back from not wanting them to touch you?

[justkeepbreathin]

I have asked my husband for a separation and I'm agonising over it. He is begging for me to stay and to work on it for the kids etc. I've told him repeatedly how unhappy I am for many years, of course there have been good times and I do enjoy us as a family but it feels like there isn't a relationship between us really, not a genuine one. We've had so many years of muddling through, I see people in relationships/marriages that do have a romantic side and a part of me aches.

The thing is he is promising to work on all of it, the intimacy etc I just don't want to. I don't want to have sex with him. You can't come back from that, can you? I don't want to kiss or hug him, it doesn't feel right to me at all. It's not going to get better over time, he's 44 and I know that's still young in grand scheme of things but I'm 28 and feel I'm kissing goodbye to a sex life for the next 4 decades, or forcing myself through it. I don't want to pick a sex life, and romance over my kids stability but when you add in the tension between me and their dad, the arguments, the toxicity it doesn't feel like it's as simple as just me being selfish?

Can it get better? Can you come back from this?

No it can't and it won't. Stick to what your gut is telling you.

You don't want a sex life or you don't want one with him?

Sounds like you've already made your mind up. There's a big difference to not wanting sex and still being very tactile and loving towards each other and not wanting him to touch you full stop.

I don't want one with him. I'm just not sexually attracted to him

You don't need to ask for permission to separate. You just need to tell him that's what you're doing, He is nearly twice your age tbh, that would give me the ick.

Over the years this would really grind you down and you'd be a shell of yourself. Your kids do't deserve that. They need a happy Mum.

Then you need to leave if you can, you've been unhappy for years and it sounds like you've tried to discuss it with him.

From experience things won't change.

Got to get out then. It’s not going to change unfortunately.

You really can't

How long have you been together and how old are kids?

Better to do it asap

How old are the kids.
Did you meet him in your teens.

No, there's no coming back from this. I know he's hurting but he will also have a chance of a fulfilled and loving relationship with someone else when you divorce. He won't be in such a relationship if you stay together.

If you're only 28, get out now. I effectively gave up my sex life at 34 and am now 47 and worried that I'll never get back to just being an adult in a normal relationship. Don't let it drag on like I have, please.

I disagree.

i have. Takes a lot of time and effort on both parts.

we over came it as we finally got to the point of about to divorce and worked back.

my not wanting to have sex with him was down to the whole relationship being bad - fixing that gradually has led to more of a want BUT hormones etc it’s probablybstill not as much as he would like but it is better as are we.

op it sounds like you don’t want to have sex with him or try to fix it and if you have no desire to try then no you can’t come back from it

I know in my gut what the right thing is. It's just actually following it through is so scary.

If you have young kids, it can really kill a sex life. You could separate but there's no guarantee of finding a decent relationship. Especially now as you need to put kids first, it can be more difficult than you think, non committal men, or they have their own young children half the time, your kids have to like them too etc, don't mean to put you off but that is the reality, very few find someone else that's perfect. I'm 5 years divorced and still single.

So do you regret it? I just don't see how to go on without pretending, I don't think I can pretend anymore

It wasn't my choice, but although I was never physically that attracted to him I would of rather stayed married than the poor choice of men out there. However you must follow your gut instinct on what to do.

You say you’re not sexually attracted to him, but were you in the past? If so, is it worth throwing some money at some good counselling first? If you’ve never had counselling it can be hard to see what a difference they can make in a relatively short time if you are both there willingly.

And if he isn’t there willingly then that will tell you a lot.

Because you don’t seem sure, I would try something personally. The time might come when you feel that you’re definitely doing the right thing, and then you’ll feel confident to leave.

(I’m assuming no abuse etc.)

It just feels like its irreversible if I'm honest. The 16 years between us is a gulf and he can't stomach talking about it and it would definitely come up in therapy and he wouldn't take it well, I think that's why he shuts it down. It all felt different when I was 21. I wonder if I'm being too harsh, is this just life, but then I'm 28. There's got to be more to life than spending every day wondering if it's bad enough to leave yet?

The 16 years is quite a big gap, yes, and that’s yet another reason I’d recommend counselling.

If he can’t stomach talking about it then why did he marry someone 16 years younger? Is this just a generic ‘he won’t talk about stuff’?

He cant stomach talking about a 16 year age gap.
Sorry op but i have to say it when you meet did he love bomb you because you was young what ive read so far just makes me think perv.
Your young go live a life you dont need to be sitting with an old man he can find someone his own age.
Both be happy then.

I told him that as I've gotten older I find it difficult. I'm only 28 and already look at 20/21 year olds and they seem so young! I wonder how at 37 he ended up chasing me. Then I guess it was reciprocated and that isn't his fault. I just feel uncomfortable about it now, really. I don't feel we have much in common, we don't talk or laugh much, we just exist around the kids and I can't help but think there's got to be more than life.

He'd let me stay in a heartbeat, the kids would have both parents, we'd keep our nice house, our nice car, I wouldn't have any of the worries of how to find my own two feet - but then what? Just pretend this is enough? I've spent years doing that. I don't think I have it in me anymore

A 16 year age gap at 21 is huge. He was a fool if he thought it didn’t matter or could just be ignored.

What age did he start chasing you.

She was 21, he was 37.

15 years between me and exh. I am 53 and hell he's been dead 2 years.. Ill health. . I was 28 when we met. Big mistake. Best thing was leaving..