Can you come back from not wanting them to touch you?

[justkeepbreathin]

I have asked my husband for a separation and I'm agonising over it. He is begging for me to stay and to work on it for the kids etc. I've told him repeatedly how unhappy I am for many years, of course there have been good times and I do enjoy us as a family but it feels like there isn't a relationship between us really, not a genuine one. We've had so many years of muddling through, I see people in relationships/marriages that do have a romantic side and a part of me aches.

The thing is he is promising to work on all of it, the intimacy etc I just don't want to. I don't want to have sex with him. You can't come back from that, can you? I don't want to kiss or hug him, it doesn't feel right to me at all. It's not going to get better over time, he's 44 and I know that's still young in grand scheme of things but I'm 28 and feel I'm kissing goodbye to a sex life for the next 4 decades, or forcing myself through it. I don't want to pick a sex life, and romance over my kids stability but when you add in the tension between me and their dad, the arguments, the toxicity it doesn't feel like it's as simple as just me being selfish?

Can it get better? Can you come back from this?

When I was 20, we moved into together when I was 21 and he was 37.

I'm not saying it was predatory or anything, it was reciprocal and I need to take my part in that. I do think at 21 I didn't think about the long term implications, as there definitely are a fair few negatives of such a large age gap and they are all mine to shoulder, in the long run. If I was happy, and in love then maybe that would be ok. Better 30 years with Mr Right than 50 with someone else and all that. The problem is that I'm not even happy now, so it makes the future look so bleak.

It does resonate when people say young kids, marriage vows etc, make a go of it. I feel obligated to do that, but I just also feel so so so gone already.

So how old was you when you met him you say you moved in with him when you was 20 you must have known him a while before that.
So what is it 20 or 21 i dont get it.

I met him at 20. We moved in together very quickly, just after I turned 21.

Met at 20, moved in at 21

OP trust your gut and your happiness is important

Personally, I think it's predatory even if you reciprocated. I'm a 41 year old man, and work with a bunch of people in their early to mid 20s.

Yes, some of them are very attractive, and I like their company, but I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship with them, they just seem like kids to me. There's such a difference in power dynamic, just by virtue of age.

I have a very low opinion of any man who'd want a relationship with someone with that much age gap, when the woman is that young.

How old are the children. Couldn't stand the thought of having sex with my DH to a while after having kids but that did change and all back normal now

I can't imagine coming back from a position where you can't bear him having any physical contact with you.

Do you know why you went off him? With my EX it was the fact that he did fuck all around the house and expected me to be his mother. The resentment and the 'ick' about being intimate with someone I felt like a caregiver to killed any sexual feelings I had towards him.
It's also pretty common to go off sex after having kids as you are literally knackered and touched out by your children's needs.

Ultimately though you don't sound happy, you are young and have time to start again, even though it might be a few difficult years.

Gosh my daughter is 28 and is just planning her wedding with her soon to be husband 30.
I wanted her to live her life before settling down travel nights out friends dating etc just enjoy life.
I feel for you op i really do but everything you say about your husband makes me think what the hell was he thinking (awful man with a creepy eye).
Tieing you down at such a young age.
How old are the kids.
Put you first and be happy.

When you're 44 he'll be 60.

Follow your instincts OP. It won't get better.

A16 year age gap will always be a 16 age gap and you're likely to end up being his carer.

I came back from it but there's only a 5 year age gap between us and I'm much older than you, mid fifties. My dh was always an honest, decent man but I gradually went off him and we didn't have sex for many years. I was on the point of leaving him but I didn't want to end up alone and when I looked around at what else was out there (admittedly, I got most of my information on here, reading about the pitfalls of middle aged dating) and I then started to wonder if the grass might not be so greener after all. We started to make more of an effort with each other and the attraction we felt in the early years came back again. I realised he'd probably be snapped up very quickly if I left him and he started dating again and I thought about how that would make me feel. I began to wonder why other women might find him so attractive and realised that I still did too. We've both worked hard to make a go of it and are in a better place now, I've realised he's a good man, he's always got my back and that he loves me, all things that count for a lot. Your situation is entirely different and only you know the true extent of your feelings but I just wanted to tell you that the attraction can come back sometimes.

I think it was a lot younger then letting on.
And now she is seeing the wrong in it all.

I don't think that's helpful, raining. I don't want views skewed off an untruth. I was 20 when we met, and began a relationship. I was 21 when we moved in together. I do feel icky about it now, yes, but I'm not lying about our ages. I'd have nothing to gain from that.

Mumsnet is very pro age gap relationships usually but this is a classic example of why I think most of the time they’re a bad idea. I’m early 30s and I wouldn’t want to be shagging a bloke who’s pushing 50 either. Shame for the kids though ☹️.

Name changed

After the birth of my last and final DC, I didn’t have sex for two years.
I couldn’t even stand the thought of it and I would feel disgusted if DH even tried to hug me. I always felt it was just a ruse to try and get sex.

I was extremely tired and we argued a lot. Looking back now it’s obvious why (kids, slight depression, no sex etc) but at the time I thought it was because I hated him. That was the reason why we weren’t getting on. DH never put pressure on me to have sex ever, but the civilities between us went out the window. We were almost trying to one up one another. It wasn’t healthy. We weren’t laughing and joking either, mainly because I couldn’t stand to be around him so any attempt at humour just fell flat with me.

This absolutely wasnt done in front of the kids. It was just a background simmering tension.

What did I do? Well for some reason I decided to have sex. It wasn’t loving or passionate that first time but there was a slight thaw between us. Over the next two years the sex got better and our relationship did too. Until it was back to ‘normal’. That was 10 years ago.

So you can make it back but honestly, it took a long time to recover. That was 4 years of difficulty we had. But just wanted to share it can be done

Im 29 op having my first baby i couldent be with a man with that much of an age gap because as we age we change being in my 40s and a husband in is 60 id feel like his carer.
Sometimes after having children we can go off sex its normal.
But its sad that you missed almost all your 20s the years of finding ourselves.
And dating twats making stupid choices etc.
I know thats not what happens with everyone as life dont go that way for all of us.
We all deserve to be happy.
But the kids come first and you have to do whats right for you and them.💐

This is where I get totally stuck. How do I do what's right for me and what's right for the kids when they both are different things.

It’s not true to say that MN is very pro age gap relationships. Some posters are but many are not, especially in the circumstances you describe.

There are no good reasons for a 36 yo to be pursuing a 20 yo - it suggests a real lack of emotional maturity and probably a desire to be with someone who is easier to control.

Your own posts reflect that, at 20, you didn’t know what you didn’t know but you were just out of childhood whereas he was approaching middle age. It also meant you were on a rushed timetable. Instead of a footloose and fancy free 20s, you’re already married with children, probably at least in part because of the age gap between you: if you’d married someone your own age, you may not even have had children yet. So he stole your 20s. That’s on him.

As for doing what’s right for the children: some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents have separated but are co-parenting sensibly and reasonably. That might be something you can achieve.

Are the kids in school or pre school would that have to change if you leave.
Would you want to stay in the home and he can leave.
50/50 co parenting would have to be worked out for their sake.
Lots to think about but im sure you can do it.
Are you sure this is it no going back no feelings left for him.
Go with you gut small steps.

Why are they different things?

I grew up in a house with two parents who didn't love each other. They didn't argue in front of us, but me and my brother knew. I spent more than 10 years in a house with this constant low lying tension. It's not a happy place to grow up.

I wish I'd grown up in two houses with happy parents, or even one happy parent and an absent one. I wish I didn't feel the guilt that my mother hadn't spent a fifth of her life unhappy because she stayed with my Dad "for the kids". That really does a number on you. I wish I'd grown up learning that being a cheating bastard was something that got you dumped, rather than spending my early 20s emulating my Dad.

Staying together "for the kids" isn't really for the kids. It's because you're too scared to do what needs to be done.

It's only worth staying for the kids if there is some level of contentment or at least hope you'll get there.

Alot of us are questioning just to try gauge whether there's potential this can get better. Simply because it is going to be an upheaval. There's also the issue of meeting another man when you have kids and bringing them into the mix. This is usually traumatic on some level even if the guy is a decent person.

I don't believe you should live in misery feeling repulsed forever more either. Sexual attraction can go up and down. It depends if you have only felt this way after the kids and whether drudgery and hormones are playing a part. It isn't always easy to know if that's what's happening.

My 5 year old is just so sensitive and often refers to his 'family' meaning me, my husband and the baby. He asks for family days, or a family movie night etc. If I'm completely honest with myself I think he will struggle with it, and I hate that I'm taking that away from him.

It does feel a bit like I can't win, I've read possibly every thread on Mumsnet regarding divorce with young kids and it's so contradictory. You chose to have these kids and you have to put them first, if there's no abuse then stay and make it work. Don't stay for the kids as they will pick up on it and feel guilty that you were never happy because of them. Don't split whilst they are that young, 50/50 will be too much for them to handle and their dad doesn't deserve to lose them most of the time because you don't love him anymore. But don't wait until they're older to divorce because then they'll feel like their whole childhood was a lie.

What are people actually meant to do?

Would you want your son to feel trapped in a relationship with a woman who was repulsed by him, because neither partner was brave enough to call it quits? Most men need sex to feel loved, and crucially they want to feel that their partner wants to have a physical relationship with them, not that she is tolerating it for the sake of the kids.
Would you want your daughter to stay in this situation, feeling trapped with a man who she doesn't want to touch her, in order to avoid upsetting her kids?
Your children are learning what to expect from relationships by what they see at home. They will learn whether to expect affectionate, loving cuddles, or distant flatmates.
You and your husband can both find love again. He may well be snapped up by someone nearer his age.
If you are both good and loving parents, you can continue to be good parents separately. Just keep your eyes on the prize of happy, well-adjusted kids. You and your husband both deserve better than this relationship which has run its course.

I do think it's possible to rediscover attraction - lots of relationships hit low points and come back from that. But it sounds like you've come up the conclusion that he shouldn't have pursued you as a 36 year old man, that he's trapped you when you were too young to know better (even though you were consenting). That's hard to come back from. And if the physical attraction has gone, due to the age gap, that's never going to change.

I think in your shoes I'd insist on relationship counselling and I'd try to see if I could rediscover what I'd once felt. If only because it's easier to stay than go. Counselling would let you work through the issues and see if there's anything left to save. If he won't go, it's still worth going in your own, to work through the things that have given you the 'ick'.

Also worth taking some time to sort out finances, so you feel you have options and if you do go, to minimise the financial stress.

What are people actually meant to do?

Don't expect to get universal approval on Mumsnet for anything, for starters!
If you divorce when they're young, you have time to work out how co-parenting will look for your family, and they will find out easier to adapt to change.
Incidentally, the only people who seem to say "stay for the kids and make it work" are other people who have not left. It's very rare to find anyone who has actually regretted divorce. If you've got as far as the point you're at now, that's certainly not a whim. Some couples live in the twilight zone of being "divorced in spirit" until the kids leave home. You only get one precious life - spend it wisely.
https://www.drpsychmom.com/mr-and-mrs-just-not-feeling-it/