Can you come back from not wanting them to touch you?

[justkeepbreathin]

I have asked my husband for a separation and I'm agonising over it. He is begging for me to stay and to work on it for the kids etc. I've told him repeatedly how unhappy I am for many years, of course there have been good times and I do enjoy us as a family but it feels like there isn't a relationship between us really, not a genuine one. We've had so many years of muddling through, I see people in relationships/marriages that do have a romantic side and a part of me aches.

The thing is he is promising to work on all of it, the intimacy etc I just don't want to. I don't want to have sex with him. You can't come back from that, can you? I don't want to kiss or hug him, it doesn't feel right to me at all. It's not going to get better over time, he's 44 and I know that's still young in grand scheme of things but I'm 28 and feel I'm kissing goodbye to a sex life for the next 4 decades, or forcing myself through it. I don't want to pick a sex life, and romance over my kids stability but when you add in the tension between me and their dad, the arguments, the toxicity it doesn't feel like it's as simple as just me being selfish?

Can it get better? Can you come back from this?

"I feel like I can't win"

Well, no. Winning isn't always possible, sometimes you just have to work out what the best version of losing is.

If winning is spending the rest of your life in a fulfilling relationship with your husband, a nuclear family for you and your kids, then that's out of reach now, I think you already know that.

So which way do you want to lose?

Similar here. Fast forward a number of years (issues kicked in later). An older version of you. Older children but still one primary aged child. Similar age gap. Sometimes it does work.

Tried to re-ignite. It didn't work in my case. Wanted it to for the dc. Working my way out and have been doing for a while now. However, you have a baby so I would give it a bit longer just to rule out hormonal factors and see if things settle down.

So much conflicting stuff on here. And different factors. I have effectively been living seperately under the same roof for quite some time. The dc do pick up on it without a doubt. Which is the lesser evil, I've asked myself and I'm not too sure it is what I have chosen. I certainly wouldn't want this for my dc.

Do you have emotional connection? I think this is the biggest thing for me. It's lacking. A friendship from which to work from?

My mind is made up - it is just a matter of time now. However, it has taken a while to reach this point and I certainly wouldn't make a hasty decision especially with baby.

Wishing you the best of luck op.

What did you mean by toxicity in your original post? Like Paperwitch said are you friends or is the whole relationship rubbish? Was it honestly good before you had children? If it wasn't then it's never going to be good.
You are probably the person, or one of the people, who your children spend most of their time with so it is important that you are happy because it will affect them.

You have managed to put yourself in a rubbish situation, one you probably saw coming if we are being honest. And now here you are, 28 with two kids, living in a life that feels… beige. The truth? The decent thing for the kids, for him, and for you is to leave. The children do not need to grow up watching their parents coast through a relationship that feels half dead, and it is not exactly fair on him either.

You met him at 21, he was 37. He was the provider, the one paying for everything, and you knew exactly what that dynamic meant. Fast forward seven years and now you are surprised the magic has worn off? Why have children with someone if you were not fully in.

And then there is that line you wrote… “we would keep our nice house, our nice car, I would not have any of the worries of how to find my own two feet”. That is basically an admission you were in this for the security. Which is fine until you realise security is not excitement, and now you are wondering why you feel stuck.

Yes, you want more to life, and that is a normal thought. But more to life with kids often means less of the freedom you think you are missing.

Being a single mum is going to be even harder. Dating will be harder too. Your time will be limited, your energy will be low, and most men will not be looking to step into a father role for your children. Many will just be after sex and will disappear when it suits them.

So my advice is to leave and let him go. He will get over it. You will get to find your own two feet, but you will also find out just how heavy the ground can feel when you are carrying it all yourself.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

I just don't want to.

Well there's your answer really. Why would you put yourself through something you don't want to do.

And you say it wasn't predatory but you were 20. He was 17 years older than you. There's no way that relationship can go that doesn't have a predatory element, just because of the sheer imbalance in life experience. You're starting to realise that now, and that realisation isn't ever going to go away.

It's kind of gross, maybe you've grown up a bit now and realise he was a bit gross to do that

OP , while it is reasonable advice to try and put the kids first and make it work , where attraction has faded, unless there is actual abuse. It doesnt apply in your case, as the age difference is a red flag. You got together when you were 20/21 and he was 37. He should have seen this coming ? or talked about it more? or at least be willing to address the age gap elephant in the room now ?

At 44 , I would not have expected a 28 year old man to be attracted or stay attracted to me for the long term. ONS maybe or situationship/hook up whatever the 20 somethings are calling it these days. Marriage and kids and long term attraction no. It is clear that he has aged and your attraction has faded.

No you dont have to force yourself to starve that part of yourself, for the sake of the kids. Work on an amicable separation and cordial co parenting. Admit you got it wrong re long term attraction factor with this age gap. Only take your fair share of the responsibility for this though. He was the much older one and should have been much wiser. 37 year old wanting to marry a 21 year old and have babies rightaway ? Not really wise.

It will hurt him for a while , be kind to yourself and to him while separating affectionately but firmly - in the long run he may thank you, as 44 is not old at all for him to find someone his age to spend the next 30+ years with.

Obviously you do not have much in common :-)

Android phones did not exist till he (and I) were almost 30 - you had one from early teens . The list is endless. Yes compatibility , common interests and all of it matters. Its a best friend you want in a husband not a dad figure.

If I were you - and if he is a good /great dad to the kids - would give him 50 pc custody if he wanted it - and waive any maintenance payment too.

Would not ask for 50pc of his assets either. Perhaps just half of what he earned in the past 7 years - or the income you lost the past 7 years , managing his home and taking care of the kids. Just saying what I would do , to keep things fair and walk away with a clear conscience as you are already feeling guilt.

Just realised this is a zombie thread. Well, at least my advice a year later was the same, I'm consistent at least.

If you do happen to read this OP, I hope life has improved for you in the intervening year

@Bobbotgegrinch , Ha thanks for pointing out its an old thread, had not noted that !

Hope the OP did the right thing for her, and is doing well now ......

If you don't want him, divorce him. I stayed because I thought I should have and I regret that immensely (we are now divorced, but many years after I knew I Should leave).

You cant lie to yourself forever.
I think you know its over, but you feel bad for him. Hes middle aged and boring and you are still young and vibrant.
You dont get another shot at life, and breaking up with someone is rarely easy.

Dragging it out is no better though. You need to be clear with him. You dont feel the same way as you used to and your mind is made up.
You need to work out how to coparent now, but not as a couple

Probably should have been clear about that up front. Certainly before children and marriage.

In my experience no

Not a thread I expected to see resurrected when I came on here today! Almost exactly a year later which is crazy to see. Life is unrecognisable! Since the day I actually moved out, I have never looked back. I’ve got a lovely little rented house that me and the kids live in, they are with me half the time. 50/50 custody was a hard adjustment at first, but actually it’s given me a chance to be me again, to make up for all the things I didn’t do in my early 20s whilst I was with him. I’ve had a great time, and if anyone is reading this, and has seen one of the more recent posts about how hard it is going to be, honestly, it hasn’t been anywhere near as hard as a) being with him was, and b) deciding to leave. Yes money has been tight sometimes, but I work and universal credit tops me up and I can afford all my essentials, a small amount saved each month and some luxuries - I’ve managed to not get in any debt since leaving!! Co-parenting can be hard, but the kids are happy and have adjusted really well. Dating wasn’t hard, it was fun! I dated for a few months and have been in a relationship with a lovely, kind, attractive man my own age for a few months now, and have the best sex life I have ever had. So to anyone reading this, don’t force yourself to have sex with someone you don’t want to, don’t force yourself to stay for the kids, don’t worry about how hard it’ll be. Just do it. Be sensible, be structured with your budgets, but don’t waste your life in a loveless relationship/marriage. Honestly, if I could of had a glimpse in to the future, and seen my life as it is now, my home, and how happy I am I wouldn’t of been scared at all. I’d of done it years sooner.

Remember when you first go with him and people told you a 16 year age gap would be problem, yeah this is what that were talking about.

Great to hear your update OP, I hadn't realised this was such an old post when I it was resurrected!

If a Man posted he'd divorced his wife and missed half his kid's childhood because she was old and he didn't fancy her any more I'm sure he'd also be getting unfettered applause. Especially if he said how great the sex with his new younger partner was.

Yep he probably would. It wasn't just about the sex. They had lots of other problems and she hadn't been happy for years.
It would have been just as problematic if it was a much older woman with a young bloke. I am happy she is in a happier relationship what's wrong with that?

I agree.

Good for you, OP

I'm not talking about the OP, I'm talking about a hypothetical man in the same situation.

I was in a relationship with a great man but then the sex stopped.

I really tried to get him to talk about it but in the end I left.

I'm now with the most wonderful man for the past 4 years and we have the best sex and intimacy.

Life is too short.

Yes I got that 😏

So happy to read your update a year later!

Posts like this are so inspiring for others that feel trapped and can’t imagine everything will be okay. Well done 👍