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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never see man without dc

61 replies

SighOSigh · 06/08/2024 22:30

I’m in mid fifties. Divorced. Every second weekend and holidays child free. DC late teens. Started seeing DP two years ago. He was a single parent but his dc saw their mum and family. He told me he could drive. He doesn’t.

Fast forward. The mum is now off the scene and refusing to have the child. The family don’t have the dc. I feel really sorry for the child but I do not want to take on another preteen. I’ve done my child raising, including an adopted child. I never see my DP without DCs now. It’s not working for me. I need to end it but struggling.

Help me with the courage to end it? He will be devastated. It worries me

OP posts:
lastminpanic23 · 07/08/2024 22:31

This is sad. Presumably he's a nice guy and he has had to take his child on full time because its mother has abandoned it. It's hardly his fault is it? I totally understand that you're done with child rearing and of course you're entitled to end a relationship for whatever reason you want to. Can't help but feel a bit sorry for the chap and his child though. I'm sure neither of them wanted to be in that position.

SeulementUneFois · 07/08/2024 22:54

@lastminpanic23
But none of that is OP's fault though?

After 50 years of putting everyone else first she deserves to think about herself, without anyone guilting her about it in a "aww think of the children..." way.

Original poster
SighOSigh · 07/08/2024 23:10

@lastminpanic23 it is sad. Neither of them chose the path. He struggles with parenting. I know I could help.

But he also doesn’t help himself. In many ways he’s like another child.

At this point on my life I’d like hot sex, nights out and travel. It can’t work

It’s very sad. In another time and place..

OP posts:
Original poster
SighOSigh · 07/08/2024 23:11

He’s also honest about the fact he enjoys family time and would like more

OP posts:
DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 07/08/2024 23:14

I get you, just returned from holiday with dps much younger kids! Taken a step back from mothering to being fun aunt and pushed back dp moving in to next year. His kids don’t live with him but I don’t have the patience now I have an adult child (19) and a tween. I know my dp is upset but I’ve said his ex w and himself need to work on the development of their dc and actively teach them simple skills like tying hair up ect before I can consider him moving in because I cannot deal with that and the constant entitled behavior!

SamW98 · 07/08/2024 23:17

I hear you OP. My DS is 19 now and the last couple of years I’ve been on 6 holidays to Greece, Spain, Canaries, Portugal with friends, weekends away and lots of days and night dancing, drinking and laughing - I love my boy but I’m so pleased those years where my whole life revolves around him are done.

I couldn’t go back, I’ve done my time

Original poster
SighOSigh · 07/08/2024 23:26

That’s exactly how I feel. I m glad I posted, I now know it’s not just me!

OP posts:
TeaGinandFags · 07/08/2024 23:31

I think that while he's charming he has deceived you. You're also walking into his small print and that's not fair on you.

Try a thought exercise:
If things continue as they are what do you expect in the next year etc.

Now, how would you like things to be if things were perfect.

Compare and contrast and you should have your answer. And keep your boundaries strong because otherwise ....

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 07/08/2024 23:35

lastminpanic23 · 07/08/2024 22:31

This is sad. Presumably he's a nice guy and he has had to take his child on full time because its mother has abandoned it. It's hardly his fault is it? I totally understand that you're done with child rearing and of course you're entitled to end a relationship for whatever reason you want to. Can't help but feel a bit sorry for the chap and his child though. I'm sure neither of them wanted to be in that position.

Reading between the lines, it's not just about the presence of the child though, he wants the OP to actively engage in 'family life'. If he'd been able to compartmentalise a bit better (the odd babysitter and date night, etc) rather than expecting OP to just slot in as stepmother, it might have worked.

Original poster
SighOSigh · 07/08/2024 23:40

@TeaGinandFags you’ve hit the nail on the head. He is charming. And gets by in the world because of it: other people help him and do stuff for him. Take him places.

This time next year I’d like to be somewhere interesting on the planet, with an equal and no DCs.There’s my answer

OP posts:
Goldcushions2 · 07/08/2024 23:59

So glad to read that sometimes love isn't enough.

Wise words to believe.

Stick to your guns OP.

VJBR · 08/08/2024 00:09

Be strong and honest. It’s just not what you want any more.

jubs15 · 08/08/2024 07:25

Can he not get a babysitter? If not, I think you're right to put yourself first and leave. I'm in my 50s dating someone who has full care of a teenager and that's restricting enough.

It pisses me off how so many partners who don't drive assume the other party is happy to drive them everywhere without ever contributing to the costs, but that's a whole other topic.

Original poster
SighOSigh · 08/08/2024 08:01

Yes, things would be different I think if he organised more babysitting. And yes to the driving @jubs15! it’s also very restrictive as be can’t , for example, pop over or take me out in any free time that arises. And I drive a lot and get fed up.

I’ve raised both these issues many times but he chooses not to address them, which is his prerogative. I’m not going to keep nagging!

He was really great with a very bad thing that happened not long after we started seeing each other, and we had a real romantic whirl. I think this clouded my thinking and the reality of my future has set in.

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 08/08/2024 09:34

It's sad, but looking at it coldly, it is a situation which works extremely well for him but that meets none of your current needs.

Original poster
SighOSigh · 08/08/2024 21:50

I’ve thought about this and you are spot on @marmaladeandpeanutbutter that makes it very clear

OP posts:
Newnamesameoldlurker · 08/08/2024 21:56

I would try to find your anger about this OP to help you end it. He has been very passive. If he said OK I have a license, I'll start trying to drive, or I'll arrange a babysitter, or made any effort to meet you halfway on this it might be different but he hasn't. It's sad for him as pp have said but I'm more sad for you as it's shit that you found someone great (so rare to meet IRL these days!) Only for circumstances to come between you. Stay strong OP, your fun adventure partner is still out there

Original poster
SighOSigh · 08/08/2024 22:00

I think you’re right, @Newnamesameoldlurker I am angry, but I struggle to deal with it, and it’s making me passive. I shall woman up!

OP posts:
whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 08/08/2024 22:51

He wants family time = he wants OP to care for HIS kid.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/08/2024 23:17

SighOSigh · 07/08/2024 13:31

Fair point @unbelievablescenes

Witnout going into detail, I’ve spent my entire life, since a child, caring for others. Mostly unappreciated 😂 So I really don’t want to go down that path again.

Life short, it’s a big word out there and I want to see it whilst I can. At my age o don’t have all the time in the world to wait.

I do love him. But sometimes that just isn’t enough.

I've been a carer/defacto parent since I was a child too. You get burnt out from it. It's entirely understandable that you're done with this. Love isn't everything, you need it there for a relationship to work long term, but it's presence doesn't mean that relationship will work or is even the right relationship for you. We can love people who are toxic or bad for us, or nice but incompatible. Life stage can matter a lot. Love on its own often isn't enough.

Original poster
SighOSigh · 09/08/2024 08:25

The truth of this has really been shown as I’m struggling to get time alone with him to tell him 🙈

OP posts:
Zonder · 09/08/2024 08:29

Arrange to go round when his child is in bed.

When you arrange that tell him that you need to talk so he knows it's serious.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 08:34

You can't keep dating someone because you feel sorry for him.
He's probably looking at you and thinking great someone to look after us.
Throw this fish back in the sea without a second thought. You will feel relieved.

Oblomov24 · 09/08/2024 08:55

This is totally ok op. We are all with you on this. Just tell him, that it isn't working for you, and that he has to focus on his dc.

Most of us would already decide we didn't want to date and do any more childcare. I've done my share! Once I finish with ds2 and his gcses's believe you me, I'll be glad it's all over.