Never see man without dc

[SighOSigh]

I’m in mid fifties. Divorced. Every second weekend and holidays child free. DC late teens. Started seeing DP two years ago. He was a single parent but his dc saw their mum and family. He told me he could drive. He doesn’t.

Fast forward. The mum is now off the scene and refusing to have the child. The family don’t have the dc. I feel really sorry for the child but I do not want to take on another preteen. I’ve done my child raising, including an adopted child. I never see my DP without DCs now. It’s not working for me. I need to end it but struggling.

Help me with the courage to end it? He will be devastated. It worries me

Be bold, and honest, that’s all you can do.
Realistically did he expect things to work out without his dc.

Just take a deep breath and be honest with him. It’s not working for you. Fwiw I would not be interested in a relationship with a man with children younger and more dependent than mine either.

What’s with the driving issue? Are you expected to be a taxi service?

How did he think he'd get away with lying about driving?

It's hard as I'm sure you have deep feelings but you have the right to choose and a permanent young dc is not part of your plan.

How to find courage? You need to really get very clear in yourself what you want and don't want and speak with honesty and kindness.

I’m similar age to you and it’s a deal breaker for me to date a man with school age kids . My DS is coming up for 20 now and I’ve done my years revolving life around kids, school holidays etc.

So I totally understand why this doesn’t work for you. It’s impossible to develop a relationship when you’re never on your own.

And sorry but I’d be unable to get past lying about driving. Lies are another desk breaker for me and what a stupid lie!

Yes, when I was online dating I had rigid boundaries on no younger kids! I met this guy in real life, and got swept away.

I have always made my position very clear in relation to not wanting to be involved as any kind of parental figure or blending. But things have slipped into a routine and I just don’t see him alone. The driving thing is weird, he holds a licence but doesn’t drive, and again it makes things more difficult.

I think if you date someone with kids then you need to accept that they're going to be part of that relationship to a certain extent but never seeing him without them would be an absolute deal breaker unless you'd gone into it knowing that he had full custody.....but even then I'd expect him to make provisions for couple time and date nights etc. If it's not working for you then ditch!

Yes, @MiddleAgedDread , things were different when we started seeing each other

I think it’s not going to work. If the children were older, you were just seeing him separately, waiting to live together when they were grown, that would work. But they sound too young not to get embroiled as a parental figure (and driver probably).

I think you know what you need to do....

Remember that you can end a relationship for any reason you want to. You don't owe a relationship to anyone. Just say it's not working for you.

I’d feel the same op. Just be open and honest. Be gentle but clear.

He may be devastated but sometimes we have to put ourselves first. Its not fair on either of you to continue in a relationship that you don't really want. I made that mistake and ended up feeling like I was leading him on because I couldn't give him what he wanted. Are you really the person for him if you don't want to play happy families? Sometimes things just don't fit together neither position is wrong just not right together.

I think men still assume that women want to take these roles on as well. Even though you say you’ve done it and don’t want to again.
There’s been another thread recently with a childless woman basically being pushed into the role of step mum, because the dad couldn’t see why she wouldn’t want to do it.

I think there’s an element of that @PotatoPie111

Im
off to read that thread!

Do you actually love the man? Life is long, if he's your person this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The kid will grow up and be able to be left alone around 14 for periods. This happened to me, my situation Improved two months after I got dumped. I like to think if he did it just because of that situation, he'd have regretted it, I don't know because we never spoke again. If you're happy to dump him for this, you don't want him

Fair point @unbelievablescenes

Witnout going into detail, I’ve spent my entire life, since a child, caring for others. Mostly unappreciated 😂 So I really don’t want to go down that path again.

Life short, it’s a big word out there and I want to see it whilst I can. At my age o don’t have all the time in the world to wait.

I do love him. But sometimes that just isn’t enough.

I agree, love isn't always enough and let's be honest, there are plenty of other people that you can and most likely fall for and be even more compatible with.

Thank you @TomatoSandwiches

I also think he’d be better with someone who does want the family life, and to be a stepmother to his child. Sad as it is

I wish things were different but I’ve taken everything on board. There’s no resolving this.

i feel bad as I know I’d be good for his dc, but this wouldn’t be good for me

You're right OP. Don't feel bad - you don't need to martyr yourself for others. You only have one life.

You really don't owe him the future you had figured out for yourself.

It's yours to grab...
So grab it.

Understand you not wanting more kids to raise. I have four I raised for 32 years and was even wondering if I even WANTED a new man in my life as so many men are looking for a woman to take care of THEM as we get older. Be honest with yourself and him - before it is too late.

@PotatoPie111 have you got a link to that thread please?

I have been honest from the start, but things are overwhelming me now. I see events and restaurants and holidays I want to go on, but can’t, or have to go alone.