Don’t know what to do about in-law issues anymore

[egdehsdrawkcab]

Not really sure where to start with this.

Ive been with DH for almost 12 years, we have two DC. I get on with his parents, they are genuinely good people, but over the years they have let us down and upset us countless times - sometimes trivial, other times more serious. To give examples of both, they have let our kids down in favour of prioritising their other grandchild (yes, the golden grandchild!) - or at least consistently putting BIL and SIL needs first, often backing out of longstanding plans with us and our kids to accommodate the B&SIL. One half term, they invited DCs to stay at their home for a few days so DH and I could go to work, but when we arrived the other grandchild was there, hugely unwell with (just emerging) Covid symptoms - later ended up in A&E. No one thought to tell us to stay away, or better still to ask B&SIL to keep their child at home.

Most hurtful was about 2 years ago when we were excluded from a family holiday (originally put out to us all on the family chat but which the four of them then booked without consulting us any further and for the only few days they knew we couldn’t manage). DH and I were so hurt, and completely devastated- this was right on the back of us arranging a lovely week away for everyone, and hosting Christmas for them all.

After that last upset, DH and I didn’t see them for 6 months. Apologies were made, along with promises to be more mindful of how their actions come across. But no proper explanation ever given.

These are just a couple of examples of things that happen time and time again, yet DH forgives and forgets, and his family are excellent at brushing things under the carpet. They don’t ever confront uncomfortable situations, so I seem to rock the boat a bit when I pull them up, or when I get upset and want to air the issues.

A few weeks ago I sent an invitation to my ‘big’ birthday to my in-law side of the family. I intended to have a small, family only, get together at a local gastropub. I got messages back from both PIL and B/SIL saying they can’t make it (without going into potentially outing detail, it’s a case of can’t be bothered/won’t prioritise it). I am really hurt and upset, especially as we have gone to so much trouble for their big birthdays over the years (weekends away, and them all planning to stay with us in our new holiday home for one of their forthcoming birthdays).

Now they want us to travel to their side of town later in the month for a belated birthday do for me, and I just don’t want to do it. I don’t like being the centre of attention much at the best of times, and really just wanted one small celebration to mark the passing decade. I’m kind of digging my heels in but DH is making me feel like I’m being obstructive.

I must add that they are decent people, they do care about us and our kids, they help when they can if we ask them (very rarely as we don’t often ask), and they take the kids away once a year too which is lovely. I don’t really ever think any of the behaviour is malicious, they just don’t think.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for in posting this here - venting, looking for any advice, anyone in a similar boat who has cut ties/withdrawn from an in-law relationship? Should I be gracious and trot off to theirs so MIL can present me with the cake she will make?? I just don’t want any of it - it’s just always in their terms and makes me so sad.

Thanks for reading this far!

Fuck that! Why put in the effort to suit them? Also, why have your holiday house available too?

We will be there when it coincides with one of their special birthdays, and so DH has invited them. I haven’t objected, but hardly pushed the idea either. They are his family and I can’t/wouldn’t ever want to stop him or the DC seeing them. It’s just me who wants to avoid - certainly for a while, I think I’m feeling very bruised by them.

DH needs to ask them why they aren't coming to your birthday, and rescind the holiday invitation for theirs. They are his family but so are you and he needs to support you this time over them.

This is very hurtful but not worth burning bridges for. If you have few expectations, you are less likely to be disappointed.

I'd go through with the current plans but be less accommodating and forthcoming in the future. Let your husband do whatever hosting or visits he wants to do.

You continue to have expectations for people who have consistently let you down, for years. I'm sorry they have hurt your feelings, again, but this can't be much of a shock by now. What you see is what you get, and you've seen exactly how they are, many times.

Tell you husband that it's not your responsibility to be his people-pleasimg sidekick for people who don't reciprocate. If he wants to go, fine. You will not.

I see the motivation to balance the emotions from your dh, but this is your birthday. You tell your dh that’s it’s my birthday, and I’ve booked my party. I’m going to message and say ‘ thanks but we can’t make that. Let us know if you change your mind about coming to my birthday.’
and nothing will drag me to visit theirs this month. I won’t have any extra birthday do’s. They can turn up or skip it, that’s their choice. Please don’t try and talk me into changing my mind; if you need to put some effort into it, put it into telling your parents to treat us better.

I admire you for keeping trying with them. I get the impression you really really don’t want to go. In this case say ‘thank you it’s really kind but I don’t want any fuss. Let’s all have a toast and cake when you visit the holiday home ! Job done. No snub just an alternative

Your DHs inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as you. He is mired in fear obligation and guilt and you come across as a people pleasing doormat for them to further use and mistreat. He is happy to use you as some sort of buffer so that he does not have to address his elephant in the room ie his toxic family of origin. He has also been conditioned by them to put their needs first with his own dead last. The man needs therapy and he particularly needs to address his fear obligation and guilt. Keeping the peace as he has done has only made things worse for you people as well as his own self .

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Yes or no?. If yes why?. His family are no different. His family are not nice nor are they decent people (why did you write this of them?) and he grew up within a narcissistic family structure. Your Hs role here is scapegoat for all their inherent ills and as a result his own family unit ie you people are scapegoated. It is not possible to have a relationship with them because they are that disordered of thinking. They have no empathy nor insight into their behaviour . Your H may want to still see them because of his FOG but it does not mean that you or your kids meekly follow. It also does them no favours for them to keep
on seeing their parents being this disrespected.

Do not continue to be their all
too willing people pleaser. These people are all take and no give. Have nothing more to do with any of them, it’s not possible to have any form of relationship with people this disordered of thinking.

Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward, your DH should read Toxic Parents by the same author.

And furthermore cancel all their future visits to your holiday home.

Yes, this is what strikes me from your posts, OP. You don’t seem to be learning from this pattern of behaviour.

Is your SIL their daughter?

No, the BIL is their other son.

it’s just always in their terms
This is the issue.

Not sure how to change that dynamic as I’m in a similar position with parents who consistently prioritise the other sibling and their child. I don’t want to go no contact and have to explain repeatedly to my DC why we don’t see them but every time something like your Birthday happens it’s that crushing realisation of where you sit in their order of priorities.

In your shoes I’d politely decline their invitation in the same manner they did yours. Start treating them how they treat you.

and them all planning to stay with us in our new holiday home for one of their forthcoming birthdays

You need to rectify this with a quick message:

Hi In Laws, so sorry, something has come up and we won’t be able to have you stay. I’ve checked Airbnb already and these are just round the corner/along the same stretch of beach/in the same village and still available.

Your husband can maintain a relationship with his parents but I've no idea why you bother, or encourage your children to spend time with people who don't treat them well. One day you're children will notice who ois the golden grandchild and be deeply hurt.

I know you are all right. I lessened my expectations of them years ago - so genuinely wasn’t surprised this latest time that they can’t be bothered to make the occasion. It’s not even really that that’s bothering me, more the effort I’m now expected to put in to meet DH’s desire to see them, and to be good sport and go and ‘celebrate’ with them. I’ve actually already made plans for DS and I that morning to see a good friend, but of course I’m expected to move it, because “family”!! Oddly this same rule doesn’t get applied in reciprocation!

I am definitely going to remind DH that I won’t be playing hostess while away. I will look after ourselves and I will try to enjoy the time away.

Sadly I think the family dynamic that you think you should have with them is just not there . They are clearly closer to BIL and his family and while it isn’t nice or fair, it is what it is.

you can be polite, friendly, but give up the expectation that they will change their behaviour. I’d decline the birthday ‘do’ , you invited them to your party and they didn’t want to go, so that’s their problem.

I tried with my own in laws to make things better but they are not really interested so now I’m just polite and leave them to it.

But his relationship with them is his to resolve. Step back. I’m quite fond of my somewhat mad, very elderly PILs, but I don’t bustle about promoting some kind of familial entente just because I have a vagina. Mostly we each see our parents solo.

You say they are decent people but none of their actions you describe are “decent”. Repeatedly reneging on arrangements, favouring the other child/grandchildren are not the actions of decent people.

I would slowly detach and reciprocate in the way they treat you. Decline their birthday invitation and if’s too late or difficult to retract the holiday home invitation do very minimal hosting (let your DH do it all) then back off.

This is exactly how it feels. We keep going, maintaining the relationship because really they are lovely grandparents and DH loves them of course - they aren’t ever directly mean or unpleasant, never.

It is that reality that they won’t ever prioritise us, even for special occasions, which is hurtful.

This. The reason they keep doing this sort of crap over and over again to you and your dc is because they know you will keep going back for mistreatment. Just stop making any effort. They don't care about your dc as much as you think they do. No more weekends or weeks away, no more hosting Christmas, no staying at your Holiday home. Honestly why on earth you want a relationship with these awful people is beyond me. Your dh needs to withdraw the invitation to stay at your holiday home, I don't know how he can bear to be around these people.

I read this expecting to feel well, you could bend a bit............ but no, you made plans for YOUR birthday and you invited them and they declined!

I'd also resist ''celebrating'' your birthday, late, on their whim. Nope.

Send back short message ''thanks so much but celebrating birthday on xx/xx and can't make it up to _ that weekend''

I feel really sad for you after reading this OP.

It feels like you are stuck with this situation and even after posting will still end up going there for your birthday and allowing them to come to the holiday home.

I think you may have a DH problem as much as an IL problem. It doesn't sound like he supports you or has your back on this at all.

But they are directly mean aren't they? They had a family group chat about a holiday and then all went without you. That's mean.

It took me a very long time to realise how mean my mother is to me (fellow scapegoat here) and that's because everything she did was deniable and not 'in your face'. But it's still mean and completely deliberate. Once you see it it's as clear as day what's happening.

Try putting yourself in their position and ask yourself if you would ever treat yourself and your DH the way they do. If you really couldn't make a key family member's big birthday would you then expect them to trek across town for something that suits you or would you ask them whether they would like to do something else and what that would be? Why aren't they doing that? It's your big birthday - you get to choose what happens. If you don't want to do what they've suggested say thanks very much for the thought but you'd actually prefer to do xxx at xxxx. I guarantee you they won't attend.

I hope you’ve made up your mind during this thread that you won’t be moving the plans. Re ‘But family!!’ - you say ‘ds is my family. Where was your ‘but family!!’ When your parents said they couldn’t make it? Go but family at them, I have plans, I will not move them nor listen to you try and persuade me.’