Don’t know what to do about in-law issues anymore

[egdehsdrawkcab]

Not really sure where to start with this.

Ive been with DH for almost 12 years, we have two DC. I get on with his parents, they are genuinely good people, but over the years they have let us down and upset us countless times - sometimes trivial, other times more serious. To give examples of both, they have let our kids down in favour of prioritising their other grandchild (yes, the golden grandchild!) - or at least consistently putting BIL and SIL needs first, often backing out of longstanding plans with us and our kids to accommodate the B&SIL. One half term, they invited DCs to stay at their home for a few days so DH and I could go to work, but when we arrived the other grandchild was there, hugely unwell with (just emerging) Covid symptoms - later ended up in A&E. No one thought to tell us to stay away, or better still to ask B&SIL to keep their child at home.

Most hurtful was about 2 years ago when we were excluded from a family holiday (originally put out to us all on the family chat but which the four of them then booked without consulting us any further and for the only few days they knew we couldn’t manage). DH and I were so hurt, and completely devastated- this was right on the back of us arranging a lovely week away for everyone, and hosting Christmas for them all.

After that last upset, DH and I didn’t see them for 6 months. Apologies were made, along with promises to be more mindful of how their actions come across. But no proper explanation ever given.

These are just a couple of examples of things that happen time and time again, yet DH forgives and forgets, and his family are excellent at brushing things under the carpet. They don’t ever confront uncomfortable situations, so I seem to rock the boat a bit when I pull them up, or when I get upset and want to air the issues.

A few weeks ago I sent an invitation to my ‘big’ birthday to my in-law side of the family. I intended to have a small, family only, get together at a local gastropub. I got messages back from both PIL and B/SIL saying they can’t make it (without going into potentially outing detail, it’s a case of can’t be bothered/won’t prioritise it). I am really hurt and upset, especially as we have gone to so much trouble for their big birthdays over the years (weekends away, and them all planning to stay with us in our new holiday home for one of their forthcoming birthdays).

Now they want us to travel to their side of town later in the month for a belated birthday do for me, and I just don’t want to do it. I don’t like being the centre of attention much at the best of times, and really just wanted one small celebration to mark the passing decade. I’m kind of digging my heels in but DH is making me feel like I’m being obstructive.

I must add that they are decent people, they do care about us and our kids, they help when they can if we ask them (very rarely as we don’t often ask), and they take the kids away once a year too which is lovely. I don’t really ever think any of the behaviour is malicious, they just don’t think.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for in posting this here - venting, looking for any advice, anyone in a similar boat who has cut ties/withdrawn from an in-law relationship? Should I be gracious and trot off to theirs so MIL can present me with the cake she will make?? I just don’t want any of it - it’s just always in their terms and makes me so sad.

Thanks for reading this far!

I really don't think they care for you or your children. I speak from personal experience here: let the blindfold and your expectations go, you'll see what is real and you'll be free to consider your family first.

I'd just suit myself and my family if it were me. M I've done this in the past x

Yes, this.

They have shown you what their priorities are and how they will behave.

Stop expecting anything from them. And I'd stop making much effort too.

Don't allow them to upset you.

Since you and DS already have plans for the alternative date sadly you won't be able to make it but look forward to seeing them at a future date. Just be less available. You can play the plausible deniability game too.

No - just, no.

I am not going to present myself at a party that I don't want, to spend time with people who cannot be bothered to reciprocate the effort I make for them. I will be polite and friendly when they are here with us, but I am not playing this game any more and I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to emotionally blackmail me into doing so.

Your OP suggests that you have not actually adjusted your expectations. Understandable to be pissed off on your H and DCs’ behalf.

You say they have not been ‘directly mean’ but the actions you describe, especially the holiday and covid, are bad.

Is it your H who is ‘expecting’ you to appease his family in these ways? If so that is not on, and probably part of his fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), with which the recommended reading in the ‘Stately Homes’ thread could help.

you could decline the invitation, not issue further invitations to visit your holiday home, and leave it entirely to DH to organise things with his family (or not), and focus on supporting him to see and address the problems with how his family treat him, you and the DC (which may often not mean ‘taking the path of least resistance’ / appeasing), and helping minimise negative impact of the ILs unequal treatment on your DC

I used to get really frustrated with SiL, we would host and provide everything they needed, food drinks, snacks etc.
Whenever we went to their's we were told to bring towels, bathroom and swimming, which meals we were expected to provide and cook.
I used to get very angry every time, DH and I would sometimes have words, as it's just the way she is!
Eventually, I decided I was the only one getting wound up by the situation, now when we go I provide the minimum, will help clear up etc, but won't do all the things I used to; DH hasn't really noticed, but I don't invite them to stay with us anymore. I feel far more relaxed when I am there now

I'd match their actions, don't make the effort for them, stop the invitations to the holiday place. You'll find you feel better about it all, and they can't take you for granted. Awful people.

Susan Forward's books 'Toxic parents' and 'Toxic in laws' are ones you and your dh need to read to understand what's going on here and how to manage it effectively.

Your dh is part of the problem. Why is he bleating 'but Familyyyy' at you and expecting you to cancel plans with a friend because in laws have summoned you to your own belated birthday celebrations after snubbing your actual birthday plans? and to their part of town just to rub in how much contempt they have for you.

Why is he imposing them on you in your holiday home the same week you'll there, to celebrate THEIR birthday when they couldn't show the same courtesy to you?

It's time to completely withdraw from them besides exchanging pleasantries on social occasions or occasional visits to them and I wouldn't be hosting them.

OP

re your comment
"We keep going, maintaining the relationship because really they are lovely grandparents and DH loves them of course - they aren’t ever directly mean or unpleasant, never."

There is no relationship to maintain; relationships are two way and his folks are all take and no give. Denial as well is a powerful force.

Do you still think they are lovely grandparents to your kids given how you and your H have been treated?. They have also been directly mean and unpleasant to you.

Of course DH loves his parents; we as children are programmed to love our parents no matter how rubbish they actually are. He's been conditioned by them to accept being the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Not all parents are nice and kind and your DH lucked out completely when it came to his parents.

OP

"It’s not even really that that’s bothering me, more the effort I’m now expected to put in to meet DH’s desire to see them, and to be good sport and go and ‘celebrate’ with them. I’ve actually already made plans for DS and I that morning to see a good friend, but of course I’m expected to move it, because “family”!!"

Do not be a chump

DO NOT change your plans to suit your DH and his toxic parents. Your DH is mired in FOG (Fear obligation and guilt) and this eats away at him hence his bs comments about family. He likes to use you as a buffer between him and they because if you do not co-operate they will punish him further.

He does not have the first idea as to how to deal with his parents so hides behind you. He would rather you take the hits from them. As I wrote earlier his own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you people as his own family unit.

I've had a few things like this with my in-laws too. Not as bad as yours though - although we consciously chose never to live closer than another island to them. Another hemisphere is definitely better.

I got to the point where I said to DH, I was done inviting, hosting, or going, when they never made any effort to reciprocate. He could do what he wanted, take the kids, whatever, just leave me the hell out of it.

Expect nothing from them and see anything they do actually do as a bonus.
Also leave everything up to DH, his family HE can make all the arrangements, any direct contact from them should be met with "speak to DH".
You can be polite and see them if/when it suits you but make no effort at all beyond the basics

Suggest DH gets counselling. It must be so hurtful for you when this stuff happens but also for him it's his parents and brother.

I'd well cut contact and just be 'busy'.

You can't even calmly tell them exactly how their behaviour impacts their son, as they'd probably twist that message as all four would discuss it and back each other up that 'it's her and him, not us, we're good people, we let them holiday with us and offered a birthday so for her, they're unhinged..." And DH would likely turn on you.

So basically there is nothing you can do. You can't make someone love you. Even a mother to her son, in this case. Sad.

Put it back onto your DH „so you expect me to attend MY birthday celebration at your parents convenience?”

Been there,done that,got the t-shirt. I refused to go to to PIL and we had almighty row because of that. H has blamed me for trying to ruin the day-I refused to attend the summons (invitation)2 weeks after especially shit treatment from FIL(for which H apologised to me after the visit).

I stood my ground and we had a couple of quiet days with H.I don’t sweep issues under the carpet. I want to discuss them like an adult.Unfortunately some people never take the blame and never apologise. You can’t reason with unreasonable people.

H eventually decided to go NC as it was clear his stepsibling and their family was favoured to detriment of ours after another very deliberate snub.

Drop the rope. Let your DH know you’re not up for being treated like second class citizen. Of course he can visit and they can come as well but any hosting is on him. I wouldn’t offer anything bar obligatory cup of tea and a biscuit.

Believe me your not the only person dealing with poor parents or badly behaved in-laws. I have a friend and her sister who are dealing with the same problem. Their mother has been treating both of them poorly for years. They have a sister and brother who are the golden siblings and the mother has done all she could to help this pair out.

Meanwhile my friend was promised things by her mother that never happened. She is currently living on benefits. Her sister meanwhile is a sahm with a few kid's. Her mother will complain on the odd occasion she is asked to mind her grandkids and it only for a few hours. Along with this she has to moan and complain about things. Most conversations eventually come back to the golden kids and grandkids.

At this stage my friend and her sister have had enough. My friend is planing to go back to work and this maybe PT so she won't be as available when her mother needs care.
Her sister is only visiting her mother when it suits her and has begun to say no to her mother at various times. She will also go back to work due to financial reasons once her kids are a bit older.
My friend and her sister have decided that the golden siblings can step up to help their mother out after all she did for them in the past.

You’re all totally right, and giving me vindication for the way I have felt for years but have let it quietly simmer away so as not to upset DH or ask him to pick his side (it will feel like that to him).

I have told DH I’m not changing mine and DS plans for weekend so if he wants to take them of to PIL he can do so afterwards, and that I will “play it by ear”. He knows I’m pissed about it and isn’t pushing me, thank goodness.

Well done @egdehsdrawkcab for finally making a stand. Don't give in. They don't respect you. Your DH needs to have your back. You and your DC are his family now. How long before your children start noticing this behaviour? Don't let them be in a position where they feel as you do. You all deserve better.

You have a strange idea of what 'decent people' look like

Hint: Not like his parents

They are not lovely grandparents

And no, nothing is direct

They're too sneaky and underhand for that

I'm gobsmacked by your delusional denial of just how sneaky and unkind these people are, and have been towards you and your family for years.

There is NOTHING lovely, kind or genuine about them.

No I would not be going to any cake giving at their side of town and I would be completely knocking on the head hosting Christmas or them visiting your holiday home again.
They suit themselves completely.
Tell your husband to cop on, get a grip and man up.
I would tell him where he can put his "obstructive" inference...CF.

Wake up to how poorly you are continuously treated.
I would simply be unavailable and not put myself out going forward.
You have given them enough chances to be kind, they blew it.

Weak men give me the Ick, particularly those that allow themselves and their familys be treated poorly.
You have tolerated FAR too much.
Tell him THAT.
And tell him you will show him what OBSTRUCTIVE really looks like.

In my experience once my friends told husbands they would have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with hosting their in laws, things ceased.
Their lazy husbands had zero interest and were forced to repeat that wife was busy every time they met up elsewhere.
They got the message.

Kindly OP, you have been treated like a mug by your husband and his family.
Time to drop the rope completely.

It’s your birthday (and i think it’s a big one at that) if he can’t prioritise you on your birthday then he is picking sides. And he hasn’t chosen you.

Your husband has been conditioned by his parents his entire life to think the sky will fall in if he upsets either one in any way. He puts their wants first with no regard for himself and his own family unit. He will continue to throw you under the bus and otherwise try and fail to appease his parents to not be their target or scapegoat. In the meantime these people just keep moving the goalposts.

His own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. He needs therapy like yesterday frankly and you need help too re your apparent denial as to how abusive his parents actually are. Narcissists act like his parents do and it’s not possible to have a relationship. You also need to keep
your kids well away from his parents because they will be harmed similarly.

You do realise that they will forever see that holiday home as theirs to use whenever they wish and could even potentially end up with a 'Mexican house thief' situation...