Not really sure where to start with this.
Ive been with DH for almost 12 years, we have two DC. I get on with his parents, they are genuinely good people, but over the years they have let us down and upset us countless times - sometimes trivial, other times more serious. To give examples of both, they have let our kids down in favour of prioritising their other grandchild (yes, the golden grandchild!) - or at least consistently putting BIL and SIL needs first, often backing out of longstanding plans with us and our kids to accommodate the B&SIL. One half term, they invited DCs to stay at their home for a few days so DH and I could go to work, but when we arrived the other grandchild was there, hugely unwell with (just emerging) Covid symptoms - later ended up in A&E. No one thought to tell us to stay away, or better still to ask B&SIL to keep their child at home.
Most hurtful was about 2 years ago when we were excluded from a family holiday (originally put out to us all on the family chat but which the four of them then booked without consulting us any further and for the only few days they knew we couldn’t manage). DH and I were so hurt, and completely devastated- this was right on the back of us arranging a lovely week away for everyone, and hosting Christmas for them all.
After that last upset, DH and I didn’t see them for 6 months. Apologies were made, along with promises to be more mindful of how their actions come across. But no proper explanation ever given.
These are just a couple of examples of things that happen time and time again, yet DH forgives and forgets, and his family are excellent at brushing things under the carpet. They don’t ever confront uncomfortable situations, so I seem to rock the boat a bit when I pull them up, or when I get upset and want to air the issues.
A few weeks ago I sent an invitation to my ‘big’ birthday to my in-law side of the family. I intended to have a small, family only, get together at a local gastropub. I got messages back from both PIL and B/SIL saying they can’t make it (without going into potentially outing detail, it’s a case of can’t be bothered/won’t prioritise it). I am really hurt and upset, especially as we have gone to so much trouble for their big birthdays over the years (weekends away, and them all planning to stay with us in our new holiday home for one of their forthcoming birthdays).
Now they want us to travel to their side of town later in the month for a belated birthday do for me, and I just don’t want to do it. I don’t like being the centre of attention much at the best of times, and really just wanted one small celebration to mark the passing decade. I’m kind of digging my heels in but DH is making me feel like I’m being obstructive.
I must add that they are decent people, they do care about us and our kids, they help when they can if we ask them (very rarely as we don’t often ask), and they take the kids away once a year too which is lovely. I don’t really ever think any of the behaviour is malicious, they just don’t think.
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for in posting this here - venting, looking for any advice, anyone in a similar boat who has cut ties/withdrawn from an in-law relationship? Should I be gracious and trot off to theirs so MIL can present me with the cake she will make?? I just don’t want any of it - it’s just always in their terms and makes me so sad.
Thanks for reading this far!