Do you think women should put themselves last if they have children?

[Onemoretimeround]

So my sister in law called my mum self-centred the other day for 'doing what she wants'. By that she means she does what she wants in her life, and pleases herself. But she isn't a selfish person, a great mum (who left my dad because she wasn't happy) and warm, giving person.
My sister in law says she's bottom of the list in her family - and puts herself there, as that's what you have to do as a mum. You 'can't put yourself first' if you're a mum. She doesn't work and cares for my brother (the money provider) and two girls.
I don't agree with this outlook, as it seems to feed into women having to be selfless and always be the caregiver, but what do you think?

Its tricky I think you do often put yourself last as a mother, who hasn’t sat up all night with a vomity baby and struggled through the next day. I don’t think it’s terribly healthy. I was very anaemic to the point of needing a blood transfusion but hadn’t really realised as I just kept plodding on with kids / work.

Id assume your mothers kids are grown up so she can get back to putting herself and hobbies first.

No.
My mum put her kids before everything, including her health.
She died aged 31 from a very treatable illness, leaving 5 kids aged from 4 to 11 without a mum.
My childhood was a complete disaster, and some of the things are only coming to light now, 20+ years on.

I was she was more selfish.

Mums do tend to put themselves last especially with school aged children. I do think that with adult children though that selflessness can take a back seat and mums can think of themselves first for a change. However, your SIL sounds a bit weird, if I've read this right she thinks your mum, her MIL, should consider her first. If that is the case then SIL is wrong.

Since leaving DH in January and having a bit if free time because of shared "custody" I often find myself feeling so selfish for putting myself first amd doing things I want to do. I quickly realised that when we were together I always put the kids and him first and this was actually really detrimental to my mental health and potentially contributed to the split.

I went on a walk alone not long after the split and did a lit of thinking. I realised that "feeling responsible for someone else's happiness is exhausting"

I now continue to put myself first sometimes and the "selfishness" feelings have subsided a bit and I feel like I'm being a better role model for my daughters now

Staying at home and looking after the money provider isn't necessarily putting yourself last though, is it? It depends on your situation, your temperament and what the alternatives are. I was a SAHM for a couple of years and found it an absolute walk in the park compared with going to work. If you don't want a job, then staying at home is putting your own choices first.

There are periods when parents (not just mothers!) put kids first and then, as they grow up, the hours and days in which it is the default are less. The kids have chores now they are teens, but they get a pass in exam periods, say.

I assume your sister isn’t thinking your mum should still put her first now she’s an adult?!

A woman who takes care of her own needs and her mental and physical health first is always in the best position to take care of others 🤍

I feel you should put any children you choose to have first, as they are unable to make choices for themselves, so you have to be responsible and make good choices for them,

that does not mean being a martyr.

It does not mean not handing the baby over to a capable person for a few hours once fed and cared for, whilst you take some time for yourself.

It does mean putting their wellbeing before new partners for example,

I do a lot for my kids but that doesn't mean I don't do anything for myself. I think it's about getting the right balance.

It depends.

If we both got poisoned and only had one syringe of antidote... Yeah she can have it.

If there's one bag of crisps left? First come first served, snooze you lose dear daughter of mine.

🤪

She is the absolute most important thing in my life though.
I suppose that for the last 11 years I've focussed mainly on her. Maybe there have been times I've wanted to do something but her uniform needed buying or she wanted a day out somewhere else. So my 'wants' sometimes get over looked. No big deal, I can do what I want when she's at school or at the ex's etc.

As she gets older, she'll become more independent and then I can do more more of what I want.

Needs before Wants.
But Wants should be shared out.

I think the younger the child the more true it is. By the time children have grown into adults then no.

With school aged kids yes I will always put myself last. However I can imagine as the kids get older and more responsible for themselves then I'd like to think women are then entitled to get their life back. I'd hate my mum to put her life on hold for me now I'm an adult. Your sil can't expect your mum to never live her life again purely as she has kids 🙈 she is being ridiculous op. She sounds like a child herself tbh

Sorry - misread - it isn’t your sister, but your brother’s wife. Criticising your mum, to you?

Well, SIL chose to marry your brother, so I guess your mum did something right in raising him!

I like the needs before wants idea.

Needs always first in this house which in practice often means children first.

Wants are shared out with DC getting slightly more but DH and I are equal- there is no reason for the female partner to be consistently ‘last’ behind her husband in 2024.

When on a plane we are told to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others
This I think is the best analogy

Parenting requires a degree of balance where sometimes mums needs come first

It depends on the context. Absolutely there are situations you may need to put yourself last (especially with small children) but as they get older and independent it's easier to pit yourself first. As your mum appears to have adult children I'd say this is fine in general (but again would depend on the situation)

No. It sets a bad example to the children that mummy is second best if daddy doesn’t have to do it too.

Tbh a lot of it is martyrdom anyway.

Surely it’s a balance. If I had an accident need to go the hospital and dd needs a lift to her friends, I wouldn’t put her first and no go to the hospital to arrange her lift. Not would she expect it.

Generally, yes, what’s best for the kids is ideal. But not in every single situation. And that’s for actual kids. Not adult kids. Again with adult kids it could depend

Surely sil and her husband (your mother’s son) and you are adults. Why would your mum always be putting her adult children first?

Children first yes, and that should apply to both mums and dads.

Frequently it doesn't happen that way, and the mum puts herself right at the bottom of the pile, below the kids, partner, dog, job, elderly relatives, Tom Dick and Harry, whatever, and frequently ignoring her own health and wellbeing in the process.

That is neither healthy nor sustainable in the long term.

Goodness no - babies needs come first and toddlers need attentive care but from that point my needs have a high priority. And my older children treat me like I matter and think about my needs as well as their own.

No, obviously if you are seriously ill you cannot do much more. I remember I had the most severe bronchopneumonia and my daugther was only 4. My husband was working and that night I ended up in A and E. My daughter was very very good, I explained you can come darling, sit next to me or play but please, do not do anything naughty ( she used to run and pull things and be overly active).

My daughter was super start that day. I couldnt move or get up

super star....I had fever also ....and was shaking....this was before covid but I think I might had it before was discovered

Family members' needs come first and this will usually involve the parents (not just mothers) meeting the childrens needs and then their own. Children don't have the wherewithal to meet many of their own needs - food, clothing, shelter, warmth, love care and education. Adults need most of those too but can (and should) address themselves as appropriate and are more able to wait. So it's normal to feed a hungry child before yourself or put a tired child to bed first even if you are also hungry and tired!

Wants need to be more balanced/shared out. It's good for children to see their parents as normal people worthy of happiness in their own right, not merely as domestic drudges and money earners. My mum was (is) a bit of a martyr and it's very wearisome. She thinks I'm selfish for going to gym classes and going for drinks with my friends. She even thinks mothers who have long hair and wear make up (like me) are selfish because they are wasting time which should be better spent tending to their husbands and children.

My kids see me doing fun/relaxing stuff for myself as totally normal. I spend plenty of time with them and doing things for them too but they don't take me for granted (well they do sometimes but it's not the default position).

You cannot pour from an empty vessel. I’ve put my children’s needs first and had the catastrophic breakdown(s) to prove it. Now I prefer to model self care so that my children can see that it’s ok to put yourself first. I make time for exercise and keeping myself physically and mentally well and by doing that I am putting them first.

As they get older my needs will become more and more important again.

I resent the idea that when you become a parent your needs come last FOREVER. I’ll never turn my back on my children but I do want to do a bit of my own thing again at some point.